Would you tell the wife or the boss??

[sissy89]

I won't go into the whole story as not to drip feed but 99.9% certain that a co worker of DH is doing cocaine on a daily basis.

This co worker is a friend of ours who we see socially and our kids go to the same school.

Would you tell his wife? I know they are not happily married and just pretty much together for the sake of the kids - this would probably be the end for them if she found out.

Would you tell his boss? He's more than likely doing it at work as he was caught our years ago and the boss gave him another chance.

Like I said, won't go into the whole story but he owes 2 separate people (dh is one of them ) over £1000 now that we know of anyway.

Until this morning, I told DH I wasn't sure I would tell anyone but then I bumped into this mans little girl at school. She's the loveliest sweetest little girl, always says hello to me and asks how I am and it broke my heart thinking about the state her daddy is in and what could be in store for her and her little brother.

What would you do?

I'm really not sure there is a right thing to do here, whatever you do is just going to be the best choice out of a bad bunch. I definitely wouldn't tell his boss, making someone unemployed does not help with drug addiction. That also wouldn't help the kids.

I think I would talk to his wife about it. It's up to her whether or not she wants to try to help him through it or wash her hands of him. I wouldn't feel good about it but it's probably the best thing to do with the safety of the kids in mind.

How can you be sure the wife doesnt already know ?

It's really not your place to tell anyone and I can't imagine it would be well received by either party if you did.

Can see why you say about sacking him however this guy and his boss are best friends. They all are - dh included. I honestly don't think he would sack him, he would get help sort him out. I know the boss very well and he's the most understanding bloke you could meet. He would be disappointed but I honestly don't think sacking him would happen. He would want to help.

I was all for keeping out of it but I just think of the kids and think we have to do something before it gets too out of control.

I wouldn't tell the wife, she probably knows anyway, I don't believe in getting involved in other people's marriages. I don't see what benefit it serves.

I wouldn't tell the boss because the fact of thr matter is, just like the wife you actually don't know and it could get your husband in a shit load of trouble if he is wrong.

Personally I would stay out of it. I'm not sure of what your objective is by telling, lose him his job? How does that help the kids? Split up the family? Again how does this help?

@pumpkinpie01 oh she definitely does not know. She is the type that considers them to be the perfect family. There's absolutely no way she knows about it. She's quite a scary woman and he would probably be petrified of her reaction. She's kick him out straight away but then tell everyone he's gone off to look after a sick aunty or something.

You can't change anything if he's an addict.

I'd have a word with the bloke himself - he owes you a grand?

And, of course eh'll lose his friends, then his job, then his family. It's what happens to addicts.

I'm sorry.

What do you think you'd achieve?

Aside from owing money, what makes you think he's doing coke daily?

As I've said, he won't lose his job. He would end up getting the help he needs off his boss.

The boss is the better person to tell than the wife. It could end his marriage which may or may not be a bad thing to him. He's well and truly fed up at home which is probably what set the drugs thing off for him again.

At the end of the day, he's a friend and he's going on a massive down hill spriral. If there's anyway dh can stop him from getting any further down in it then he would want too. Plus he owes us a lot of money too. We can't just forget that.

But maybe everyone is right and he should just say nothing. I just feel for the kids that's all.

In the past a lot of people would have said there was no way my Mother knew her partner was abusing drugs every day. Absolutely no way.

She always knew, sometimes she was simply in denial.

Stay out of it. Sorry I can see your heart is in the right place but no good can come from telling anyone. Drug addicts need to want to stop on there own or hit absolute rock bottom before they will, helping him on his way to rock bottom will not help him. You tell his wife and they split up, what have you achieved? You tell his boss what do you expect to happen? His boss can't force him to seek help no more than you your dh or his wife can. His boss could fire him (even if you don't think he will) then what have you achieved?

The only thing that can come from telling anyone is this guy's life gets even worse and you end up the bad guy. Keep it to yourself and be there to support him or his wife when the shit hits the fan (which it will on its own without help)

nose out

Is he driving? If so he's drug driving and is on an equal footing with a drunk driver.

You've seen him taking it everyday? (Or 999 days out of every thousand anyway)

Thought not. Probably best for you to say nothing then, although your DH is best friends with him so maybe he should talk to him.

Yep he spends most of the day driving from job to job.

Like I say, I want to keep out of it. I just feel for the kids.

What makes you think he's doing coke daily?

Lol always one with the sarcastic comment....

Depends on what his is job, doesn’t it? If he’s risking serious harm to others, then yes. Otherwise I don’t see how it’s your business.

Not lending him money is your business, and kissing goodbye what you’ve lent so far. But dobbing him in (to anyone) doesn’t seem like anything but petty revenge.

It’s unlikely you know as much about him, his relationship with his boss or wife as you seem to think you do. It’s likely far more complex. And not your business.

How do you know he's on cocaine though? If you're that sure, contact the police and report him as a drug driver.

The fact that he's driving every day makes this extremely serious IMHO. The consensus if someone's drink-driving is always massively in favour of report, I don't see why this should be any different. Do you know for sure he's driving under the influence? Because that would be enough for me to report him on those grounds, and possibly to police.

He works with dh all day every day. Just the 2 of them and he's always nipping to the van when he doesn't need too. Huge change in personality - it's obvious to dh what he's doing. And the majority of the time it's in elderly people's houses as that's what their job entails.

As for thoughts saying I don't know anything....I may not.

But back in June he stayed with us for a week to get away from his wife and spent 6 hours in tears pouring his heart out to us about his wife and their marriage. Neither of them are perfect and he went back to try work on things.

The company that they work for is very small and everyone is like family. It's such a lovely company to work for and all of us are close/best of friends.

Anyway I won't comment anymore. Decision is made

As your husband is enabling him by lending him money for coke, that's your starting point. DH should be chasing him for the debt, and I'd make his wife aware of that and let her draw her own conclusions.

You tell his wife and they split up, what have you achieved?

Allowing her to make the decision as to whether she wants to spend her life with an addict or not? Allowing her the chance to remove herself and her children from a situation which, as you have acknowledged yourself, only stands a chance of improving when he hits rock bottom - allowing the children to go through whatever form his particular rock bottom takes seems pretty heartless.

The only thing that can come from telling anyone is this guy's life gets even worse and you end up the bad guy.

But his family could be protected from a lot of the potential fall out by being forewarned - his wife could ensure that he isn't able to run up debt in her name (we already know he's not afraid to borrow to fund his habit) and be able to put plans in place to ensure his kids are exposed to as little unpleasantness as possible.

You shouldn't say anything - unless he is a brain surgeon or bus driver or or has some other job where being high at work will lead to anothers death.