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Original poster

Would you tell the wife or the boss??

76 replies

sissy89 · 16/10/2018 09:32

I won't go into the whole story as not to drip feed but 99.9% certain that a co worker of DH is doing cocaine on a daily basis.

This co worker is a friend of ours who we see socially and our kids go to the same school.

Would you tell his wife? I know they are not happily married and just pretty much together for the sake of the kids - this would probably be the end for them if she found out.

Would you tell his boss? He's more than likely doing it at work as he was caught our years ago and the boss gave him another chance.

Like I said, won't go into the whole story but he owes 2 separate people (dh is one of them ) over £1000 now that we know of anyway.

Until this morning, I told DH I wasn't sure I would tell anyone but then I bumped into this mans little girl at school. She's the loveliest sweetest little girl, always says hello to me and asks how I am and it broke my heart thinking about the state her daddy is in and what could be in store for her and her little brother.

What would you do?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 16/10/2018 10:43

Focus on the money aspect of it. Don't speculate that he's off his tits on cocaine. By doing that you draw yourself to a central point of the ensuing shit storm.

Mountainsided · 16/10/2018 10:46

I don’t understand people say nothing. He’s your friend, why would you not tell his wife or supportive boss to get him help?
If it was my DH I would want to know or someone to look out for him, especially as your DH is now covering for him by lending him money if he is stealing from customers you are now on dodgy legal ground as you are covering this up by givin him money.

SugarCoatIt · 16/10/2018 10:46

This is a very complicated web OP, don't think there's a win, win in any of this but your Husbands reputation is on the line, and I don't think the answer is to resolve it out of your own money, you'll be making a rod for your own backs and will be enabling your friends behaviour, even though it's done through the best of intentions, and so the cycle will continue....

theworldistoosmall · 16/10/2018 10:48

So this has nothing to do with the company he works for but a side business? Then why get the boss of that place involved it has nothing to do with him.
You realise that your husband might not be telling you the truth. Could be rather than saying the customer doesn't want to cough up a grand for the material he's telling you some bizarre story. As tbh if someone said to me I had to pay a grand up front for materials I would take my custom elsewhere.

strawberrisc · 16/10/2018 10:48

I'd tell neither. In the words of Chandler from Friends: "Can open, worms everywhere".

formerbabe · 16/10/2018 10:51

I don’t understand people say nothing. He’s your friend, why would you not tell his wife or supportive boss to get him help?

Because he's a grown adult perhaps?

BrokenWing · 16/10/2018 10:51

ok, so your dh and friend are doing evening/weekend work together at customers houses and your dh gave his friend money to buy materials? How is this going to show on the business accounts (assuming it is legit)? Have the materials been bought? Is the customer waiting for the job to be done still?

Either way the friend has taken money that was not his from their "business", if you dh replaces it he is enabling his friends drug taking. He should not do this in any circumstances. He tells his friend he needs to get the money/materials or he should expect a visit from the police when the customer calls them. Don't care if he needs to sell his car/TV or whatever, it is better he has to and his wife finds out. Do not solve this problem for the friend by stumping up cash for the shit he's stuck up his nose!

tolerable · 16/10/2018 10:55

if him and dh is good friends-why does he not mention any of this-including your need to "help the kids"as well intended as it might be

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 16/10/2018 10:56

I don't understand why your DH needs to pay for the materials out of your savings?

Why doesn't he just tell his mate that he has to provide the materials he was given the cash for.

Or am I missing something here?

Definitely wouldn't say anything to his wife, I'd stay well out of that.

twoshedsjackson · 16/10/2018 10:57

It sounds as if he is on the downward spiral, and anything you do to enable him won't help - but - on the other hand, you are good friends, and that is what he will need when he hits rock bottom without your stir. His wife and his boss probably have a good idea that something is up, anyway.
Perhaps your husband could tackle him about the money, without second-guessing where it has gone, even if it's painfully obvious that the answer to that is, "up his nose". Make it clear that the first extra job on the side is also the last. If he has already confided in you about his marriage, he may finally face up to the fact that he has an addiction and needs help. If you can be a friend without being an enabler, so much the better.

Original poster
sissy89 · 16/10/2018 10:57

Lol people have a go at me not too assume anything as I really don't know anything....then just assume my husband is involved?!?!

My husband is not involved in any drug taking! Not for a second. There's literally no words to describe how angry that's made me. Unbelievable. No longer commenting on this. Mumsnet is unreal.

No my husband is not doing drugs. 100000%.

And yes the business is/was legit. This was the first job they had. It was only set up a few weeks ago. If it took off, the plan was for dh boss to expand his business and dh would run that side of things.

Anyway I'll leave it for me and dh to decide what to do. Some helpful comments and some ridiculous ones. Thanks to the helpful ones.

OP posts:
WeeDangerousSpike · 16/10/2018 11:00

So you suspect he is using drugs, thus puts people in danger as he will be under the influence while driving. Does he also use power tools / machinery that will be putting people at risk? If yes then the responsible thing to do is to tell boss. What if he seriously injures someone and it could have been prevented? Same rationale as drunk driving / doctors abusing drugs.
I would tell boss as he has a legal obligation to keep the public and other employees safe.

The money. So he (in a self employed capacity this time) was given an advance payment, has stolen it, and now you need to replace it for the job to continue. I think you have 2 choices. Police, and the whole sorry mess will be dragged into the open. Or as you say, pay the grand yourselves, finish the job, take a grand back from his share at the end (will it cover that?) then knock the partnership on the head.

onalongsabbatical · 16/10/2018 11:02

As I understand it - and apologies if I've misunderstood - this guy, at the very least, is a) drug driving and b) defrauding, whether you, the business or the clients I don't understand, but someone. Either of these merit calling the police. the fallout is not your responsibility, it's his, because he's the one causing it. Ultimately his wife's better off knowing but you don't have to tell her, but you should call the police. I think these things are horribly horribly difficult and you have all my sympathy, OP. Try and shrug off the unhelpful hysterical comments, there are always some, there will always be some.

AjasLipstick · 16/10/2018 11:02

Where's your proof? This is hearsay. Gossip.

Cuddlykitten123 · 16/10/2018 11:02

Get your money back before you do anything unless you are willing to write it off!

cantfindname · 16/10/2018 11:05

@sissy89 I am about to message you.

Tinkobell · 16/10/2018 11:08

I just think your DH needs to ask him outright if he's doing drugs and gauge his reaction. Take it from there. A druggy can't be working in old folks homes or driving a van ; so if he admits, then your DH will have to report him, otherwise he's concealing it from his employer.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 16/10/2018 11:09

From what you've said I would tell his boss.

All addicts are different just like everyone else. From experience for many the downward spiral is fuelled by the lies, guilt and shame. For them being confronted calmly by a trusted friend and 'fessing up is the catalyst to getting back on track.

Santaclarita · 16/10/2018 11:25

I would tell the police. He's drug driving potentially, deliberately risking lives. What if he kills someone? You gonna be OK with it if he hits someone you know and you did nothing? He's being very selfish and stupid. Sod him, his fault.

Welshmaiden85 · 16/10/2018 11:26

I would talk to his wife, face to face with your DH. Say how worried you are about your friend and the whole family. Maybe also give her contact details for CA. CA will also have mentors to support him and will know what local services (if any...thanks Tory cuts) there are that he can access.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t contact someone’s work unless they were going to pose a risk to someone (doctor/nurse etc), only you can judge if boss is enough of a friend to negate this.

lottiegarbanzo · 16/10/2018 11:34

Speak to the man himself. Your DH needs to anyway, about the money.

The best way to 'force the issue' is for your DH to insist on the man either providing the goods to the customer, or repaying the money. If he says he can't, ask why and go from there.

JammieCodger · 16/10/2018 11:40

If he’s a friend and your husband’s business partner, I’d have thought the logical first step would be for you or your husband to talk to him.

Greatorb · 16/10/2018 11:53

If he drives for a living, no boss, no matter how friendly, would keep him employed if they knew he was unfit to drive through drink or drugs.

Coyoacan · 16/10/2018 13:39

Sorry, I've skipped to the end of the thread, but I am a bit shocked at all the people telling you to mind your own business, OP.

As the mother of his children, I definitely think that the wife should be told about his cocaine use. This is the family money being spent and her and her children's physical integrity being put in danger, because cocaine use causes violent paranoia. I know because I have had good friends who became addicts. And I would be very concerned for your husband too, OP.

Chesterfieldsofa · 16/10/2018 16:47

Is he messaging someone from a second phone hidden in the van? And spending money on her? That fits too.

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