to ask if you have successfully managed to train your partner to do housework/chores?

[killingtime9198]

....just that really. And, if so, whether you can give me any tips?

DP and I have been together 4 years and living together 2 and, although he is a little bit better about doing things like a load of laundry, generally cleaning up after himself still just does not happen. Plates are left on top of the dishwasher, clothes on the bathroom floor, clean laundry left in the laundry basket for weeks on end if I don't put it away.

I have tried: calmly telling him I need more help, shouting at him, nagging him, positive reinforcement, just leaving things he does not do that don't affect me (like putting his clean clothes away). None of the above seems to be getting us anywhere. Most of the time I will give in and do what is left myself - if saucepans have been in the sink for three days and we have no more clean saucepans I feel I don't have much choice other than to wash them up - but I am wary of this as if we have children they are going to grow up seeing mum do nearly everything and dad do basically nothing, which will probably mean this carries on for another generation....

It would be great to hear from anyone who has managed to have some success in this area, even if it took a while (in fact especially if it took a while, as then I might have hope!)

no advice but following with interest!

Firstly it's not helping you, so change the language. It is not your job to pick up after him. I made this clear to DH not long after he moved in many years ago. Doing housework is being an adult, he has no special needs or disabilities (a penis doesn't count). So when he does leave his pants on the floor or walk past a load of clean laundry that needs taking upstairs, I'll just ask if there's something wrong with his eyesight etc. I told him at the start I wouldn't want to patronise him by assuming that as a man he wasn't capable of basic task involved in maintaining a home environment.

I did not need to train as such, DP is a cleaner by nature, He is good, I don't have to nag much, if I do he knows and will change it the next time. He is very literal. As J lopez said I ain't your Mama. Relationships need to have an equal balance. It is soul destroying nagging an adult to do adult things.

Nope. My ex very much had an entitlement that he was too artistic/busy/reason of the day to do basic things.
It wasn't till he proposed and it sink in that he had no intention of changing and if that was how he acted when trying to show what type of husband he would be, then there was no way he'd improve.
I'm now with a bloke who I said 'yes' to and who can manage basic and complex tasks without it being a big deal. I really regret every day I spent with ex doing his share of general life.

It can help initially to have agreed tasks, so he hates to cook I enjoy it. So I mainly cook and he washes up (now just loads the dishwasher). When he would leave things in the sink I'd just say I'm not starting dinner until this morning's/yesterday's washing up is done, then stick to it. Or if you have a usual time for housework, do you want to clean the kitchen or bathroom this weekend, I'll do the other? Doing nothing while I run around like an idiot isn't an option. Our son is due soon and he will be raised to be able to look after himself and not expect a woman to do it for him. DH still leaves pants in the bathroom is the hardest habit to break it seems, I just say why are your pants on the floor? If he leaves them there I leave them there, I've his parents visited and MIL went to use the toilet so I just apologised in advance that DHs pants were on the floor as he seems to think they live there. His mum then told him off as he shouldn't expect me to pick up after him, he was very embarrassed and it's now an occasional lapse rather than an ongoing issue.

2 years in and he knows you will crack and do it. The damage is already done.

Why do you want to be in a relationship where he expects you to run round after him? It's such a lack of respect. He's setting his role out as the Alpha Male, and the AM does not cook, clean, help. That's womens work.

When someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

It ain’t gonna happen.

I feel kind of sad for you that your own expectations are that low - that you believe you have to “train” a man to do the very basics of daily living... perhaps that’s where you’re going wrong in your choice of partner.

At least now if you choose to go ahead and have children with this useless twat you’re choosing it with eyes wide open, you can’t be bleating on here in a couple of years time that you do everything and he’s continued daily life as he knows it.

I hope I never needed training, but when we had to discuss the division of labour we tried a couple of things.

One was to draw up a spreadsheet of all the different tasks and how often they needed to be done - e.g. Daily, every other day, weekly, etc - and then sit down and divide them equally.

The other thing was chore wars. www.chorewars.com

No. I'd never become involved with a man I had to "train" to function like a normal adult.

Why do you need to train him? He's not a dog. It's not your job to either train him or pick up after him just because you've got an extra X chromosome.

Women need to stop thinking like this. He's not an equal in the home so he's not a partner, is he? Bin him.

My dh isn't great at "seeing" stuff that needs doing, but is more than happy to do stuff if i mention it. or it's something he generally does (e.g. the bins), or is an obvious daily task like washing up, putting away etc.

One thing that has been a big help in our house is that I have written down literally every job i can think of that needs doing, and how often, and i have allocated days to them . So yes in some ways it's annoying that it was me that sat down to do it (he would probably have helped but i was laid up post op so it was actually quite good to do as i couldn't do much else useful). The list is now up in the kitchen, and we both know what needs doing daily and on each individual day for weekly stuff. It's not all perfectly implemented yet, but the house is improving, i have to ask for stuff to be done less as it's all there to see, and it's removed a lot of the mental load. I used to feel so overwhelmed when the house got messy but now it's much easier to be like "the floor needs cleaning, etc etc etc, but oh it's okay, that happens tomorrow and x y z happens wednesday" etc, which makes things feel more manageable. Not sure if that helps, but it's made a difference here

No. I'd never become involved with a man I had to "train" to function like a normal adult.

Indeed. This stuff makes my teeth itch.

He thinks you're less important than him and should be the one picking his dirty pants off the floor and making sure the pots and pans are clean.

Let me guess "he just doesn't see the mess"?

It's so fucking disrespectful I couldn't find someone attractive who chose (and it's an active choice) to live in a pit and let their partner do everything.

No advice as he's never going to change. But you are right to be worried about bringing children into this dynamic. And before then, worry about yourself enough to expect more from your chosen life partner.

What would happen if you got injured or sick? Would he still not care enough to pitch in?

DH does all the housework.

Yes I do wish I could train my DW to cook and clean.....any advice girls?

Mine came fully trained already, as he had been married before. But before that he lived on his own and managed just fine.
We have fallen into a division of labour that suits us and our strengths and weaknesses.
He does all the food shopping and 99% of the cooking.
I do all the washing up, hoovering, general tidying.
He does his own laundry and his own ironing.
I do my own laundry and iron nothing.
He is a bit of a hoarder and tends to 'shed' when he comes in the door - keys, wallet, car keys, watch, all tend to be dropped off on various flat surfaces. I used to get angry, now I just don't let it bother me as it's a small thing in the grand scheme of marital compromise.

Similar to katamari - DH doesn’t see stuff that needs doing, or logically in his head it makes sense to put the dishes on the side to put in the dishwasher later, rather than do it straight away.

We both have allocated tasks that we do in a set time frame, but we let each other complete them in our own time. At the start of the day, I might mention that the recycling needs taking out and the washing hanging out, and he’ll pick one to do.

I like everything to be spotless and in its place constantly, whereas DH is more relaxed and likes things to be more lived in. As long as it’s hygenic, I’ve learnt not to mind and he’s become tidier.

Gosh a lot of this is very fatalistic isn't it!

I should mention that he doesn't do nothing. Yesterday he did supermarket shop, cooked dinner and did two loads of washing while I did nothing (hungover so spent the day on the sofa). It is just the picking up after himself that continues to be a problem.

Thank you to Tign and CaseStudy Research - good point about how I like things to be, as I think part of the problem is that I am used to things being spotless, and if I lived by myself they would be. We need to manage to achieve a compromise position whereby I don't lose my temper if he leaves sunglasses/headphone/keys on the dining table, but he also does his own washing up!

I wouldnt even be with someone I needed to 'train'. I would find that pathetic and be put off. You are also enabling him by doing it..

Your title is awful and says a lot about your view on relationships. Your partner is a human being, not a dog. My DH and I are both equals in our relationship, and can communicate about who does what etc around the house. But then he doesn't view me as his personal slave, unlike your partner by the looks of it.

He was already fairly well-trained when he arrived

OP, even if he's doing bits and pieces, and you manage to invest your finite energy into "training" him into stepping up and being a real partner...

two things:

(a) you're still going to be left with the mental load. sure, he washes up, but you're responsible for asking him to do it. multiply that by the general life jobs that exist in an average family home, and you'll start to have an inkling into why the Relationships forum on this site is so filled with women completely utterly exhausted with their spouses (it's not always men) failing to do their real share of running a household.
put simply, life is too short to invest your energy and time into someone like this. he's showed you who he is, and it would be unrealistic to expect him to change.

(b) this will only get worse. you may have a temporary blip whilst he's in a good behaviour mode, but how will this play out when you have kids and the inevitable maternity leave responsibilities kick in? You'll be forever tied to doing 90% of the household management, mentally, and half physically (even if he by some miracle sorts himself out to your low expectations)... throw kids into that mix and 20 years down the line there will be no love left, and no role model for your children.

It's time to bin him - there are plenty of real partners out there who'll treat your time and energy with as much respect as you'd hope for your future DD or DS.

It's not that it's fatalistic - just that the ground rules set early on in a relationship are very difficult to change. And if he's got no problem leaving dirty saucepans in the sink for three days, that's just a fact. I have to say though - if he's like this when you both work full time you've buckley's chance of getting him to pull his weight while you're on mat leave / working part time...

Despite coming from actually a macho/male dominated culture, my father did all the cooking and ironing and shared other household chores with my mother. Both worked full-time and they budgeted for a cleaner. I recall smiling when there was a discussion about what makes a happy marriage among some adults and my mother responded that a dishwasher, at least two toilets and making time for each other was more important than an immaculately clean house. I simply did not even entertain any guy who would not do half the housework, especially when I moved to the UK. I remember the shock of one ex who announced that his in-laws wanted to visit and told me the place needed a serious clean and a lot of food had to be prepped. I smiled and told him to better get a start then. He was so gobsmacked that he actually did. I was also completely immune to his huffing and puffing while he did it and continued reading my book. His mum kept going on about how good it was of her precious son to cook and help me in the house. I told her that I wasn’t about to give him a service medal. Luckily, my DH was raised by an amazing woman and is very nurturing. She was widowed when he and his siblings were very young and he actually did a lot of the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc as the oldest. Some women were cooing how amazing it was but he shrugged his shoulders and told her his mum worked long hours and kids should be expected to do chores regardless of gender. Why is this still a thing in 2018?

I sympathize op. People on here often say you shouldn't have to train etc but the fact is, if you love him, or want to stay living with him for other reasons, you've got to do something to stop yourself going crazy!
Mine doesn't do nothing either but his standards aren't the same as mine. He will leave coffee cups and plates wherever until he decides to do a big clean (could be a week... Sometimes more). I take every dish to the sink when it's finished with or end of the evening latest, let it soak then load the dishwasher last thing at night. Some people would find me disgusting as I don't out everything straight in the dishwasher (but it does clean better once it's been soaked...).
Thing is, I don't think he'd mind if I did leave my cups round like he does. So if we have The Row he just says im controlling and nagging and he would never have a go at me over something so petty. Sigh. He does however have a massive go if he doesn't have clean pants because I havent got round to washing them yet. When I said I go through the basket and there wasn't much in there so I saw no urgency, he said that as a sahm it's my job to check if he has enough pants (in his drawer, presumably). That's what he gets for hoarding then on the floor instead of in the basket.