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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if you have successfully managed to train your partner to do housework/chores?

82 replies

killingtime9198 · 15/10/2018 13:51

....just that really. And, if so, whether you can give me any tips?

DP and I have been together 4 years and living together 2 and, although he is a little bit better about doing things like a load of laundry, generally cleaning up after himself still just does not happen. Plates are left on top of the dishwasher, clothes on the bathroom floor, clean laundry left in the laundry basket for weeks on end if I don't put it away.

I have tried: calmly telling him I need more help, shouting at him, nagging him, positive reinforcement, just leaving things he does not do that don't affect me (like putting his clean clothes away). None of the above seems to be getting us anywhere. Most of the time I will give in and do what is left myself - if saucepans have been in the sink for three days and we have no more clean saucepans I feel I don't have much choice other than to wash them up - but I am wary of this as if we have children they are going to grow up seeing mum do nearly everything and dad do basically nothing, which will probably mean this carries on for another generation....

It would be great to hear from anyone who has managed to have some success in this area, even if it took a while (in fact especially if it took a while, as then I might have hope!)

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 16/10/2018 07:33

Yes my Dad was Navy MissCherry and I was astonished at other people’s Dads, when mine ironed all family stuff, did outside stuff and decorating, vacuumed, cooked, did incredible stuff with our school shoes - all without the faintest sense he was doing anything more than he ought! Perhaps there should be a housework National Service 😉

TheDowagerCuntess · 16/10/2018 07:44

No training needed as I married a grown man, who'd lived away from Mummy for several years.

The worst part is, sub-standard, incompetent men almost seem to be so par for the course, that saying you have a decent one is almost being unbearably smug.

Sorry to bring this down to base level, but ... how do you manage to have sex with such an incapable specimen?

Sommelierrrr · 16/10/2018 07:48

I once calculated that over the course of my relationship with my ex (8.5 years) I spent up to an hour per day solely tidying the messes he had made around the house. That was close to 3000 hours of my life.

LokiBear · 16/10/2018 08:05

I didnt train dh. I wrote out a jobs lustband schedule and told him if he didn't stick to it, I was divorcing him. I kicked off a couple of times when dh hadnt done it. But, I only kick off over the big things. For example, it was agreed that when one of us put the baby to bed, the other would tidy and hoover. This is a bigger job. I complain if he hasnt done it and there is little movement. I wont accept 'ill do it later' because that wasnt the agreement. A plate on top of the dishwasher is something id let go. A pile of pots would result in me making a sarcastic comment or just plain telling him to do it. We are now in a place where dh tends to do 50-50 without me nagging. Although, if he is in a mood with me, he will clean the whole house huffing and puffing to make a point of how 'good' he is. I let him get on with it; I am really not sure as to how hevthinks he is punishing me .

lifebegins50 · 16/10/2018 08:15

We need to manage to achieve a compromise position whereby I don't lose my temper if he leaves sunglasses/headphone/keys on the dining table

I don't think it is reasonable to lose your temper for these reasons.
If you have very different standards on hpuse tidyness then you will have issues unless you compromise.
However as others say, you can't train him. Did he live alone before? If so how was his house?

TyneTeas · 16/10/2018 08:17

Two things I have seen on here before that seem apt

Mystery of the Basket

She divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

RoboticSealpup · 16/10/2018 08:21

No, he was able to do that stuff when we met thanks to living by himself for many years.

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 16/10/2018 08:32

People are being overly harsh on the OP, as if it's her fault that she hasn't set the groundrules properly. She obviously didn't choose for her DH to act this way. She was expecting him to be a grown up adult. It's not her fault that he isn't and no one wants to go about yelling at their DHs all the time.

My guess is that most women want a happy marriage, so give in and do it most of the time.

OP, I would threaten to leave him, pure and simple. You've done everything else and if that doesn't pull his socks up, nothing will. It's statistically proven that the more housework a husband does, the more likely the marriage is to last. And this is a classic example of that.

Good luck

tenorladybeaker · 16/10/2018 08:36

I married a functional adult who wasn't a sexist and has always done his fair share without being asked.

If we all did likewise and brought up our sons and daughters to always expect to do no less and no more than 50% of the housework then the sexist gits would die out. Why are so many women enabling male entitlement like this? It's the 21st Century fgs.

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 16/10/2018 08:38

I didn’t train my husband to do anything. He does the housework as it needs doing. Yes I am at home most of the time. I don’t have small children. But he doesn’t see why it should all fall on me. If u are training a man do wash up that’s just weird

Dontgiveamonkeys1350 · 16/10/2018 08:45

Also. If my husband wanted to put his keys and sunglasses on the dining room table he can. It’s his dining room table as well???? It wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t go round moving them???

OwlService · 16/10/2018 08:54

Agree, it shouldn't be anyone's job to train another adult.

It sounds like you have unknowingly been allocated the now obsolete 1950s model.

You need to send him back, to have his factory settings reset. Ask for the 2018 upgrade.

silkpyjamasallday · 16/10/2018 09:06

My DP was always good at sharing housework equally before we had dd, then he got used to me doing things as I was at home after dd was born. It took a long time before he stepped up again and took responsibility for his mess, I just started not doing everything and running myself ragged, it soon became unbearable for him. Now he nags me about things though and has become evangelical about cleaning, so be careful what you wish for!

MidnightAura · 16/10/2018 09:07

I didn’t train my Husband. What a strange word. He’s a grown man who’s more than capable of doing chores and generally tidying up after himself. If he hadn’t we wouldn’t have got married.

BackIntoTheSun · 16/10/2018 09:11

I didn't train mine, he was a fully fledged adult when i met him

BertrandRussell · 16/10/2018 09:14

I just made sure that I formed an adult relationship with another adult. Easy, really.

NoSquirrels · 16/10/2018 09:15

Agree somewhere convenient t fur the sunglasses & keys etc. My DH has a dumping basket in the hall. You could have one in the dining room.

Did more general picking up after himself & tidying I told my DH something I’d read on MN (thanks MN!) that everytine he left something where it shouldn’t be, or ignored the pile of sauce pans in the sink, or walked past the laundry needing to go upstairs, he should say to himself “Fuck that, NoSquirrels will do that for me”.

I told him that every time he did that it was exactly how it came across to me - “Fuck you NoSquirrels”.

Try that. And the Dishes by the Sink divorce article too.

Bluelady · 16/10/2018 09:18

The army completely failed to train mine, if they couldn't do it I reckon he's beyond help. He does all the cooking and shopping and I do the rest of the day to day stuff. However, he does manage to put his dirty clothes in the basket, he takes his dirty dishes to the dishwasher but appears incapable of opening the door.

I'd find it a lot more stressful to nag about it than I do to actually do it. But I grew up in a household where my dad struggled to make a cup of tea so my bar is set quite low.

Irlaith · 16/10/2018 09:36

I'm a lot cleaner than DP. He is tidy though. Occasionally leaves clothes lying around but he does all the DIY and shopping. It's definitely balanced. Never needed to train or nah. He will give me a hand if I simply just ask him

Thursdaydreaming · 16/10/2018 10:06

TotHappy
He does however have a massive go if he doesn't have clean pants because I havent got round to washing them yet.

Why would his pants status have anything to do with you?

Thursdaydreaming · 16/10/2018 10:08

Surely laundry is the easiest. Just don't do it, as it doesn't really impact you like say dirty dishes.

Also, get a cat. A flatmate of mine was very messy, leaving their laundry around. The cat would come and piss on it. He never learned though so maybe that isn't a good idea.

Hillarious · 16/10/2018 10:18

My DH went about things the wrong way. After he plumbed in the washing machine, he said I couldn't use it until I read the instructions. That was about 20 years ago, and I've not yet read the instruction booklet for that machine, or the subsequent one that replaced it. Consequently, DH does all the washing. He does all the ironing, apart from mine, which is left in the basket until I find time to do it.

I do most of the cooking, because I'm the fussy one - I don't like chunky salads, or chunky onion in any sauces. DH does the shopping if money's tight - he doesn't purchase anything not on the shopping list - but I do it if I want nice treats.

I do the vacuum cleaning of the carpets, because I see the bits. He does the vacuum cleaning of the wooden floors, because he notices the dust first.

I load the dishwasher, because I do it best, and can't bear to see the dirty crockery left near it. I also don't like to drink out of a cup already used, whilst DH doesn't have a problem with that. Hence the reason I'm quick to hide away dirty crockery in the dishwasher. DH unloads it and puts everything away.

DH uses the paint roller to paint large areas because he wants it done quickly. I do the tricky bits with the small paint brush, because I want it done properly.

DH takes out the bins, because that's a boy's job (according to Mr and Mrs May).

Basically, it's all give and take. Work to each other's strengths and appreciate what each of you does well.

If your partner doesn't do anything well, well you know what to do.

FlowThroughIt · 16/10/2018 10:21

"Train your partner"

How completely and utterly disrespectful. I chose a partner who was a capable adult not someone who had the potential to be. Stop dating and marrying men for their potential!

ThistleAmore · 16/10/2018 12:24

Interesting to hear from those with Services dads/OHs: my dad was Navy, and considerably better at housework than any of the three women he shared a house with, particularly when it came to ironing (nobody could iron in a pin crease like my dad, you could cut yourself on them!).

My grandfather also served at sea during WWII (although he was a naval engineer as a civilian), and was exceptionally handy with a duster/hoover/iron/wooden spoon.

ShalomJackie · 16/10/2018 12:36

Didn't need to train my adult partner because well, you know, he is an adult.

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