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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have successfully managed to train your partner to do housework/chores?

82 replies

killingtime9198 · 15/10/2018 13:51

....just that really. And, if so, whether you can give me any tips?

DP and I have been together 4 years and living together 2 and, although he is a little bit better about doing things like a load of laundry, generally cleaning up after himself still just does not happen. Plates are left on top of the dishwasher, clothes on the bathroom floor, clean laundry left in the laundry basket for weeks on end if I don't put it away.

I have tried: calmly telling him I need more help, shouting at him, nagging him, positive reinforcement, just leaving things he does not do that don't affect me (like putting his clean clothes away). None of the above seems to be getting us anywhere. Most of the time I will give in and do what is left myself - if saucepans have been in the sink for three days and we have no more clean saucepans I feel I don't have much choice other than to wash them up - but I am wary of this as if we have children they are going to grow up seeing mum do nearly everything and dad do basically nothing, which will probably mean this carries on for another generation....

It would be great to hear from anyone who has managed to have some success in this area, even if it took a while (in fact especially if it took a while, as then I might have hope!)

OP posts:
ThistleAmore · 15/10/2018 14:53

No. I'd never become involved with a man I had to "train" to function like a normal adult.

This. Also, grown men who behave like children are pathetic and unattractive.

I grew up in a house where my mother and father split everything down the middle, and that was basically my expectation of a relationship. Before I met my OH, I left several relationships in my early 20s when it quickly became clear that the other party was a lazy pig.

As another PP has said, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them.

Eilaianne · 15/10/2018 14:55

also to add - once you're rid of this leech, you'll wonder why your standards ever got so low. seriously.

LilMy33 · 15/10/2018 14:56

I’m planning to move in with my partner in a few months. I wouldn’t even consider living with him ever if I had to “train” him to pull his finger out and do stuff around his own home to make it a nice habitable place to live. Luckily he seems to be a functional human being so we should get on great.

That said, my ex who I lived with for 10 years was a lazy selfish abusive slob so I only have the attitude I have now because I’ve learnt the hard way. If they’re already a lazy selfish slob or a spoilt mummy’s boy it’s not easy to break those habits and quite frankly, life is too short to deal with that.

RiverTam · 15/10/2018 15:10

wow, Tot, he sounds a peach Hmm.

hamabr86 · 15/10/2018 15:12

Would you say the time he puts into his tasks are similar to the time you put into yours?

I am far messier than my DP and I don't naturally 'see' the mess in the same was he does however I would estimate that I spend quite a lot more time overall than him on things that need doing like shopping / cooking / tidying up after his DC.

Because these aren't the things that he notices however (although I don't know what he thinks happens to the kids stuff when he takes them home) he will still grumble about washing he's put on not being hung out etc or whatever he see's as being the priority.

Can you not divide your tasks?

BlackeyedSusan · 15/10/2018 15:13

taking a look at ex's current house, no.

Bimgy85 · 15/10/2018 15:16

This has to be a joke

Train your partner?

Where the hell did your partner come from? The wild?

When I met my partner he didn't need to be 'trained' Confused he was a normally functioning person who cleaned up after himself

GloriousMystery · 15/10/2018 15:23

No. I'd never become involved with a man I had to "train" to function like a normal adult.

This, absolutely. DH does all the cooking and shopping, and currently more laundry and childcare than I do because of his work patterns.

However, based on past threads, it is now about the time when someone will arrive on the this thread and accuse the people who say that they would not have formed a relationship with a man who thinks cleaning is the prerogative of women of being Little Miss Perfects, or accuse us of lying, because 'real men aren't like that', and nobody's husbands really do the washing-up unbidden. Hmm

SilverySurfer · 15/10/2018 15:31

Unless he is a performing seal you shouldn't have to train your partner. You've enabled his behaviour for two years and really what motivation does he now have to morph into a fully functioning adult? Even if you manage to get him to undertake any task, I would bet good money that he will be professionally incompetent and do the task so badly that you never ask again. If you have children with this person be prepared to do 100% of everything.

You need to ask yourself is this how you want your life to be?

ProfessorMoody · 15/10/2018 15:34

Train my partner? Eh?

He was already "trained". I wouldn't have married him if he wasn't a grown adult.

InterstellarSleepingElla · 15/10/2018 15:37

He's tried, failed and now does it himself! 😂 He is definitely the tidier one of us!

Notso · 15/10/2018 15:44

Not trained but me and DH have 'grown up' as a couple. We were very young when we moved in together, 19 and 22 and we became parents a month later.
He came from his parents, I'd lived away from mine before. He came from a home where Mum did everything, my parents split jobs. Things were tough at first and we both had different expectations.
We're nearly 19 years in now and although I'm a SAHM and he works away often he does his fair share when he's here. Importantly he respects what I do and how much I do, I never feel taken for granted.

Mrskeats · 15/10/2018 15:46

My husband is not a dog. Therefore I do not feel the need to ‘train’ him.
We split household tasks. It’s really that simple.
Hard to believe this is still an issue in 2018.

Andromeida59 · 15/10/2018 16:57

When I moved in with my partner he was dreadful. He believed that he'd "help" around the house. He also criticised my cooking because "my Mum doesn't cook it like that". I quickly put him straight that if he wanted it how his mother cooked It, he could move back home.
He's been fantastic ever since. He doesn't "help", we run the home, together.

DitheringBlidiot · 15/10/2018 17:17

Have defined roles. I clean kitchen and bedroom, oh does living room and bathroom and whizzes hoover round as it’s out. Does he think it’s your job?

OutPinked · 15/10/2018 17:20

I just keep nagging until he gets annoyed and does it. Some habits have naturally disappeared as a result, others are more ingrained and I still have to nag. I hate nagging, I hate being that person but I also hate his pants being on the bedroom floor or his towels so...

JupiterDrops · 15/10/2018 17:21

Is this a joke?

My answer is no. Because my DH doesn't need 'training'. He's not a man-child who is incapable of completing the basic functions of running a household and family. And if he was incapable, he's not a misogynist and so would have taught himself as he knows it's our shared responsibility.

Why on earth would you be in a relationship with someone who is such a waste of space?

Biancadelriosback · 15/10/2018 17:23

DH does all maintenance, gardening and cooking while I do the day to day cleaning and tidying. He couldn't care less if the bedsheets haven't been changed, but he hates the sight of weeds in the garden, im the opposite.

Ps, you don't train humans

kaytee87 · 15/10/2018 17:24

MIL trained him for me.

But seriously, no, I met him when he was a fully functioning adult and he has remained that way. We both have strengths and weaknesses and work as a team.

kaytee87 · 15/10/2018 17:25

Ps, you don't train human

Don't know about that. I have a 2yo and feel like a lion tamer at times Grin

MissCherryCakeyBun · 15/10/2018 17:32

The army trained mine and he's bloody brilliant Not only can he cook and clean and stays tidy he encourages me to do so too

It's about not being a man child basically, his mum had him cooking cleaning etc as a growing child and at 16 when he joined the army he had to or suffer the consequences. He's 54 so it's not a generational thing either, it's about not having to be remind wipe your own arse basically life skills should be taught to both sexes of children equally and these include cooking cleaning sewing and basic diy....yup those last 2 don't get taught in school anymore and are invaluable skills to have.....if you don't know how to do either take the time to learn it will save you money and time in the long run

Parker231 · 15/10/2018 17:50

Why would you train him ? Is he your cat it dog?

DH came into our relationship ‘trained’. We wouldn’t be married if he wasn’t. It’s a huge sign of disrespect if your DH treats you as his servant. Why would you pick up his clothes for him - he is physically unable to? Divide up what needs doing between you and both get on with it.

Trying93 · 15/10/2018 17:57

My DH is good at doing the obvious stuff like putting a wash on, emptying bin, etc because he can see it needs done.

We got one of these and I leave him a note saying "can you Hoover today and il clean bathroom when I'm home" and it means we both do our fair share

www.amazon.co.uk/mDesign-Organizer-Letter-Holder-Dry-Erase/dp/B0765ZQPCC/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=key+holder+white+board&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1539622452&sr=8-1

unlimiteddilutingjuice · 15/10/2018 18:02

What worked for us was dividing rooms rather than the jobs so e.g: DH has the living room and I have the kitchen.
Each person has complete discretion over how the cleaning happens. They can tidy as they go or do the whole thing in a blitz once a week. Just so long as it gets done.
This has really got us out of a rut of nagging/arguing over cleaning.

serbska · 15/10/2018 18:10

Go for a ready made one. No one really changes.

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