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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Children spending day with ex's partner

105 replies

namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:22

So my 3 youngest are having an extra overnight with their dad next Tuesday evening who will be working on Wednesday. His partner is going to spend the day with the kids and take them out for the day as there is a school in service day. I do know how I feel about this aibu? Would you allow this ?

OP posts:
CrispbuttyNo1 · 15/10/2018 10:24

Why wouldn’t you allow it?

buscaution · 15/10/2018 10:27

Well context is everything Hmm

TrudeauGirl · 15/10/2018 10:28

Of course I'd allow it, gives them a chance to bond. Which although probably feels bad, but honestly it's a good thing.

MrsBertBibby · 15/10/2018 10:28

I think "thank you" is the phrase you're looking for.

Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:28

Sorry, I don't really know what else to add. They have been together over a year and live together. I just don't know how I feel about it. It doesn't feel good to me.

OP posts:
TrudeauGirl · 15/10/2018 10:29

The children will need to bond with the partner, and he/she is doing a good thing by taking them for the day. I'm sure they'll have fun.

Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:29

@MrsBertBibby I wasn't looking for sarcy replies. Was asking if I was being unreasonable and is it normal to feel this way. Thanks anyway for your reply

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:30

@TrudeauGirl yes, I agree. I know they will be fine and safe. I guess it's me feeling unsure about it.

OP posts:
TrudeauGirl · 15/10/2018 10:32

yes, I agree. I know they will be fine and safe. I guess it's me feeling unsure about it

Maybe you can have a fun little day together when they get back Smile It's ok to feel unsure, even if it's a good thing that's happening, it's natural.

hphp22 · 15/10/2018 10:32

I think YABU.

I'm a mum and a stepmum and think it is very important that on occasion my DSD gets to do stuff with me and her little sibling too.

It can make children feel uncomfortable/in the middle and not part of their '2nd' family if they can't spend time with the whole of that family (and as your ex lives with her she is part of their family at dads house).

I understand it can be tough but I think it's very unfair on the children to make them feel separated like that, IYSWIM

buscaution · 15/10/2018 10:34

They have been together over a year and live together.

So presumably your children know the partner?

I just don't know how I feel about it.

Feel as if your ex and his partner are working together around the family just as resident parents do?

it just doesn't feel good to me

Why not? Because you have concerns about the partner not looking after your children properly? I would assume if their father is happy to leave them the. It's fair to assume he knows they will be safe.

Or is it because you are being the ridiculous 'I don't want someone else looking after my kids' type of ex? Because actually this is a good move forward in terms of inclusion for your children.

I agree with the PO who says you should say thank you

PoesyCherish · 15/10/2018 10:35

I think it must be really tough for you but as a stepmum myself, I think it's really important for them to be able to bond with and have fun with her.

I think re context part of it is whether or not you'd be able to look after them yourself instead? Although even then I'd be inclined to let her see them for the day as it is realistically only a few hours and it'd be good for them all.

cadburyegg · 15/10/2018 10:35

More info required - why are they staying an extra night?

If you’re uncomfortable with it then make arrangements to care for them yourself.

Stepparents get a rough deal sometimes imo. When my half siblings were young their mum booked a week’s holiday and told Mum and dad to make arrangements but dad couldn’t get time off so my mum took the week off to look after them. No gratitude was shown towards her though!

JacquesHammer · 15/10/2018 10:35

Would you allow this ?

You can't not allow it?!

But yes, wouldn't bother me. What a great, no pressure way to spend time with someone who is important to your ex and may well become important to your children.

Kaykay06 · 15/10/2018 10:36

It will feel a bit odd but you’re their Mum and always will be, however it doesn’t mean that they can’t have someone else in their lives and that person can care for them, I’m sure this woman is happy to do stuff with them so you should be too and as long as they are happy and cared for whilst there then you have nothing to worry about.

MemoryOfSleep · 15/10/2018 10:37

Any reason to doubt their safety? Are the kids very young/known to run off? Do they have complex sen that the woman may not deal with correctly? Would you have preferred to have them on the inset day?

Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:39

@PoesyCherish yes, I would be available to look after them. They have a couple days off school next week for in service days and their dad asked for extra night with them.

To a PP I am the resident parent. They see their father EOW

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 15/10/2018 10:39

Well, she doesn’t have to have them as they’re not her kids. She could easily refuse to have them.
She’s making the effort with them because they are her partner’s kids and I’m guessing she wants to have a nice relationship with them.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 15/10/2018 10:41

May I ask what ages are the children?

Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:41

@MemoryOfSleep no reason to doubt they won't be cared for. They are 2,5 and 8. No sen etc. I just feel uncomfortable about it. I know this is UNreasonable. And I could easily say no as this is "extra" time x

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 15/10/2018 10:43

And I could easily say no as this is "extra" time

Why would you though, especially as you have no real concerns.

Their father has absolutely equal rights to determine who is fit to care for them.

Feellikeimthemaid · 15/10/2018 10:52

I think it's natural to feel a bit uncertain. They're your DC, you're their mother, and you don't want another woman stepping in to your shoes in any way.

I think it's great that the partner is taking time to build a relationship with the children, as it will make their lives better and happier if they feel comfortable with her. How old are the DC?

Do you have any reasons to not allow her to have your DC? Have you met the woman? Do you have any justified concerns about how she'd look after them? Are the children not happy to spend the day with her? If there are no reasons for her not to have them for the day then probably YABU, but I'm sure it's hard for any parent to allow another adult to mind their kids, especially if it's the first time. Don't beat yourself up about feeling this way, but do look to see if the feelings of unease are justified.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 15/10/2018 10:54

Children of 2, 5 & 8 = a lot of hard work! If you have no concerns about how well they would be cared for, I think I would be making the most of the free time - doing something I enjoy.

PookieDo · 15/10/2018 10:57

I say thank you to D.C. stepmum for any extra help she gives. She doesn’t have to do it and it’s very nice of her to do so

Singlenotsingle · 15/10/2018 11:03

She's a brave woman, taking on someone else's children for a whole day. Hats off to her! Really it's in everyone's best interests that she should have a good relationship with them. It's an extra pair of hands available icon. Suppose you went into hospital and needed someone to look after them?

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