Children spending day with ex's partner

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So my 3 youngest are having an extra overnight with their dad next Tuesday evening who will be working on Wednesday. His partner is going to spend the day with the kids and take them out for the day as there is a school in service day. I do know how I feel about this aibu? Would you allow this ?

Honestly, firstly well done on being flexible and letting the children have this extra time away. If the partner is nice and the children learn to feel comfortable in their fathers household you are doing them a giant plus.
Secondly, Please allow yourself to feel what you are feeling, there's no right way. Some parents will learn to appreciate the alone time, some will struggle. To feel uncomfortable and unsure is very valid and ok. Only if those feelings are based on something like neglect should you give into them but it seems in this case its because you are learning to adapt to a new situation (a year isn't that long and the dad requesting extra time seems new too). Do think about what would make your feelings less (an activity, extra communication time etc). Focus on the positives!

She wants to spend time with them, or seems like her relationship with ex is a serious one. There are no concerns about her ability to care for them (drink, drugs, mental health etc). This actually sounds like a mature approach to blending families. You have no grounds to say no, other than jealousy your DCs might have a nice day with her. If they have a nice day isn't that a good thing? They get to see their dad for an extra night and have a fun day out with his partner. Think about the children not yourself.

Haven't rtft so don't know if this has been mentioned before.

As their dad is working while he has the children then he will have to organise child care, his responsibility. Would you rather he hired child care for the day or had someone the children have already met looking after them? It will probably be easier for him having his partner looking after them than getting a grandparent to do it, and it's a chance for them to bond/get to know each other better.

On the other hand. If she (I am assuming female) wasn't getting involved and getting to know the children would you be moaning she wasn't making an effort with them?

Op yabu but I know that feeling all too well, when my ex and his then partner took my daughter out for the day I felt so uncomfortable with it.

Fast forward a year and half and my ex and his gf moved in together, however his gf basically ignored my dd and made plans to avoid her at every opportunity. They have just split up partly due to the fact that dd was there every friday.

Trust me it's so much better that she is making an effort than arguing about their presence and making them feel unwanted.

There are some really harsh posters on here. YANBU, it must be very tricky. The idea of 'allowing' it might sound U to some people but we do usually choose who spends time with our dcs, especially for the day and especially if they're as young as your youngest. I get why you might be worried for your dcs' sakes as well as yours. But I hope it goes well and you all get along. Good luck.

@DeathyMcDeathStarFace this is extra time for him. And he wouldn't need to organise childcare as I am available all day. That's my issue, I will be sitting twiddling my thumbs, knowing someone else is playing mummy with my babies.

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate all the different views. I get that the way I'm feeling is u reasonable. It's still a shit feeling. I hate being away from my children

@obligations Thankyou, I appreciate that. Sometimes it feels my hard work with the children is constantly being undermined when they are my world and I do everything for them.

Stepmum here.

YANBU to feel what you feel and you have every right to refuse the EXTRA contact if you feel uncomfortable, though thinking in the long term it will be positive for your kids to have a positive relationship with your ex's partner, and you can enjoy some free time when possible. Being flexible will help everyone eventually. On the other hand, the partner is making some efforts by taking three kids by herself for a whole day.

That's my issue, I will be sitting twiddling my thumbs, knowing someone else is playing mummy with my babies

But think how lucky your children are to have so many adults who want to spend time with them.

It’s a positive and lovely thing

So don’t just sit there twiddling your thumbs - go out have a day to yourself , book a spa day, catch up with friends or just get stuff done that you may not have time to when the kids are around. Do you have a partner ? If you do or if you do in the future you have to think that you may have to leave your children with them, would you want your ex feeling like you do?

I say let it go, they are his children too and he should be also able to determine who looks after them also.

In the grand scheme of things it’s better to just get along, and it’s only one day

Ffs step mums really can do nothing right can they.

Would you be posting about what a bitch she was had she refused to have them?

playing mummy with my babies is a really pathetic phrase and frankly says more about you than her. She won't be playing mummy. She will be being daddy's partner and learning to bond with his kids. That is a great thing.

Stop deliberately looking for problems where there are none.

What minnie said.
I'm in your shoes and have been for 4 years. It took a long time to 'get over it' you're allowed to feel the way you do, but I agree this is a positive thing for your kids.
I have a better relationship now with stepmum than i do exp.
She keeps me updated what they do and we actually share stores and pictures via WhatsApp. It's comforting to know my DD has a great time with her.
As it's been a year could you make a move to get to know this lady? She might feel like she wants to share experiences with you just to put your mind at rest, is she a mother herself?

Going against the grain here. There's an inset day and ex has asked for extra time so his partner can spend the day with the kids whereas the OP would have liked that day with them. I'd think the OP's desire to spend the day with DCs trumps ex's partner...

And yes, I do think the step-mum is doing a really nice thing by offering to have them all, and that bodes brilliantly for the future - but the OP doesn't want help on that particular day.

If it was otherwise ex's time, then I'd think it was up to him.

Some pp's are being harsh. You know YABU but that's fine. It's a total valid feeling. I say this as a Mum and Stepmum who took dsc out alone and to see my own family (who consequently love them like their own) many times. Mum was off with me for a long time but she never stopped it and I never judged her for having those feelings it's natural (especially with the toddler who may not even be at nursery yet) . My husband had to work a lot if I didn't collect those visits would have been far fewer and shorter.
Things will get easier for you. I'm sure she cares for your children or the offer wouldn't be there.

Wheresthel1ght wow - what a nasty post. OP has the right to feel uncomfortable, she doesn't seem to know this woman and her children will be with her for a whole day. That is the problem right there.

I would feel the same in your shoes. It's the fact that you are free and would normally be with them yourself that would bother me. Could you suggest you do something all together?

I think it’s nice that the partner is happy to give up her time to do something nice with them, sounds like she’s really making an effort.

I think your discomfort is rooted in the idea that she’s playing “mummy” to them but speaking as a ‘stepmother’ can I please assure you that it isn’t like that at all. I have been with my partner two and a half years and I do not remotely “play mummy” to his son. It’s still my partner that tucks him in to bed at night, that comforts him when he hurts himself or is upset and that does all the other parenting things. I am more like a fun aunt that plays board games and occasionally buys him chocolate.

Someone they have known part time for less than a year is never, ever going to compete with you or replace you. YANBU to feel the way you do but I think it will be better for your kids in the long run if you are supportive.

Thanks all.

I don’t think most grown women try to play mummy

Part of the issue may be that this isn’t seen as a good thing to you as you don’t have anything to fill your free time

I understand how you feel though

I too can assure you she's not even remotely going to be trying to "play mummy". You wouldn't be saying that if their Aunt was looking after them. Just think of her as another relative who loves and cares for them.

I do lots of things for my DSD - help tuck her into bed, hug her when she's upset, play with her, cook and clean for her etc. But then I'd do the same if I was looking after my nephew (for example).

She's never going to replace you, nor will she want to and everyone knows you are their mother. Children having more people who love them and look out for their welfare can only be a good thing. You should be encouraging this whilst also taking some time for yourself and accept / distract yourself from your natural feelings.

playing mummy with my babies

She’s not playing Mummy with them. She’s just spending some time with them and it will be just like them going out with an auntie or other family member.

It doesn’t mean any female adult who takes them out for the day is out to replace you.

She could very easily say not my kids not my problem. Technically she would be right. How would you feel then?

@funinthesun18 it wouldn't bother me. I don't need the childcare

Stepfamilies can be really hard to navigate. If this woman is willing to look after them for the day and she looks to be in their lives long term it's in their best interests for it to happen. An engaged loving stepmum is soooo much better for kids than one that feels she should disengage and not have an independent relationship with the kids.

I think it's normal to feel like this but also that it's a good thing. They should see her as their family, this will be good bonding time.
Would you be comfortable letting your partner of over a year who you live with look after them for the day?

She could very easily say not my kids not my problem. Technically she would be right. How would you feel then?

it wouldn't bother me. I don't need the childcare

This is where your immaturity shines through. Your first thought shouldn’t be about childcare, it should be about the person your ex, and therefore your children, spend their time with is interested enough to step up. Imagine if she didn’t.

If my children were ever put in the situation where their dad was with someone else, I would absolutely want it to be someone who got involved.