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Original poster

Children spending day with ex's partner

105 replies

namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:22

So my 3 youngest are having an extra overnight with their dad next Tuesday evening who will be working on Wednesday. His partner is going to spend the day with the kids and take them out for the day as there is a school in service day. I do know how I feel about this aibu? Would you allow this ?

OP posts:
curious2 · 16/10/2018 05:11

Did your ex ask you if it was okay for your dc to stay an extra day OP? I don’t understand why you didn’t just say you would be picking them up in the morning?

there are times when she is looking after them solo. - there is no need for her to do this on this occasion - their Dad is unavailable yes, but their Mum isn’t, and it’s an extra day which OP doesn’t need to “give” to their Dad’s partner.

Is saying no to your ex difficult OP?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/10/2018 05:16

She clearly someone who intends to have a long term relationship with the dad and that time will help them all get to know each other.

Will OP not let any future partner of hers be alone with her children then?

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 16/10/2018 05:26

Your Ex will have the children for an extra overnight.
I totally get that you are available.
Have the children already been told about the potential day with stepmother / looking forward to doing something special.
You have 3 options
A) collect them in the morning; it is your day
B) comprise and pick them up at lunchtime so they get to spend morning with stepmum.
C) Let her have them all day as currently planned.

ItsThisOneThing · 16/10/2018 05:33

What would the kids prefer? I would ask them and go with whatever they would like to do. Easy!

curious2 · 16/10/2018 05:37

Will OP not let any future partner of hers be alone with her children then?

If it was Dad’s day and he was available and wanted to be with his kids, then this would trump any need OP’s partner may have to spend a day with her kids on his own.

Cupoteap · 16/10/2018 05:41

No yanbu to feel this way

Yes yabu if you try and stop it

How do the dc talk about her? Do they enjoy their visits to ex?

Personally I think my exh is a twat for not taking time off work when he has the dc in the school holidays. I try and remember they enjoy their visits, they enjoy playing with her dc. And most importantly she seems to like them, is kind to them and they like her.

Does it hurt on many different levels, of course. But this is part of our lives when living separately.

You cannot control what happens at his house. Unless it's extreme ie reportable I ss then you will have to let it go.

Find something to do to keep you occupied and try not to spend the whole time thinking what are they doing etc.

Stormtrooper1986 · 16/10/2018 07:28

This is one of those posts where the OP doesn’t believe she is being unreasonable even when she is being told so by the majority on here- why bother posting if you won’t listen ???

nokidshere · 16/10/2018 07:39

The new partner is not an extended family member like a grandma, then it might be different.

If she is going to be in their lives then surely the best scenario is that she bonds with them and is interested? So many people say they felt pushed out by step parents.

It's your time OP and you can say no if you want to because that's the arrangement. But if you are saying no at least say it for the right reasons. Your children will benefit from having another involved, interested adult in their lives.

As for missing them and twiddling your thumbs.... why? Do something, do nothing, enjoy the peace, whatever. There must be something enjoyable you can think of to do childfree for a few hours.

Poisongirl81 · 16/10/2018 07:42

I think it's very kind of their stepmum... At least she cares. Enjoy the downtime.

Jimdandy · 16/10/2018 07:44

Stepmum’s can never win.

If you needed childcare and said he couldn’t have them, I guarantee you’d be saying “he has a girlfriend that’s isnt working that day, I don’t see why she can’t have them, it’s his responsibility to organise childcare”

buscaution · 16/10/2018 08:08

would say that she is their Dad’s partner, and may or may not remain that long term.

Just the same as any other relationship then? None of them have guarantees.

curious2 · 16/10/2018 09:03

No not just the same, if your parents split up, they are still your parents. If your Mum or Dad splits with a partner, that person may or may not remain in your life.

I am not saying the partner can’t bond with the children, but why can’t she do it on the Dad’s time. Mum is available and it is her time - not the Dad’s partner’s.

buscaution · 16/10/2018 09:18

She lives with him. She is part of their lives regardless.

3Blues · 16/10/2018 09:51

I feel that if this was the exPs time, and he had to work so the partner was looking after them, then this would still be a problem for you.

As a mum, step mum and a child of divorce, it is so important for the kids to bond with the new partner. It is so good that she wants to do this too. It is going to be hard this time for you, but you are creating problems for your kids if you prevent them bonding with her. They need to feel secure with her too and if you do stop this or since every time they mention her, it will become quite traumatic for them. They will feel stuck in the middle and start lying to either side.

You need to get your head around this for yourself, you have the children a majority of the time, allow this to happen for your children, and think about how much happier their time with their dad will be if they feel comfortable with his partner and how much more precious your time with them will be. She will never replace you and she won't want to. Don't let lines be drawn between yourself and your ex, because ultimately that could happen.

You have tonnes of time with your kids, please be happy this is happening and please see how lucky you are that your partner is not with some woman who hates kids and ruins his time with them, I have seen it and experienced it when I was a kid and it is scarring.

FlowThroughIt · 16/10/2018 10:08

So he is getting extra time with them but didn't ask for the day off so is palming them off on his partner? I can see why it bothers you, he's getting extra time But not actually spending it with them, so what's the point.

Let them spend the night and pick them up after he leaves for work.

gimeallthecake · 16/10/2018 10:19

Going against the grain here. There's an inset day and ex has asked for extra time so his partner can spend the day with the kids whereas the OP would have liked that day with them. I'd think the OP's desire to spend the day with DCs trumps ex's partner...

This!

Why did he ask for an extra day if he's not even going to be around? This would annoy me too.

As a mother you are irreplaceable in the kids hearts so don't forget that 💕 they've only one mom and I'm sure you're doing a great job

0ccamsRazor · 16/10/2018 10:28

Op she is their step mum, it will do them all good to have a lovely day together.

Make sure that you say thank you to her, she is making an effort to be there for your dc.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 16/10/2018 10:38

'Allow' ?

They aren't posessions. You don't own them. What their other parent chooses to do in his own time with them in his time is up to him. He does not need your permission.

Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 16/10/2018 11:06

@BabySharkAteMyHamster it's not his time though, it's mine. This is extra

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange7362528494 · 16/10/2018 11:06

Agree I am probably being a bit UR. Think I will compromise and pick them up lunchtime, early afternoon. And then everyone's happy

OP posts:
Wheresthel1ght · 16/10/2018 11:14

Seriously these are children. You do not own time with them. ,

Stop acting like someone is stealing from you.

3Blues · 16/10/2018 11:28

and then everyone's happy

No...just you. Still in control, showing who's boss, and potentially interrupting a fun time for your children and important bonding time for them. Such a shame they do not live with you and you don't see them every day 🙄🙄🙄

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 16/10/2018 12:34

You already have them the majority of the time. Seriously, tread very carefully. Children become adults, don't be harping when theyre teenagers and have dumped their overly controlling mother.

Playing fair and being flexible pays off massively in years to come. Not hanging onto tiny bits of control. That doesnt make you look good

DiscontinuedModelHusband · 16/10/2018 12:40

don't think you're BU to feel a bit weird.

but think you'd definitely BU if you acted on it, despite thinking your children would enjoy/benefit from it.

WhatAboutTheWeather · 16/10/2018 12:49

Does she have DC of her own?
If not, I suspect the reality of looking after 3 young children will be a real shock. She probably has images of them behaving perfectly, sitting quietly at the table, smiling happily all the time and being grateful for her wonderful generosity.
The reality might be slightly different. If I were you, I would pick them up after tea so she has them ALL day. She might not be so keen next time when she knows the truth about how hard it is!
But I am evil. GrinGrinGrinGrin

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