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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Children spending day with ex's partner

105 replies

namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 10:22

So my 3 youngest are having an extra overnight with their dad next Tuesday evening who will be working on Wednesday. His partner is going to spend the day with the kids and take them out for the day as there is a school in service day. I do know how I feel about this aibu? Would you allow this ?

OP posts:

Seniorschoolmum · 15/10/2018 16:57

Op, I understand your hesitation and no it’s not unreasonable, it’s instinctive. However, on your ex’s days, he gets to decide, within reason.

Wait for your dcs to tell you how they get on, I’m sure they will tell you. And go from there.

And treat yourself to something on that day, so you aren’t sitting at home worrying.

funinthesun18 · 15/10/2018 17:05

As another poster said, it’s not about it being childcare. It’s about the children spending time with their dad’s partner during his time regardless of what you happen to be doing.
Are you saying that you would only want her to look after the children if you need childcare? That’s how it comes across in your post. If so then I think you have a big problem there as she isn’t there to provide childcare for you.

Original poster

namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 17:09

If it was his day with them, it wouldn't bother me. The fact is (if you read the full thread) this is extra for him which I have flexibility agreed to, where I am fully available that day to have my children!

OP posts:

Original poster

namechange7362528494 · 15/10/2018 17:10

@funinthesun18 I have my own means of childcare. This would ordinarily be MY time with the kids

OP posts:

bobisbored · 15/10/2018 17:31

OP you are BU but I get it. I'm a step-mum and my DS also has a step-mum so I know how you feel. Make plans to do something nice on that day and try not to stress. Your babies will be fine xx

yesmelord · 15/10/2018 21:34

It must be hard OP, I think everyone would have similar feelings!

The ages of your children would be challenging for anyone who doesn't usually have kids or that many kids at once?

Would it be easier if she just maybe took the oldest one or two and left the littlest with you?

Owlettele · 15/10/2018 21:39

Going against the grain here a bit. Why has he asked for extra time when he isn't actually going to be spending it with them. In this situation I would be more than happy for father to have extra time. However, if they were going to be palmed off on someone else when we could be enjoying a bonus day off school together I would say no and tell him to pick extra time when he was actually free!

curious2 · 15/10/2018 21:49

Going against the grain here. There's an inset day and ex has asked for extra time so his partner can spend the day with the kids whereas the OP would have liked that day with them. I'd think the OP's desire to spend the day with DCs trumps ex's partner...

^ this

curious2 · 15/10/2018 21:53

OP just say no because it is not your ex’s day, and you are available.

Just say no. I totally get it. Their Mum is available, their Dad is working. No brainer.

The new partner is not an extended family member like a grandma, then it might be different.

Tillytrotter123 · 15/10/2018 22:00

Yanbu to feel this way but as a pp said it’s better she’s nice to them and having a day out rather than ignoring them. They only have and will ever have one mummy, which is you. Just try and enjoy the day to yourself.

NewtScamandersNaughtyNiffler · 15/10/2018 22:02

I don't understand why he's asked for extra time with them if he's not actually going to be there.

stuffedpeppers · 15/10/2018 22:02

Sorry - why does she have to say thank you.
Her EXs problem to sort child care on his time, as everyone is keen to say - she has no say. Her Ex can thank his new DP.

OP - it always feels odd - you just learn acceptance

ohreallyohreallyoh · 15/10/2018 22:07

I think "thank you" is the phrase you're looking for

Why? The ex has asked for an extra night with his children. It is him who needs to be saying thank you.

Flowerpot2005 · 15/10/2018 22:12

It's a ruddy tough time when an ex's new partner offers to look after your kids!

I'd be grateful that she's making an effort because you know then you're children won't feel unwelcome when visiting their dad. My ex's partner deliberately ignored my DC & that really hurts.
you're mum & nothing will ever change it. Your little ones will be thrilled to see you when they get home.
Her offer/effort is allowing you some free time, try to enjoy it.
Going forward, it's always good to know you can work with the partner, emergencies & situations happen & those aren't times when you need to be worrying about the partners ability to care for your children etc.

She sounds like she's making an effort, as tough as it is, give it a try too x

Bobbybear10 · 15/10/2018 22:17

If you want to spend the time with your kids then do so, tell ex it’s not happening.

Just remember if you do that he also has a right to not be flexible for you.

I can assure you that you might think your DC are the most amazing little darlings that ever walked the earth but it really is only you that feels that way, I’m sure ex’s partner has absolutely no desire to ‘play’ mummy with another woman’s children! Honestly other people’s kids just aren’t all that.

ThorsMistress · 15/10/2018 22:25

Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest and it doesn’t.

ExDP has DS every weekend. He works nights so isn’t always around the weekend. So his wife looks after DS. I get messages and the odd picture of him having the time of his life!

I think it’s important they get that time

Powerless · 15/10/2018 23:00

Unless she is a mother herself then no I absolutely wouldn't allow it. Not with THREE kids and not with the youngest being only 2!
Think about it, going from not being a mother, to suddenly looking after 3 kids from 2yrs old? Nope! I'd be a nervous wreck worrying about my kids. Not a chance

Youseethethingis · 15/10/2018 23:04

I also think the answer lies in the question "how would I feel if this woman was a disinterested and cold influence in my kids lives and thought they were an inconvenience to be shooed away?".

I do think your feelings are natural though. It's a territorial thing for sure, very difficult to overcome but I am sure you will, for the sake of your babies

buscaution · 15/10/2018 23:10

This isn't someone new who doesn't know the children. They go EOW

Powerless · 15/10/2018 23:11

@buscaution And? Having them on your own is a totally different ball game!

Flipflop789 · 15/10/2018 23:12

What @owlettele said 100%
Tell him he can have the extra night if you want but you want them back in the morning to spend the day with you. Yanbu

buscaution · 15/10/2018 23:59

And? Having them on your own is a totally different ball game!

And?

Yes having them on your own is different. But these kids stay with this person and her partner EOW. It's highly likely she has been alone with them. It's also very likely that she knows them in terms of managing them.

You make it sound as if this person is meeting the kids and being left alone with them on day one. She is already part of their family.

Kattyy · 16/10/2018 00:02

They've only been together a year. I guess under the circumstances I'd feel a bit unsure as well. Have you spent any time with her at all?

curious2 · 16/10/2018 04:32

She is already part of their family.

I would say that she is their Dad’s partner, and may or may not remain that long term.

OP - why didn’t you just say that this arrangement doesn’t suit you? I can understand the extra night with their Daddy - beyond that, unless you were unavailable, this is unnecessary. Why has he set this up?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/10/2018 04:39

Organise a day out for yourself and enjoy some me time.

You've said they've been together for over a year and live together so it's not like he's allowing them to go off with a complete stranger.

This so the thing with step families though I'm afraid, you have to come to terms with the fact that as a good step-mum, she will take an active, caring role when the children are with them and that there are times when she is looking after them solo.

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