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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be annoyed with dp

138 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 15:14

I'm on mat leave baby is three months. Dp went working away and spent 150 quid on some items (books) to do with his hobby. We are about to move house and he told me he might not be able to afford to paint the children's (my step children's ) rooms as he's short on funds and he also pulled a face about paying half for ds baby swimming lessons at 75 quid each. The DSC also need new winter clothes IE hoddies and jeans and trainers. I'm so pissed off, I never spend money on myself at the momment as it's going towards our house move and Christmas etc or baby.
I get that's it's his hobby but surely if money is short then the kids are the priority?

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 17/10/2018 13:22

While I agree baby swimming lessons are a total rip off and if money is tight you shouldn't be paying for them... I also agree that he is being very selfish. You are however enabling this.

Therealjudgejudy · 17/10/2018 13:24

How can you find such a selfish man child attractive? Especially one who is totally taking advantage of You? Yuck

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 13:26

How do you still enabling this then? I've tried talking to him but it falls on deaf ears

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 13:26

Stop not still ..I hate my phone!

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 13:28

There's no way I would buy a house with this man. Whatever you do, do not pack in FT work to be a SAHP to this unmarried partner who's also a selfish manchild.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 17/10/2018 13:31

Well on balance he probably doesnt think you need to be spunking £600 a year on swimming lessons.

I agree he.should be prioritising clothes, but id let his dc shame.him on that one.

MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2018 13:31

You are enabling him by continuing with this situation. You can talk till you are blue in the face. If he doesn't want to change he wont.

You can change the dynamic by not paying for everything. That might shock him into shaping up. Or not. Or you can cit your losses and get rid.

MsPavlichenko · 17/10/2018 13:34

Cut your losses.

ChocoPoppy · 17/10/2018 13:50

I would be inclined to tell your DP to take his Lego and build himself whatever type of home he wants out of it OP, far away from you and your dc.

Please take a step back and think long and hard about going ahead with the purchase of this house. You are providing for his DC when he won't as Lego is more important than clothing. He is using your kindness towards the dsc to avoid his own financial responsibilities to them. He is now demanding a "play room" in the house for his toys as well as having a garage and office space to run his business from. How would he cope without those? Can he afford to rent units somewhere to run his business from, because without you and your financial support that is what he would have to do, for someone who is self employed he seems very reckless with money and I would worry as soon as you are moved in his business will "fail", leaving you solely responsible for everything while he plays tiddly winks.

heidithebogey2 · 17/10/2018 13:58

Thanks for your input on waterbabies! We're doing the cheapo council lessons and she does enjoy being in the water, but I think we'll stay on the waiting list for the fancy classes in the hope of actually learning some things!

Also your DP is a twat.

Cornishclio · 17/10/2018 14:10

Ok so you split childcare for your son and costs of running the house, food etc 50%? Will you have a mortgage and will he be contributing to that? Will he hold any financial interest in the property?

The downsides for you are that you are buying a bigger house than you need due to having to provide space for your DP who seems to be putting little in and your DSC who are not your responsibility. So the costs for you are disproportionate to your responsibilities which really should be just yourself and half for your DS. Your DP should be paying for himself and half of DS plus all costs pertaining to DSC. That should be sorted with ex and leave you out including clothes, swimming lessons.

The downsides for him depends on whether he is contributing to the mortgage as he is paying towards an asset he will never own. However he needs a roof over his head and if you did not have the house he would need to pay rent.

How you move forward depends on how you see your future. At the moment he sounds self absorbed and selfish and you have taken on a lot with the DSC who are with you 50% of the time and providing the house and all the costs. Is he an engaged father with your DS and DSC or are you the one sorting out feeding them, getting them to school, looking after DS? If you are giving more than 50% emotionally and practically as well as financially he is being very unfair and you are being taken advantage of.think very hard before tying your life to this man. How have you been managing financially on maternity leave? Have you still had to pay 50/5O on a reduced income! This may indicate whether he sees you as a team. Does he help with the baby?

I would make him rent business premises for his work. Is he solvent or is the business in difficulties?

user1467718508 · 17/10/2018 14:12

Please don't give in on the living room/Lego den. What a man child 😡

I'd be seriously considering whether to continue a relationship with someone who prioritises himself like this.



sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 17/10/2018 14:41

You're not married to this man, I wouldn't be tying myself up financially with a huge mortgage for a man who can't treat his own children properly and expects you to let him have whatever space he wants, in YOUR house that you're buying alone. Since you're not married, his other children are NOT your responsibility. It's very nice of you to want to give and do stuff, but they are soley his responsibility until such time as you get married. Don't marry him, he's a cocklodger of the highest order.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 17/10/2018 14:42

Also, if he's having his other kids 50% of the time, does he even have to pay CM to his ex? Nevermind paying more than the amount expected.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 14:50

No he shouldn't be paying anything, CMS calculated the amount as zero (letter seen) but he insists on paying as if he doesn't his ex stops contact with them ( the joys of a messy divorce around 6 years ago, long long before I was around). I've asked him to not pay and he won't, but he is allegedly reducing payments. I've said he could reduce them and put different e in the money in a separate account just for use of the kids. This would mean no issues for clothes, trips etc and school holidays as money would be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 15:05

Btw dp does half washing and now all cooking/school runs and homework for the dsc. He also has ds on his own rarely and does baby things eg nappies, he does pull his weight around the house.

OP posts:
LeftRightCentre · 17/10/2018 15:35

No shit he does school runs and homework, they're his kids. Hmm I can see why his marriage broke down, silly manchild who puts fucking Lego before clothes for his own kids. It would be extremely financially foolish to tether yourself to this man with a mortgage.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 17/10/2018 15:42

I'd kick the fuck off. What a selfish arse. I'd be reading the riot act if this is how he wishes to proceed.

Cornishclio · 17/10/2018 15:43

I don't understand. If the CMS has assessed the award is nil and you have the DSC half the week why does your ex care if his ex keeps in contact with the CMS? Just stop the support and put the money in a separate account for the kids as you suggest. You can use that for clothes, school trips and hobbies for kids as you should.

So it looks like your DP pulls his weight around the house but does not often look after the baby. Did you have to talk him into having one?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 15:47

No he did, I didn't really want kids ever but he was desperate for a baby. Baby was a bit of a suprise tbh but he's lovely now he's arrived obviously!

OP posts:
SoyDora · 17/10/2018 15:57

I don't understand. If the CMS has assessed the award is nil and you have the DSC half the week why does your ex care if his ex keeps in contact with the CMS?

I assume the OP meant that the ex stops contact with the children if he doesn’t pay. Not with the CMS.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 16:07

Soydora- yes. Plus a lot of abuse etc

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/10/2018 16:22

He doesn't want to understand because it doesn't suit his purpose!

I think you need to calculate the new living costs then sit him down and and tell him how much he will be paying. Yes, tell. Just as I'd tell anyone who was moving into my home what their share of HH expenses would be. If he wants the adult lounge as his own playroom, then tell him that will be $XX more per month for 'exclusive use', just as someone might pay more for the biggest bedroom or the one with an en suite in a house share.

And I wouldn't include any of the DSC's expenses in that, just the basic costs for running the house. He needs to start assuming responsibility for his children. And how he does that is not your concern other than if he tries to shortchange your mutual child.

Honestly, you've let him get away with murder. I understand that it's been out of a loving heart and wanting to care for your DSC and that's lovely. But he is NOT reciprocating in any way. In fact he's asking for more and more for himself.

Cornishclio · 17/10/2018 17:01

I assume the OP meant that the ex stops contact with the children if he doesn’t pay. Not with the CMS.

can she do that if they have shared custody? Those poor kids. Manipulative mother and selfish dad

SoyDora · 17/10/2018 17:03

It depends whether the shared contact is court ordered or agreed between them I think.

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