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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with dp

138 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 15:14

I'm on mat leave baby is three months. Dp went working away and spent 150 quid on some items (books) to do with his hobby. We are about to move house and he told me he might not be able to afford to paint the children's (my step children's ) rooms as he's short on funds and he also pulled a face about paying half for ds baby swimming lessons at 75 quid each. The DSC also need new winter clothes IE hoddies and jeans and trainers. I'm so pissed off, I never spend money on myself at the momment as it's going towards our house move and Christmas etc or baby.
I get that's it's his hobby but surely if money is short then the kids are the priority?

OP posts:
TulipsInBloom1 · 14/10/2018 16:14

That is an absoloutley insane amount of money for baby swimming. Itd cost you and baby about 4quid a time to swim together. You could go 3 times a week and still save money.

Wildheartsease · 14/10/2018 16:17

It sounds as if you need to discuss needs and priorities.

Agreeing how you should budget - for children/decorating/hobbies is important.

It avoids the present miserable choices of
Secret guilt over buying of things for yourself .
v
Sacrificing all your own wants and needs on the altar of 'for the children/house' .

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/10/2018 16:17

The thread is about the husband spending money on himself while saying he can't afford things for the kids, and not wanting to contribute to anything for his youngest kid. Not whether baby swimming lessons are a waste of time or not! (I'm going to be a hypocrite anyway and say that a lot of people won't have a clue what to do with a very small baby in a swimming pool - how to hold them safely so that they can still have their arms and legs free and how to safely dunk them underwater etc so personally I think at least one term is a good idea. I don't think they are any more of a waste than any other baby group, which are in general there to get the parents out of the house as much as benefit the baby)

Butterymuffin · 14/10/2018 16:20

swimming lessons for babies at £150 a term are totally unnecessary

So are £150 (or more) of books for someone's hobby. OP said she isn't spending anything on herself atm so as to save money. Shame he isn't so mature.

OP, I would be cross about this - particularly over not having money to paint the kids' rooms as that is a pain to put off. I would talk to him about working out a budget for spending on the kids, fun spending on him, fun spending on you. And if one amount has to come down because money is tight.. so do the others. It sounds like he sees spending on stuff he wants as being above the rules for everyone else and I wouldn't like that.

TooManyPaws · 14/10/2018 16:21

Don't worry so much about baby swimming classes - just get baby in the water. I can't remember learning to swim but Mum told me that I was in the water from 3 months old. I did have swimming lessons later at 5+ but I was already like a fish in the water, including underwater.

It's more concerning that he has prioritised his hobbies over the children,especially when money is tight.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 16:23

Another example us 200 quid last month on a Lego set for him as he wanted it.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 14/10/2018 16:25

The swimming lessons aren't the point. If he agreed he shouldnt be backtracking now.

Can you imagine if this was the other way round and op was spending money on everything but the baby and step kids she'd get a right roasting.

But clearly a mans hobby is more important than the welfare of his children.

Bluelady · 14/10/2018 16:29

OP, you talk about family money so how come he has access to this money and you don't? MN wisdom is pooling all the money, allocating all necessary household expenses and then splitting the rest between the two of you. If this isn't happening, it isn't family money, it's your and his.

simonisnotme · 14/10/2018 16:35

if you go swimming as a family then the baby does not need separate lessons , you are your babies swimming teacher

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 16:41

Apparently I shouldn't pay for swimming n he can do what he wants. Brilliant.
Sorry but that hardly was the point of the post.
I'm cancelling the dsd swimming, he can pay. It will save me a lot a month and means I can pay for babys stuff myself

OP posts:
Antigon · 14/10/2018 16:41

No criticism of DP spending £150 on books or £200 on Lego, but OP, who buys nothing for herself, is begrudged £150 for 3 months of baby sensory classes.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 16:43

In regard to room decorating...I wouldn't be happy with D's room and mine being newly painted and nice but DSC having older not painted rooms. That isn't fair on them.

OP posts:
taxingtimes · 14/10/2018 16:44

Why are people getting hung up on this being about the cost of swimming lessons when the issue is that the dp is a selfish arse!

MortyVicar · 14/10/2018 16:52

Ignore the posters telling you that the swimming lessons are a waste of money. They'll give your baby a skill that will be useful and fun for the rest of his life.

You pay everything for your DS? And he spends it on go-karting, Lego and books? You referred earlier to family money - is it family money he's spending or his own? If it's his own, then leave him to worry about his children's rooms and their clothes. It's obvious that you love and care for them and don't want to see them go without, but if you keep subbing him he'll keep spending.

If it's family money, I'd go apeshit.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 16:57

Montyvicar - it's his money. Our joint money is on bills only but I see our joint child's costs as a bill eg clothes, food etc and he doesn't seem to. I do leave him to it but they need winter clothes and I hate seeing them go without as it isn't fair. But I'm not buying their clothes again for them when dp wastes money ( it would be entirely different if he had none and needed me to help). Same for their rooms. Makes me sad though

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 14/10/2018 17:01

I love that people are nitpicking over the swimming lessons. Fwiw OP i agree with you, i think they're a brilliant idea.

The issue is DP being a selfish arse & prioritising his own wants over the family's needs. And i would 100% call clothing a need...as i would making the bedroom nice for DSC. Especially if you have had the other rooms done...not having their room decorated will potentially leave DSC feeling left out.

£150 on books...why?! DP is into several hobbies atm that require different books...he finds the damn things second hand for peanuts or he goes without. We have better things to be spending money on!!

Sounds a bit of a selfish prick tbh. Bet if you stop contributing he will moan...

Bluelady · 14/10/2018 17:06

All the children's expenses are a bill. Sorry to keep on but the money left over after all essentials are paid should be split equally. He should only have half of it for his personal expenditure. You don't seem to have a family money set up.

DaisyLand · 14/10/2018 17:07

Im spending that amount on swimming lessons on my baby. And it’s money well spent. I’d not have the confidence of submerging him without a teacher by me. It’s not about teaching them to swim. It’s about teaching them how to survive in the event of falling into some water that could be a threaten to Them. Each family spends their money as they please. If for you it’s not important fair enough but for op it’s and clearly it’s sometjing to prioritise for.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2018 17:17

So the bone of contention is money spent on the DC/DSC? Then I'd sit him down and tell him that you are no longer going to pay for their expenses yourself. That from now on he'll need to cough up half for your son and at least that much for the DSC. And then stick to it.

BTW my DS1 had swim lessons at 7 months. Didn't do a damned thing as far as water safety goes. Sure, he learnt to bob underwater and float about but he certainly would NOT have been able to 'save himself' if he'd fallen in. I did it because it was fun for us, not to make him 'water safe' and at 7 months he wouldn't have understood the concept of 'confidence'. He was a baby, fgs!

FrogFairy · 14/10/2018 17:19

He needs to give his selfish head a wobble. A fully grown adult should not need telling that keeping a roof over your head and everyone fed and clothed is a priority.

Treats, activities and hobbies are not essential but nice to have as and when you can afford them.

DaisyLand · 16/10/2018 16:23

For those saying swimming lessons aren’t needdd for babies. This is the main reason why I think they do
finsandgoggles.com/2017/06/19/myths-about-drowning/

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/10/2018 18:02

Thanks - I have no intention to stop swimmin.
We discussed wider finances etc, n I think we may be getting somewhere

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 16/10/2018 18:49

If he doesn't see the cost of his kids' winter clothes as something he is jointly responsible for, I would seriously be flogging his precious books and Lego to put back towards those costs. Or possibly taking them to the tip depending on my level of rage, which would be either very high or extremely high. How dare he think that you pay for the kids and his money is for his own fun stuff? I hope that's something he's now rethinking.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/10/2018 20:33

Gets more interesting, we are moving house to somewhere bigger. I'm funding all of the legal costs and deposit due to his financial circs but house will be solely mine . Need four bedrooms due to his three and our joint one child.
House has large garage and office outside for him to run Hsi busienss from.as WFH self employed.hiuse also has two sitting rooms, one as a family room and one for a more adult sitting room (peace and quiet room) which is much smaller. He now wants that room for his stuff (Lego plus hobby and computer) as he needs it and he has no space in house for him.
Wtf, I mean three bedrooms are for his kids and a while two car garage and office outside. How much more accomadate get can I be?
I dunno maybe I'm being an arse but we agreed all of this when offer was put in and we move in two weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 16/10/2018 20:33

Sorry for the typos

OP posts: