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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with dp

138 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2018 15:14

I'm on mat leave baby is three months. Dp went working away and spent 150 quid on some items (books) to do with his hobby. We are about to move house and he told me he might not be able to afford to paint the children's (my step children's ) rooms as he's short on funds and he also pulled a face about paying half for ds baby swimming lessons at 75 quid each. The DSC also need new winter clothes IE hoddies and jeans and trainers. I'm so pissed off, I never spend money on myself at the momment as it's going towards our house move and Christmas etc or baby.
I get that's it's his hobby but surely if money is short then the kids are the priority?

OP posts:
Antigon · 16/10/2018 23:43

OP, he's taking the piss. Please put your foot down and say it's not happening.

Have you paid the deposit and legal costs? You're paying all these costs while he's pissing money away on books and lego! He sounds like a cocklodger.

How do you split rent, bills, food shoppng etc?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 02:29

Rent food and bills are 50:50.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 17/10/2018 03:54

Just tell him no. He already has his space. It's called his office and garage. Tell him the adult lounge is your space.

Can you afford this house on your own? You may just want to think about that because he's not sounding like a keeper to me.

augustboymummy17 · 17/10/2018 03:59

Check your local leisure centre for swimming lessons I've been taking my baby since 2 months and it's 22 pound per month and the pool is warm Grin I agree swimming is important but 150 pm is outrageous my partner is similar to yours he will spend loads of money on my dsd but doesn't feel things are necessary for my ds yet e.g his music clubs but because I really want him to do them I pay I just add on small bits for other stuff he has to pay 😂😂 xxx

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 04:17

Yes but just, I could buy outright with no morgage if buying on my own as would need a much much smaller house ( 1 child not 4 )

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 04:20

Augustboymummy- how do you feel about him not paying half for stuff for the baby? In my case I also mean clothes as ds is a weed and in much bigger sizes than he should be!
Yeah we swim ontop of lessons at the pool and ds loves it so far. It's our choice to pay but I think they are important and ds loves them.

OP posts:
CommanderDaisy · 17/10/2018 04:31

All things aside you are not BU thinking he is a selfish twunt. Because he is.

I realise you feel for his children missing out on things and have taken on the financial burden of paying for them as a result. But don't do this anymore, whether you feel sad about or not.
You have essentially freed up his funds , so he can spend it on shite that is now going to clutter up the space you need in your new house to get some downtime from all the kids I imagine you do most of the work for.
No more paying for his kids. At all.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Put the financial responsibility for HIS children back onto him right now.
And yes, he should be paying half of the babies expenses.

And the swimming lessons for your DS are a great idea btw.

blackcat86 · 17/10/2018 04:50

Baby swimming is important and the cost is about right so you have my support there OP. If you bought agreed upon essentials for his kids would he pay you back? Has he done so in the past? Where is BM? My DH earns less than me but DSS often comes down with a list of things that BM allegedly can't afford despite being paid way over the odds in child support which should be covering it (basics like jeans and school shoes). If DH doesn't have the cash I'll pay for whatever it is but always make sure he pays me back and of course it's because I don't want to see him go without especially as I am also on mat leave with a baby. I may also have to go back early which I suspect is what BM wants. You have no parental responsibility for your step children so he should be funding clothes etc but you to do need to discuss expectations so you don't breed resentment between DSC and your DS. You are still a team rather than 2 completely separate entetied. Could you tell him you're unhappy and want to look at how finances are split?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 05:06

Thank you for your comments. His ex is paid over CMS in support but as we have them half the time she won't send clothes and demands extras eg school trips, clothes etc on top. He will pay me back but complains about it, as we bought clothes recently - yes but summer clothes and kids grow!. I have said that if he can't afford to buy clothes he shouldn't be paying more than he can afford in CMS as the kids don't understand and have needs.
I'm a bit sad tbh, I do love him and don't want to end up a single mom with a tiny baby but equally don't want to feel taken advantage of

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 17/10/2018 05:38

I think he’s taking advantage. Why are you paying all legal fees. He seems to think your made of money. It’s all ME ME ME with him isn’t it.
You’ve taken on his 3 children - is he showing any interest in the child you share together. You lend him money as he’s living beyond his means then he has the F ing cheek to complain about this.
You now need to go back to work earlier than planned - no wonder your pissed off.
I’d seriously re think things here.

toherdoor · 17/10/2018 05:43

Christ of course kids need swimming lessons. Someone has their priorities straight and it's not him. That's besides the point anyway.

He should absolutely be paying half for the baby op, completely absurd that he's not.

I would quite honestly leave him and buy a place of my own. He has no interest in supporting your life together if he's pissing money on Lego. I couldn't be with someone who wasted money like that while watching me cover all costs for our children. It's infantile and a massive turn off, I'd have no respect for him.

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 05:46

What's a 3m old going to learn in £150 classes that it won't learn by going swimming normally? Genuine question.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 05:54

Eliza- they do underwater swimming, learn to hold their breath and they teach them to turn if they fall in water and hold onto the side. It's quite amazing really and they get confidence plus I get confidence to handle him safley in water

OP posts:
Bumdishcloths · 17/10/2018 06:11

This whole post has really made me cross. It's not about the swimming lessons ffs! (Which ARE important btw)). It's about a man unwilling to meet his children's needs while pissing money away on unnecessary shite!!

Clandestino · 17/10/2018 06:12

I am afraid that he's taking you for a ride. You're financially responsible, you have a chance at a bigger house while he has all the hobbies and fun.
You're better off as a single Mum than someone who is responsible for stepkids snd one overgrown toddler.

Laureline · 17/10/2018 06:24

I couldn’t be with someone who sees a Lego set as more important than winter clothing for his children.

Eliza9917 · 17/10/2018 06:34

Eliza- they do underwater swimming, learn to hold their breath and they teach them to turn if they fall in water and hold onto the side. It's quite amazing really and they get confidence plus I get confidence to handle him safley in water

They get 3m olds turning & holding on to the side?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 06:37

He will be more like four and half months or five by the time he manages it but yep thats the long term aim. Same as holding breath on command

OP posts:
longwayoff · 17/10/2018 07:13

Maybe he views your insistence on swimming lessons for a 3 month old in the same way as you view his hobby, as an unnecessary indulgence.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 07:18

Are clothes too? If he has spare money it's his to spend but after costs are met. I see go karting for DSC as an unessisary indulgence but I'd never question his right to spend money on the kids on something they enjoy doing. But you have to provide basics first which include clothes and food. Plus if he agreed then he can hardly back out after I've already paid it.

OP posts:
Notamorningperson84 · 17/10/2018 07:33

Every update this bloke sounds more and more like a selfish man child.

Whatever you do OP please never marry this man! You seem like a nice person and a good stepmum. I think at some you'll have had enough of his shit, it'd be a shame if you ended up giving him half of your house.

toherdoor · 17/10/2018 07:33

Op just ignore the people going on about swimming lessons being an indulgence or unimportant. They are being deliberately obtuse.
You don't need to justify it, if they'd ever seen how quickly and quietly children drown they'd know how important it is.

heidithebogey2 · 17/10/2018 07:39

Slightly off-topic OP, but are you doing puddleducks or waterbabies? Is it worth it? I looked at them for my little one but there's waiting lists in my area!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 17/10/2018 07:53

Water babies but my friend works for puddleducks - no spaces though. Yes it is totally worth it , ds loves his lessons and it's given me confidence with him in the water.

OP posts:
sahknowme · 17/10/2018 07:58

Also great to have something to tire your child out. Half the battle with our boy is making sure he gets an outlet for his energy. He gets a great sleep after his lesson.