To feel really bloody cheated that ds has to be home educated?

[witchesbroth]

Ds8 has HFA, sensory issues, anxiety - all of which results in exploding behaviour and exclusions from school. His self esteem and confidence is very low, he has no friends and has been made to be away from the class with a TA for so long now. We've been fighting the system for over a year for all the relevant assessments, help, EHCP but it's all come too little too late. The school placement has broken down and he's at home with no school to go to. He's under the LEA still but apart from another mainstream support (rinse and repeat) or a school for mod-severe LD (he's profoundly academically gifted).

He wants to be at school - he can't. There's none for him
He wants friends - he's got none
He wants to be part of shared experiences at school - residential, projects, discos, trips - he can't
He wanted to go to the grammar school for secondary -no idea....they don't like EHCPs apparently

Instead he's at home. Alone. Learning off websites and feeling shit about himself.

What I'm most annoyed about is how the system has let him down. If the help, support and funding went in when he first went into crisis, we wouldn't be in this mess but he was left to get worse and worse.

Queen streaky - exactly, I would call being unable to cope in primary school quite significant functional impairment, regardless of the child’s reading age etc

HFA isn’t a medical term, it’s sinply developed to explain why some people are diagnosed late, or seem to cope when others don’t.

So I wouldn’t call someone with an advanced understanding of maths but who is unable to live independently or work high functioning.

But I would call someone who did okish in exams, struggled socially a bit in their teens but managed to get a job, get married and work high functioning. Because they are functioning to a high level in society.

Spot on, Lethal!

Does anyone have reccomendations for secondary provision Bristol and surrounds? My son is HFA, capable of achieving high grades but socially/emotionally very vulnerable. I am petrified for him and his mental health :(

Lethal

You sound like these children are written off at primary school. Whose to say a child who can't manage in a busy primary school wont go on to get married and get a job and live independently?

Ds struggles in a busy, loud class with too many children and not enough adults (all down to funding cuts) with too much crap on the walls to appease ofsted and not enough outside space as it was sold off and teachers who don't have training (again, money). If schools had less children per class, less busy rooms, more space to breathe and more adults (basically more money and resources) all children, included those like ds would cope so much better.

Outside of school ds can attend clubs and participate independently, talk well with older children and adults in a way that you wouldn't realise he had difficulties at school, he can make a simple breakfast and lunch, tidy up after himself without prompting, wash and dress himself, bake with adult help, go to a shop and do a small shop with an adult and pay etc.

He just can't cope with the school environment as it is set up in this day and age.

And by that I mean - he's 8 and has pretty good 'like skills'.

If schools had less children per class, less busy rooms, more space to breathe and more adults (basically more money and resources) all children, included those like ds would cope so much better.

This with bells on.

My son is in an open plan teaching Bay of 60 odd kids. No wonder he can’t cope.

Make sure you ask in any local support groups about what's available. Often theyre more helpful than professionals, we unearthed schools we didnt know existed.

This is one in our area, another one has only 14 pupils. It was parents doing their own digging that got their child into the right setting. witherslackgroup.co.uk/oversands-school/

In your shoes I would try the special School offered, you can request further work or hire a tutor if you feel he isn't being being academically challenged enough.

60+ kids? That sounds awful for NT children, let alone children with SEN.
Witchesbrew have you used sensory circuits? My son’s school use these to good effect. He also has a tailored curriculum because he can only cope with 15 minutes if learning at a time (sensory overload plus ADHD). His TA will take him somewhere else when it gets too much for him (usually the library or reading area) and they do activities recommended by the OT for 5 minutes or so and then go back into the classroom. He also has a separate table in the classroom he uses when sitting with the other children gets too much. There are some really simple things schools can do to help our children cope with being in the classroom, but so many of them just don’t/won’t do them. It makes me so angry.

Witchesbroth- I'm in Devon and it totally sucks. Ds is 13 and after a year out of education/part of it in hospital due to mental health and autism he has just gone back to his mainstream school very part time because their are no other options that are suitable for him. His team have said if this doesn't work we will have to look at specialist boarding schools out of county.
Feel free to message me because although none of the options quite work for ds we did a lot of research and I'm happy to suggest some places that might work for you.

Wonky - there isn't a SS offered to him. And ever if there was, why the hell should he have to go to a school that doesn't meet his needs and we pay for a tutor??

It's this whole apathetic 'just make do with the least worse option' that makes me so angry about the system. You wouldn't expect a child without hFA to go to a MLD / SLD school if they didn't have LD so why should mine!

I'll pm some people in the area later when I'm on the desktop - thank you for the offers x

Witches our LA have named a school for MLD and SLD for my daughter with ASD whose IQ is in the superior range. It's completely bizarre. They accept the school can't provide her with an education and so are willing to fund tutors to go into the school to teach her 1 to 1. The school admit they don't have a peer group for her and so their idea is to import a peer group from the mainstream school that shares the site x times per week.
How can a school be considered to meet needs when they can't provide and education or a peer group? Oh and incidentally the school would also need to buy in SALT and OT services as well ffs!

Heartbreaking to hear about your DS situation, [hug]
However, having had my share of desperate times with two autistic DC, I would say that you need to stabilise your whole family situation. The idea that you are to embark on home ed against your instinct, in financially unstable set up, partner not able to work, selling the house, is not going to help your DS at all, your MH is going to suffer and your ability to carry the whole family with it. I never considered home education for my sanity. If you don't feel you can embrace it, it is probably a bad idea. If you can't cope delivering home education, things will deteriorate rather than get better. I think you need serious support and advice.

I had to reconsider all my 'red lines'. The ideal situation just does not exist, you need to play with the boundaries (those red ones).

As a speculative long shot, if there is no school currently that can meet his needs, try to 'create' such a school place. I don't necessarily mean for form a free school, although it could be an option. I mean talk to various potentially partially suitable schools and figure out what extras they need to meet your DS needs. Then fight to get that. I feel somehow that you need a sympathetic mainstream school that could build the suitable support around your DS.

My DS went to grammar school and it was a success. They didn't exactly wait for us with open arms, but I talked to them and they built nice provisions around DS, so it worked very well. Your DS being gifted is a huge asset, he is lucky. The worst situation is for DC on the spectrum who are average - nobody cares at all, nobody has a stake in pulling up their attainment, they just cascade down to the bottom set and are left there. In your case they can't discard your DS. Find people who want to grab that. In my experience and from what I read on MN a few times, selective schools are actually more accommodating to ASD. Because once the selection test is passed, they accept your DS is bright, it is in their values to nurture bright kids, for them he is 'deserving', and all they need to do is to put in place provisions that work. Grammars have fewer DC with EHCPs, so they can and do give them more attention. Often those school are quite competent, so they can turn their competence to meeting your your DS needs, a new challenge. In my experience, grammars actually want to make it work. You have the problem of explosive behaviour though, and I don't have any experience with that. I suspect private mainstream schools would opt out.

You also need to create a suitable culture at school, accommodating, anti bullying, pro social support, where patient peers would act inclusively. My DS's school organised buddies and 'friends' for him. So he felt he had people to talk to.

My understanding is that with anxiety and challenging behaviours DC cascade in quite difficult specialist placements with eye watering fees. So your LA should have an incentive to make it work.

@disappointed101 I’d look at Fosse Way School in Radstock (c30 mins from central Bristol) or the Mendip School near Shepton Mallet (c45/50 mins), they are free schools, go up to 19, and have links with other (mainstream) colleges. I haven’t experienced them personally/directly but they are highly regarded locally.

I'd echo cakesandtea. I've worked in a grammar that had almost no SEN pupils except HFA, and it had a fair number of those (naturally, since it often goes with high IQ). Classes were smaller (slightly!) and so many of the pupils had ASD traits even if not the full diagnosis, that the HFA pupils were just accepted. And everyone chatted about chess and coding. Lots. If you live in an area without grammars, a selective private school with small classes, a good SEN and either bursaries or LEA funding might be worth looking into? It's really rubbish that there's nowhere for these kids. Having worked with them for several years they really just need the right environment to thrive.

As soon as OP said Devon - I completely understood. Not a lot of SS provision here and definately not in the North.

I had to move away when DS was 8 - 200+ miles; more 'fighting, no school, failed placement, no school, then Indie SS.

The Indie SS came with certain 'viewpoints' that I didn't agree with but that was the compromise. It worked after a few years - so back to Devon -- more no school, PRU then the MS Free School (that was my objective), lots of dicking around, GCSEs taken, DS now in College doing a Level3 Btec in a subject of his choice.

I, of course, have hardly any life left - sacrificed it all on the pyre of making sure DS made it through.

And now we've made it through - amongst the 'shock' of it all I can't help but think how unnecessary it all was. If that HT that first cast and oversaw my ds's difficulties had approached it the same way as what eventually happened with his own dcs - we wouldn't have had to move around at all. According to this HT my son didn't have ASD but his behaviour was a product of his upbringing (?!?!)

The HT that told my son age 6 ) that "if he doesn't behave he will go to a school that he couldn't go home from".

This HT is now a Lead SEND Inspector for Ofsted.

I await his massive apology.....if he ever can face what he did to us.

Oh God I feel for you. My dd15 has been home since September, she was badly assaulted in school, everyone joined the bullies, now at home with tutor but so so lonely, I’m bloody angry that the child that attacked, stamped on her head, kicked her, is still in school and got behavioural therapy, my dd got 2 visits to A& E!!
Going for appeal for school she wants under health reasons also in process of EHCP, all she wants is to be at school with friends
I know it’s not everything but what about her leavers prom, it’s all so unfair
I have her signed off sick, her school want me to say I’m home ed her, mmmmmm I bet they do, I’m messing up theit tables

I faced a similar dilemma.

I went with the special option. His academic side isn’t being stretched, but by heck is he a happier child.

Exams can be taken any time, academia can be a lifelong journey, but I decided that here and now he needed to be in an environment that understood his ASD and would help him learn to be a more functional human.

Fingers crossed I’ve made the right choice.

Good luck with your searching. I hope you find the balance you need.

My high functioning son with ASD was explosive in high school but was able to stay because an amazing TA (with two HF ASD sons of her own) was allowed a room in the SEN floor and when he was feeling unable to cope he could just go up there and study independently. No punishments and no retribution. Some lessons he did the whole year up there - History - because the teacher would make zero adjustments.

Some days I would drive him to school late - even lever him in with a Morrisons breakfast before, and he would spend the whole day up there. She had tea and biscuits and they helped themselves.

Sometimes it doesn't take much for a school to accomodate a student with significant social difficulties just some flexibility.

He did uni and now works full time for the SU implementing a wellbeing programme for managing the mental health of students.

We are also Devon.

Those that are in Devon, could you put some of the good and not so good schools you've seen or experienced? That would be really helpful. Or PM me...I can't quite work out how on here....!

witchesbroth I understand completely your situation.

My (academically able) DD (asd/PDA profile) could not cope with school from end of year 3. She is now 14.

Residential is not an option (agreed by all including psychiatrist and ed psych)
I won't give you our full history but we did not deregister her and she now is identified as requiring EOTAS education other than at school and has a personal budget.

She is desperately sad that she can't go to school but now understands it is simply an environment not suited to her.
My life has changed dramatically - I can't work and am a single parent....

Please pursue EOTAS and personal budget. If there was a suitable ss your L.A. would be paying 10s of thousands. That money should be used to provide a suitable education for your son.

It is heart breaking experiencing the breakdown of "normal" life and watching your child's peers continuing along a path that you assumed you would be sharing. It is really really hard and can feel incredibly isolating.

Online support has been invaluable to me. But the life saver has been the most wonderful tutor who supports DD so fantastically well.

Please pursue a personal budget. Good luck . You are doing a fantastic job!

I must admit, I was incredibly sympathetic until this post -

He either goes to a special school and sacrifices the learning and won't fulfil his potential and he will be bored and miserable to not be learning a mainstream curriculum and to be with peers who don't have the same level of intellect or he stays in mainstream and lives in the corridor never being included in case he kicks off in an anxious panic which leaves him depressed and suicidal at the isolation

It is a bit ridiculous as going by your claims of his intelligence, he will never be with peers 'with his intellect' as children his age generally are not capable of completing GCSEs I am unsure of his exact age as he has been 7 in one post and 8 in another, but either way I don't think you will find a class anywhere that mirrors his abilities, and it really shouldn't matter anyway...... That is what differentiation is for. I found your comment very hurtful to be honest, how you disregard the intellect of children in SS. I actually could have replied extremely helpfully had it not been for that comment. Good luck op, but I don't think you are ever going to find a school that meets all of your needs, like the rest of us you may have to just make do with what is available and help him lots at home to fulfil his potential.

Private

He turns 8 today. And as I've previously said - that is what the professionals have told us, not necessarily my opinion. I'm clueless.

If you can demonstrate that there is no suitable school then the LEA can fund EOTAS (Education Other Than At School). This is what we are putting in place for our highly intelligent ASD boy who also has dyslexia and SPD. We are having to fight for it though and will no doubt end up in a SEND Tribunal to get it granted by the LEA.

It is not ideal as he would also prefer to be able to' go to school and be normal but he can't because the environment induces overload and he has a strong fight or flight reflex.

The local special needs school would only allow him to do 5 GCSE s which is ridiculous. No one with a bright child should be expected to accept that that amounts to a suitable education.

Residential school is simply not an option for me. I'm not sending my 12 year old away.

OP unless and until schools are opened to address this then there are going to be many of us in the same position.

Privatedoor I take you point to a point but my child (I admit I am not the OP) is already working to grade C (level 4) in GCSE English and Maths at age 12 he would pass if he took them today.

The local special needs schools can't cater to this.

I don't intend to offend anyone in stating this, it is the truth.