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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you can afford a 'private' school in the UK but have chosen to send your child/children to a state school why?

999 replies

Foreverexhausted · 13/10/2018 15:11

My three year old DD has just started a nursery attached to a fee paying school. I chose the nursery because it is by far the best nursery in the area but unfortunately we can't afford to send her to the school itself as fees are £15k per year per child and we have two children.

We have friends who could afford private schooling but their children are in state schools and then others who can't afford it but are just scraping by because they like the status of children attending a private school.

OP posts:
BabiesOneSleepNone · 13/10/2018 20:50

We could afford private school but wouldn't send our DD because I just think that school is about so much more than just getting the best grades possible on paper. Being exposed to a broader range of people from different backgrounds and learning the social skills to get along with different people are just as important I think. At private school you're exposed to such a narrow view of life.

Shampoo0 · 13/10/2018 20:53

No job security? Our jobs can go tomorrow.

AlexaShutUp · 13/10/2018 21:02

I've not seen any mingling of the naice middle class kids, and those who've come from the less advantaged parts of the city.

How odd. My "naice middle class" daughter quite happily mixes with kids of all social classes and thinks absolutely nothing of this. Funnily enough, as it happens, she is on a sleepover tonight with one of her friends from the social housing in the most disadvantaged part of our town.

missyB1 · 13/10/2018 21:04

It also depends on what type of education you want for your dc as well. We chose private because they aren’t slaves to the national curriculum, state schools have to jump through too many Government hoops. The private school ds is at has much more flexibility and a much broader curriculum. They can change things at short notice of it suits, eg the weather was amazing the last couple of weeks and he spent lots of time in their Forest school or playing sport. In fact the amount of time they spend on outdoor activities is a major reason why he’s so happy there.
To me it isn’t so much about academic results, it’s about what’s on offer, how it suits ds, and how he enjoys school. I don’t care what he ends up earning as an adult as long as he’s happy.

PumpkinSpicy · 13/10/2018 21:12
  • Because private schools aren't fair.
  • Because our local state school outperforms the indies.
  • Because we can comfortably pour that disposable income into life enriching experiences, world travel and extra curricular activities to our heart's desire.
  • Because one of the DC has ASD and the local Primary is absolutely fantastic dealing with it
  • Because we value the exposure to diversity our state school offers

I say all this as a former day girl at a boarding school, who actually had a very good experience, so I don't think I'm particularly biased.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 21:26

Because private schools aren't fair.

Life isn't fair...

kaytee87 · 13/10/2018 21:31

My DS isn't school aged yet but he will go to our local primary and secondary because they are excellent schools and we'd rather keep the money for family holidays and saving towards his future. Plus I'm not sure if it would definitely be financially sustainable to send 2 children for their whole schooling (thinking of trying for another soon) and wouldn't want to have to move them at any point. I know my mother would pay but I wouldn't want her to.

Strongmummy · 13/10/2018 21:33

@make and because of that we should strive to make it fairer

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 21:34

Strongmummy so in the same vein I assume you take in homeless people or give half your income to charity or something equally ludicrous to 'make life fairer'. You cannot use this 'fair' arguement unless you dom

drspouse · 13/10/2018 21:36

We'd have to make massive cutbacks (no holidays our new clothes and more)
The only one anywhere near is a Steiner school and I don't like the ethos.
The others are at least 40 mins away and are very academic and our DS has SEN.

Whatdoyouknow2 · 13/10/2018 21:39

If we were extremely wealthy and had ample spare cash private schooling would never be something to cross my mind.
I genuinely believe that if a child has the ability then they will do well regardless.

TwigTheWonderKid · 13/10/2018 21:46

Life isn't fair...

Yes, but it could be a whole lot fairer. Which is why giving all children an equal chance at education is so important.

LittleRedYoshi · 13/10/2018 21:48

Because when I got to University, I could spot the kids from private school backgrounds a mile off - and not in a good way. Giving my children a good education is important, but it's not worth the cost of negative changes to their personality.

buckeejit · 13/10/2018 21:49

Ours are state. Not that many nearby private options in NI, but pretty much all the schools are great & a good grammar school half a mile down the road which hopefully they'll go to. If not, easy enough to travel to other schools & I think the main benefit children can have is encouraging & helpful parents. Having said that if I thought dc would dramatically benefit & enrich their lives going private, we'd try everything to do it. Fil would help & that's realistically the only way we could manage it right now.

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 21:57

Twigthewonderkid but surely this doesn't just apply to education? I assume you don't pay for any extracurricular activities for your kids that may further their overall growth or life experience because it wouldn't be 'fair' against other kids who can't experience them.

Whatdoyouknow2 · 13/10/2018 22:04

I always remember being at college and a few girls in one class were from private schools. Me and another girl (both from council estates and state schools) once said we were anti drug and we did a presentation about being so. One of the girls said 'well out of everybody in here I'd have thought u two would be the ones taking drugs'. We were both lost for words and I still wonder to this day how she didn't get smacked in the mouth.

This was also a girl who's diet consisted of chocolate and chips and she was very proud of this. I used to think well I might come from a council estate but at least my mam makes me good dinners and I eat vegetables.

I know this isn't what everyone's like before anyone starts but just thought it was a funny story to share. I always wonder how she turned out in the end coz she wasn't all that bright now I think back ...

mummabearfourbabybears · 13/10/2018 22:11

I chose not to send mine because we live fairly rurally in Scotland and the nearest one (and it's only senior school, no primary) is over an hour by bus or train each way. It's just far too far for them to travel daily and I do not want them to board.

Mumoftwinsandanother · 13/10/2018 22:12

I have 3 children, 2 in private primary (near the end) and 1 in state. Honestly I think my son is getting a much better all round experience in the state school. My daughters really suffer from the fact they don't know local children and also from the hw pressure although they are doing well academically. I would also say there is a much more elitist, unfriendly attitude in the private school. Both of my daughters have suffered occasionally from being ostracised whereas my son's school is friendly, dedicated to wiping out bullying and absolutely promote the idea of accepting difference. There is no way my daughters' school can say they accept difference when they quite clearly have a policy to prevent children with neurological difference from being admitted by using an admissions "taster" day. Sadly for them they decided not to admit my 3 year old son as he has ASD. He is the sweetest, most well-behaved boy who is doing very well at school (easy to teach in mainstream gets no specific adjustments and no extra funding - he has loads of friends at his state school who like the fact that he has a different brain/skills (very imaginative). My daughters have sadly never have the chance to attend school in a classroom other than with the white, over-privileged NT children they go to school with. This will be rectified in secondary school.

TwigTheWonderKid · 13/10/2018 22:13

MakeAHouseAHome actually no, DS does do clubs at school but they are free.

carpettile · 13/10/2018 22:16

I went to a state school but could comfortable choose to let children attend a private school . I don’t because a lot of my peers at state school deposits all the 80s strikes have done very well. People I know that attended private school mostly didn’t realise their potential. There is also a lot of positive discrimination for unis etc for state schools .

MakeAHouseAHome · 13/10/2018 22:20

Twigthewonderkid. Fair enough. I hope you don't spend a penny on your children to advance them in anyway at all beyond what is provided for free, I mean some kids have nothing and that just wouldn't be 'fair' would it.

carpettile · 13/10/2018 22:20

I wanted to add that I think do what is best for you and your children. I don’t think there is a wrong answer.

Aroundtheworldandback · 13/10/2018 22:37

I also think it comes down to individual schools and even more importantly individual children. Ds went to a top independent, took away his confidence, couldn’t stand the pressure and retreated into the word of gaming. There were a couple of good state schools near us- easy to be clever afterwards though.

TidyLike · 13/10/2018 22:38

Because I don't want to teach my children that they can buy an advantage over other people

TwigTheWonderKid · 13/10/2018 22:39

MakeAHouseAHome we don't really spend anything on them to deliberately "advance" them, no, apart from buying them lots of books, which I guess might fall into that category but which, through the public library system, is something within the reach of anyone, regardless of income or background. We are also very aware that, as you say, some kids do indeed have very little and that is we why support our school's PFA in its fundraising efforts to ensure all the pupils at Ds's school have access to enrichment activities. Does that answer your question?