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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he or are we both to blame for our relationship issues?

89 replies

Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:03

Another blow up tonight...partner of 5ish years isn't happy. He feels lonely, unwanted and unloved. The spark for tonight was him thinking how attractive I looked in a new dress but feeling that as I was rushing around preparing dinner as we were due to go out to a charity do, he couldn't do anything. This made him feel unwanted.

I said isn't that just life? I work ft have adult/ young adult DC, my life especially at 6.30 is busy.

But clearly this isn't doing it for him.

I'm not sure how much more I can do. I am losing weight because I'd got fat and complacent. 7 weeks in and I've lost 25lb. I already look and feel better. But it's not enough.

He thinks I don't spend enough time at his house (he can't stay at mine). I stay there about 3 nights a fortnight. He works away 2 nights a week too. He has been through the mill over he last 5 years he was seriously ill (but is now in remission), his child very sadly lost their life in tragic circumstances. His family are small and 100s of miles away. Day to day he only has me, and I don't think I am offering him what he wants. I think he needs more of my time and attention than I can give.

I am not sure where to go from here if I'm honest.

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 12/10/2018 23:14

What does he mean by “he couldn’t do anything?”. Surely he could have helped you with preparing the meal? And if you were going out to a party together and you had made particular effort to dress up I find it hard to see how he would feel “lonely and unloved”.

He sounds very needy and insecure but as if he’s trying to put responsibility for this on you. Has he always been like this?

Do you have long term plans to move in together?

I don’t think YABU.

elephantoverthehill · 12/10/2018 23:16

IMO he is a bit of dick or man child. As far as I see you are doing everything, including losing weight, wearing a nice outfit and he feels unwanted. Jeez

NotANotMan · 12/10/2018 23:16

3 nights a fortnight isn't a lot to keep a relationship going tbh. Why can't he stay at yours?

Racontuer · 12/10/2018 23:17

He sounds insecure or possibly depressed as a result of the illness. Time for a calm chat about how you can reasonably resolve this. If he wants reassurance he has to specifically ask for what he needs (within reason) but also respect that it maybe have to be at another time. For instance, tell him you care about him, and want to help and reassure him but you need his help on what he needs. Is it a hug, is it words, is it intimacy and affection. He has to be self soothing and understand that time apart doesn't mean you don't care or don't think about him, it's just what it is. Healthy to have your own time and space. If he is still struggling maybe suggest GP appointment or therapy. Just my thoughts on it. Best wishes.

SuchAToDo · 12/10/2018 23:20

Why couldn't he do anything towards the preparation of the meal?..

Op could he be depressed? (His child dying, himself getting over being seriously ill, his family being 100's of miles away) that would be enough to get anybody down, and maybe he is clingy with you because he is afraid of losing another thing in his life ?(grasping at straws here)

Nettled · 12/10/2018 23:23

If his child died within the last five years, surely he’s still reeling with grief and shock?

Disquieted1 · 12/10/2018 23:24

There's never a way to properly answer these threads.
If he started this thread, what would his post have said?

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:34

He is almost certainly depressed but won't see a GP. He was under the crisis team earlier this year they discharged him telling him to see his dr, but he hasn't. The building he lives in was raided by the police, not his flat but it's made him feel very unhappy at home. I understand that but there's not much I can do to solve it.

I see him every evening except the night he's working away. I only stay with him 1-2 nights a week though. I think he would like me to stay more but it's difficult as I'm not just me, I have my kids to think about even though they're not children now.

As for tonight he said that he couldn't do anything about his feelings ie he didn't feel they are reciprocated, I am always busy, etc.

But as I said to him I was cooking dinner. That's the reality of life that there are things to do. He did help me with what I was doing (dishing up) but clearly would have preferred it if I was gazing at him in sultry fashion or whatever Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:37

We won't be living together til my children have left home so probably 3-5 years from now.

He would say he's unhappy, feels unwanted. That we have no intimacy, he has told me before this was an issue but I haven't changed anything. He doesn't see any future in a relationship where there is limited physical contact, where we don't spend enough quality time together, where I don't put him first enough.

Something like that.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 12/10/2018 23:45

I'm sorry if I sound out of order but it seems to me that because you put on a nice outfit he seems to think that = sex now.

Johnnyfinland · 12/10/2018 23:51

Has he met your kids? It does seem a bit odd that they’re young adults but you feel you need to be around for them that much, are they not independent? You’ve been together five years and he’s never stayed at yours, fair enough you don’t want to move him in but I can see why he feels a bit excluded. It doesn’t sound like the relationship has moved past the early dating stage. I’m getting the feeling you want to keep it more casual but he wants more, could it just be an incompatibility in expectations?

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:53

Elephant that's the thing. He says we aren't intimate enough, our sex life is non existent. Which is true. But he almost never makes the first move. I'm not constantly doing a 'sorry too tired/ headache' routine and fobbing him off. Yet despite that I'm in the wrong.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 12/10/2018 23:54

I still don't see why he can't stay at your place. Is that his choice or yours?

Butterymuffin · 12/10/2018 23:57

Would add though that it sounds like there are various reasons he is unhappy but that he's decided they are all about you and your shortcomings. Does he take any responsibility for his situation at all?

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 00:01

He has met my kids and sees them when he comes here several times a week and has done since a few months after we met. They get on well. He doesn't feel comfortable staying overnight when they are here so doesn't.

My kids don't see their dad and don't have any family now on my side or his, so it's very much just me and them. I don't like not being here overnight for more than a couple of nights (I also travel for work once or twice a month and have to stay away then too).

OP posts:
IAmcuriousyellow · 13/10/2018 00:01

Agree with Elephant above, I read it that he “couldn’t do anything” ie jump your bones in the kitchen. Sounds a bit petulant and pouty cos you’re too busy to have sex.

Monty27 · 13/10/2018 00:03

Wow. He is high maintenance.
How did his child die?

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 00:06

I think in his mind he feels that should have been an opportunity to have sex. However without even coming near me or giving me any idea that was what was on his mind, let alone turn him down, he has decided I'm making myself too busy, I'm not available.

Yet you know what, I am pretty sure if I'd batted my eyelashes and said 'how about it, nudge nudge etc ' he would have made an excuse. Or pointed out we were in a rush.

But because I didn't do that he gets to decide it's all my fault nothing happened.

OP posts:
0rlaith · 13/10/2018 00:08

I agree he sounds like hard work.

Are you willing to change yourself and your life to give him what he wants ? Is is really worth it ?

PatriciaHolm · 13/10/2018 00:13

TBH, it sounds like the relationship has run its course. He wants someone who can spend more time with him, who doesn't have the responsibilities you do, who has the time and energy for sex. That's not all a bad thing, but if that's not you, he shouldn't be being grumpy about it - you want different things.

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 00:21

I don't know what I can do to be what he wants.

Yes he wants someone who has time and energy for sex but who will also make all the overtures because he won't. And who will telepathically know when he's thinking he might want sex or affection so they can ensure it's reciprocated.

I don't think I (or any other actual person in existence) can be that person.

OP posts:
Orchiddingme · 13/10/2018 00:26

I'm not sure how much more I can do. I am losing weight because I'd got fat and complacent. 7 weeks in and I've lost 25lb. I already look and feel better. But it's not enough

Did he say that or is it you driving your weight loss?

Basically he makes you feel rubbish and not enough. Only you know whether this is a temporary blip due to depression, or whether he's a depressed nature dissatisfied type of a person who is always going to make you feel bad. It doesn't seem a very fun relationship to me at all

Honeyroar · 13/10/2018 00:28

You don't sound like you like him very much. It doesn't seem like much of a relationship. Is it worth it?

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 00:34

He didnt say I'd got fat. I knew I had, and I am addressing it. I felt unattractive. Partly because he never seems to want to be intimate with me unless I make the approach. But maonly because I was/ am fat. Which isn't his fault.

I consider him my best friend. But I'm annoyed that this issue keeps coming up and I can't see what I can do to resolve it other than spend all my time with him to the detriment of my kids.

OP posts:
Hogtini · 13/10/2018 00:37

The sex thing should be about a connection and desire not mind games and scoring points. If you think it's worth fighting for then you need to seriously talk to each other.
Were you preparing dinner for your adult children too? Are we talking a roast with trimmings esque meal or..? Perhaps he was thinking they could have arranged their own meals/cooked for you if they knew you were going out? 3 nights a fortnight is v little time. Perhaps he misses the busy family life he had and he finds it hard to process? Just trying to think of his pov (obviously there's deep issues that need professional support), yes you're busy so you need to prioritise i.e. one of you could have suggested grabbing a takeaway - no faff, more time together etc.