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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he or are we both to blame for our relationship issues?

89 replies

Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:03

Another blow up tonight...partner of 5ish years isn't happy. He feels lonely, unwanted and unloved. The spark for tonight was him thinking how attractive I looked in a new dress but feeling that as I was rushing around preparing dinner as we were due to go out to a charity do, he couldn't do anything. This made him feel unwanted.

I said isn't that just life? I work ft have adult/ young adult DC, my life especially at 6.30 is busy.

But clearly this isn't doing it for him.

I'm not sure how much more I can do. I am losing weight because I'd got fat and complacent. 7 weeks in and I've lost 25lb. I already look and feel better. But it's not enough.

He thinks I don't spend enough time at his house (he can't stay at mine). I stay there about 3 nights a fortnight. He works away 2 nights a week too. He has been through the mill over he last 5 years he was seriously ill (but is now in remission), his child very sadly lost their life in tragic circumstances. His family are small and 100s of miles away. Day to day he only has me, and I don't think I am offering him what he wants. I think he needs more of my time and attention than I can give.

I am not sure where to go from here if I'm honest.

OP posts:

DisappearingFish · 14/10/2018 08:14

If he has depression but is refusing to seek treatment for it then you need to let him go. He will drag you down with him.

SandyY2K · 14/10/2018 08:15

He wants more than you can give him.

He sounds rather lonely and depressed...which he won't do anything about.

He's not putting any effort into your physical relationship.... I don't know why that is. Performance issues? Fear
of something?

He doesn't sound like a bad person...but I think he's had a rough time recently and needs to figure out what he wants. If I was talking to him I'd say he should go to counselling with this.

Flowerpot2005 · 14/10/2018 09:48

So he's had serious illness, lost a child, had significant mental health issues what required crisis team intervention, won't make the first move intimacy wise but blames you despite feeling like he needs sex a lot, he's unhappy at home due to a police raid but won't stay at yours because of the kids, wants more time & intimacy together, he's unhappy, feels unwanted & doesn't see a future together.

You have gained weight & are now losing it mainly because you felt unattractive through lack of him making the first move, you wore a lovely dress & he felt he should have been able to have sex but you were making dinner & then you washed up before going out, you're a v busy working, single mum, you always make the first move but agree your sex life is minimal, you can't stay at his house often because of the kids, you won't live together until the kids leave home, you consider him your best friend yet, you don't know what else you can do to be what he wants...

Well I'm not surprised you don't know what else you can do to be what he wants because he hasn't a bloody clue himself. The major issue is he needs medical help & wont seek it & despite there being numerous things he could do to make his life/himself feel better, he won't.

You on the other hand seem quite rigid in saying you are busy & having kids as a way of avoiding the relationship going further because you know it's not right. You're losing yourself in trying to please him & avoid further commitment at the same time.

The dress & going out stood out for me. He's there shuffling round thinking I want sex with her, you're there in your lovely dress cooking tea for kids old enough to have done it themselves as you were going out, then you washed up! then you had to give him a little talking to about this being life. Why couldn't he have taken you out for a meal?You're turning yourself into a doormat by keeping all these plates spinning. Time to move on my lovely before he drags you down any further & you let him x

bastardkitty · 14/10/2018 09:57

He's a blamer. It sounds to me like you're damned if you doand damned if you don't. It's truly awful that he's lost a child. I would imagine though that this is basically his nature/personality even before the loss. What's in it for you?

sunshinesupermum · 14/10/2018 10:06

Maybe he should move back to where his family lives? Sounds like he is still grieving for his child (and maybe his marriage?) He would no doubt benefit from counselling/therapy.

While you still have a 16 year old child I quite understand that you OH cannot expect more of you than you are already giving.

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 14/10/2018 11:36

Thanks for all your replies.

He came round yesterday early evening (he normally comes round early afternoon so I'd been waiting around for him). I thought we would talk but he didn't seem to want to, was doing some stuff on his laptop - important stuff so I thought ok fair enough. We started watching a film, one of my kids came in and sat with us.

Towards the end of the film I suddenly felt some pain coming on. I have a small health issue which can cause pain but is manageable if I take tablets quickly and keep calm, breathe etc. So I got up went and got my tablets and then lay down on the other sofa (lying flat also helps).

While I was lying like that - my DC had gone upstairs by this point - waiting for the pain to ease, I hear him moving about. He's getting ready to leave. His parting shot is that he wanted to talk to me but clearly that's not going to happen so he was going home. At this point I'm still flat out. He did ask is it x and I said yes, in quite a lot of pain but it's easing (it was). No hope you're ok or anything though.

This was at 10. He'd been round since 6.

I think that probably confirms my thoughts unfortunately.

OP posts:

ScottChegg · 14/10/2018 11:43

He's blaming you for everything. How can you have a relationship with someone who can't accept responsibility? How can you have a relationship with someone who is unwilling to see their mistakes and change them? That means they will never change. You say he accepts the problems are partly down to him but if you asked him specifically how he thinks he has contributed to them I suspect he'd struggle to come up with anything.

ScottChegg · 14/10/2018 11:45

Cross posted.

Oh no.No, no. He's crazy making. He does not have your best interests at heart Fedup. Sorry.

ScottChegg · 14/10/2018 11:46

And that lack of concern for your welfare. Cold.

0rlaith · 14/10/2018 11:46

Actually he sounds pretty unpleasant in a passive agressive way.

He really needs your whole focus to be on him all the time .

bastardkitty · 14/10/2018 11:52

To the hard of understanding posters saying OP needs to let him stay round more, it's the boyfriend who doesn't want to stay over.

He sounds worse with each post OP. Passive-aggressive in the extreme. There is nothing to be gained by having a relationship with him. I know that when you dump him he will have some kind of olympic scale pity party but honestly, you can't change that. I don't doubt he was like this before his traumatic loss!

LatentPhase · 14/10/2018 12:17

Yes he is passive aggressive. Not nice. Especially when you’re in pain? Your relationship isn’t in a good place. But also both of your are feeling unable to communicate directly. Either one of you could have asked if now was or was not a good time to talk. But instead you both attempted to read each other’s minds.

RandomMess · 14/10/2018 13:08

How dare you be ill!!!!

Says it all really, he wants everything 100% on his terms...

There are definitely reasons for that highly linked to grief, PTSD but you're not obligated to put up with it especially when he doesn't appear to be interested/invested in seeking help to deal with it.

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2018 13:21

Realationships shouldn’t be such a slog - put this to bed. You won’t regret it.

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