Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is he or are we both to blame for our relationship issues?

89 replies

Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:03

Another blow up tonight...partner of 5ish years isn't happy. He feels lonely, unwanted and unloved. The spark for tonight was him thinking how attractive I looked in a new dress but feeling that as I was rushing around preparing dinner as we were due to go out to a charity do, he couldn't do anything. This made him feel unwanted.

I said isn't that just life? I work ft have adult/ young adult DC, my life especially at 6.30 is busy.

But clearly this isn't doing it for him.

I'm not sure how much more I can do. I am losing weight because I'd got fat and complacent. 7 weeks in and I've lost 25lb. I already look and feel better. But it's not enough.

He thinks I don't spend enough time at his house (he can't stay at mine). I stay there about 3 nights a fortnight. He works away 2 nights a week too. He has been through the mill over he last 5 years he was seriously ill (but is now in remission), his child very sadly lost their life in tragic circumstances. His family are small and 100s of miles away. Day to day he only has me, and I don't think I am offering him what he wants. I think he needs more of my time and attention than I can give.

I am not sure where to go from here if I'm honest.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/10/2018 09:53

Exactly and only he has the power to change that and take responsibility for his loneliness...

I'm sure if he puts the effort in he will find things to make other social connections! Dancing, board game club, other sports...

He spends his leisure time hanging around waiting for what free time you have!

Is other choice is to learn to be emotionally self sufficient and stop expecting you to fill his emotional void, therapy would help with that.

ionising · 13/10/2018 09:54

Well done on the weight loss.

I don’t think I could be in a relationship with someone who we only share a bed a few times a fortnight. So I understand him there , but then if you have given him the opportunity to stay and he refuses that makes him sound like a martyr.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2018 09:58

The fact that he only has you doesnt mean you have to limit your life to just him

penisbeakers · 13/10/2018 10:03

He sounds like a manchild. I'd free yourself and leave him to it.

DastardlyDoris · 13/10/2018 10:47

OP are you the poster who went to a wedding with this man and he had a tantrum and slept all night in the car?

DorothyBastard · 13/10/2018 11:02

Gosh he sounds exhausting, doesn’t it tire you out, being set up to fail all the time?

Antigon · 13/10/2018 11:11

If he didn't want sex, then what did he want?

For you to drop everything and hang on his every word?

It sounds like as well as solving his loneliness you're expected to guess what he wants?

OP, I feel like this man will become emotionally abusive if he moves in with you.

Maelstrop · 13/10/2018 12:03

Sounds way too demanding and insecure. You want to wait 3-5 years before moving in together, he wants to see more of you. Incompatible.

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 13:27

I often do feel I'm in the wrong.

However I think sometimes I am at fault. But the way things are isn't all down to me. He thinks it's mostly my fault. He does charitably accept it is PARTLY down to him. That's good of him isn't it?! But not half and half...no it's mostly me apparently.

I do feel he needs more than I can give. I'm actually quite a self sufficient person I think, I'm quite happy in my own company, pottering around. I don't really need social interaction. Whereas I think alspthpugh he classes himself as an introvert he really does have to have someone there. When I met him he'd been single for 4 months, that's the longest time he's ever been on his own since he was 16. Whereas it's the reverse for me, I've been single for the majority of my adult years.

OP posts:
SaltyPeanut · 13/10/2018 13:55

Your description of his behaviour around sex and you looking good in a nice dress has confused me so God alone knows what he is doing to your head. Are you dating Mr Mindfuck.

It sounds like he wants an adoring fan/fawning groupie, not a grown up female life partner.

As far as his mental health problems are concerned, it's not your responsibility to fix those.

I'm sorry but it really does sound as if you would be much happier without him in your life.

0rlaith · 13/10/2018 16:09

It really doesn’t matter whose fault it is. You seem very caught up with apportioning blame.

You sound imcompatible, that’s all.

It doesn’t matter if every single person on this thread thinks that you shouldn’t cook your kids dinner. If that’s what you want to do then that’s just fine. You are allowed to want different things from him.

FlowThroughIt · 13/10/2018 16:17

It sounds like you're fed up with him and can't be fucked with his feelings or making time for him and equally he can't appreciate that you have more than him to focus on and you're not psychic.

It's a bad relationship, probably better if you both cut your losses and move on.

autumnleaves1234 · 13/10/2018 16:34

He sounds terribly terribly sad. His child has DIED. It'll take longer than five years to heal. With respect, you don't sound as if you actually care enough for him to be with him the way he is
So why not just call it a day? It will give you both the opportunity of being happier with someone else
It doesn't sound as if he'll be the one to end things so maybe you could do the kind thing....

Housingcraze · 13/10/2018 16:35

Totally depression! Maybe chatting to his family or visiting his family together as couple!

Original poster
Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 17:31

I can't fix him being sad though. I am sympathetic. I appreciate what he's going through is horrendous. But I think he needs proper therapy. Not me spending all my time with him at the expense of myself and my family.

I have visited his family twice this year. They have visited him once (no reason why they can't visit more often). They haven't met my kids and when we visit them my kids have never been invited.

OP posts:
Sammy900 · 13/10/2018 17:57

It sounds like he wants more affection and emotional connection and at times he thinks you look beautiful, etc he feels like he can't show you. You have described that you are usually very busy and don't know what to do as you can't read his mind...but to be honest it sounds like you are not really that in to him.Have your feelings towards him changed? Maybe if you do love him and still want to stay together you both need to focus on each other for a while and re-build a connection. Life gets in the way and we forget the togetherness factor sometimes...otherwise sounds like things have broken down Flowers

MatildaTheCat · 13/10/2018 18:25

It’s telling that he says he wanted to make a move on you at a time when you are unavailable due to your family being around yet when you are alone together- very frequently- he doesn’t bother. That’s quite ambivalent and insecure.

It’s also telling that you don’t feel comfortable to have him to stay after five years, citing you dc. Is that really the reason or do you simply not want him to effectively move in? I wouldn’t blame you. It just sounds like the current arrangement works ok for you even if you’d like more sex. For him he wants more of you than you are willing to give.

I think you are holding him back because you know that even your undivided attention won’t be enough. He’s an emotional vacuum and needs help to sort himself out.

MortyVicar · 13/10/2018 18:36

It’s also telling that you don’t feel comfortable to have him to stay after five years, citing you dc. Is that really the reason or do you simply not want him to effectively move in?

But it's the DP choosing not to stay because he feels uncomfortable, not the OP telling him he can't. He's around her DCs a lot, but won't stay overnight.

autumnleaves1234 · 13/10/2018 19:14

So leave him. Let him have a chance of happiness

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2018 19:44

I feel for your kids tbh having to put up with him as a presence in your life.

ScottChegg · 13/10/2018 20:49

It sounds to me as though at the centre of his being is an enormous emotional black hole and he wants you to fill it.

He's quite adept at playing the victim isn't he? It sounds like his feelings are centre stage; depressed, anxious, vulnerable and hypersensitive. It's those that bother him, not anything you have done or failed to do. It was his thought that "he couldn't do anything" that led him to conclude that he is unwanted. I think if you watched for a while you might well see that these outbursts coincide with your attention not being focused on HIM.

You see him five nights a week, but he is lonely! He could stay at yours but he is too uncomfortable. He thinks you don't stay at his (where he can bask in your undivided attention, coincidentally) often enough.

Does he show any interest in you, as a person, or is he only interested in your interest being solely him?

It sounds like you already know that you can't win, that no matter what you do it will never be enough. Is it possible that you have confused pity for love? He isn't emotionally healthy individual and relationships are supposed to be built on mutual care, interest and respect. Is he capable of that?

Cambionome · 13/10/2018 21:17

ScottChegg has nailed it.

MsHopey · 14/10/2018 07:32

I feel a bit bad for him and think he's getting a hard time on here.
He's clearly been through a lot over the past 5 years and is leaning on you for support.
I think he probably wants the relationship to progress a bit more. I can see your self sufficient and are putting you and your kids first, which is okay but not working for him.
5 years is a long time and while you have to think of your kids most people would have moved in together by now.
Spending 1 or 2 nights together doesn't seem a lot after 5 years.
And he helps cook family dinners and visits daily mean he wants to be a part of the family and you don't really seem to want him to be more involved.
He is needy but after losing a child and being seriously ill he probably doesn't want to lose anything else. It's the kind of experience that makes you pull everyone closer and you just don't seem as interested.
I also don't see why you losing weight is something your trying to push onto him. Like it's something you're doing to keep him happy and he should be grateful when it doesn't sound like he's bothered about your weight at all. That's something for you, and thats great, but you sound a bit insecure suggesting your weight is an issue in the relationship when it seems it's more a commitment and intimacy problem.
I think he wants more than you want to give him. It does seem like you have a lot of excuses for not moving the relationship forward, but ones that are not big issues especially with how old your kids are.
What if your kids stay will they're 30? In 14 years are you still going to only see each other once or twice a week?

BrightLightsAndSound · 14/10/2018 07:51

Agree with @MsHopey

If it were reversed and a man was on here saying "my girlfriend of 5 years lost her child and then suffered a serious illness. Shes nagging at me because she wants to sleep over more than twice a week whereas i want to prioritise my children who are going on 17 and 20" he'd be slaughtered.

LatentPhase · 14/10/2018 08:10

I think ScottChegg and MsHopey are both right.

When did you both last discuss him sleeping over at yours? It seems really odd that after 5 years he won’t stay over. Does this get discussed, are you happy it’s like that?

It seems like the intimacy in the relationship only goes so far.

When did his child die? I think if you guys could see a way to progress this relationship now and he could go into therapy, you guys could get things back on track.

Swipe left for the next trending thread