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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is he or are we both to blame for our relationship issues?

89 replies

Fedupnothardup · 12/10/2018 23:03

Another blow up tonight...partner of 5ish years isn't happy. He feels lonely, unwanted and unloved. The spark for tonight was him thinking how attractive I looked in a new dress but feeling that as I was rushing around preparing dinner as we were due to go out to a charity do, he couldn't do anything. This made him feel unwanted.

I said isn't that just life? I work ft have adult/ young adult DC, my life especially at 6.30 is busy.

But clearly this isn't doing it for him.

I'm not sure how much more I can do. I am losing weight because I'd got fat and complacent. 7 weeks in and I've lost 25lb. I already look and feel better. But it's not enough.

He thinks I don't spend enough time at his house (he can't stay at mine). I stay there about 3 nights a fortnight. He works away 2 nights a week too. He has been through the mill over he last 5 years he was seriously ill (but is now in remission), his child very sadly lost their life in tragic circumstances. His family are small and 100s of miles away. Day to day he only has me, and I don't think I am offering him what he wants. I think he needs more of my time and attention than I can give.

I am not sure where to go from here if I'm honest.

OP posts:

Hogtini · 13/10/2018 00:40

Sorry just re-read where you say you see him every evening.

H1dingInSight · 13/10/2018 00:49

How old are your DCs?

Blinkingblimey · 13/10/2018 00:51

You say you consider him your ‘best friend’. I really think he should be no more than ‘your friend’...if that! I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation but I think you should view it as not a long term prospect (He won’t stay over (/can’t cope with?!) your adult dc?! @
-that’s bonkers!!). Sorry 💐

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 00:56

I'd already made dinner, when he arrived I was basically dishing up, draining veg etc and then washing up, he got here when I was just finishing stuff off.

My kids are 16 and 19 (20 later this year). Eldest was still at work, so their dinner was left for them in the fridge.

I'd cooked enough for all of us in case he wanted to eat before we went out (it was just us 2 going) but he didn't.

OP posts:

Hogtini · 13/10/2018 01:31

You talk about losing weight 'and I already look and feel better' (which is great btw) Well intimacy isn't just that is it? It's the connection, mutual desire, sharing a laugh etc. If a man came on here saying he'd lost weight 'and I already look and feel better' but then talked about imtimacy issues there would be uproar. How does he feels about himself? You say he doesn't intiate so clearly he's struggling in many senses. Honestly it sounds like it may have run it's course, you just sound annoyed by him.

StripeyDeckchair · 13/10/2018 06:01

You are talking a lot about what you are doing to make him happy. What is he doing to make you happy?

Won't stay at your place, doesn't make a move re sex, expects you to launch around after him - it sounds like you're doing all the work & hes moaning & moving the goal posts. What do you get from this relationshi? Is it what you want or has it run its course?

Cutietips · 13/10/2018 06:39

I agree with StripeyDeckchair, he expects you to do all the work. He seems to want all his emotional needs taken care of by you (without even telling what he wants) and doesn’t consider your needs at all. What grown man needs his partner to fuss round him when she’s serving up dinner? It’s very needy and insecure. It’s all on his terms, isn’t it? He wants more time with you, but only at his place. He wants more intimacy, but only if you initiate it, etc. I’m not sure what you’re getting out of this relationship. When’s he making YOU feel special? When’s he meeting YOUR needs?

TheMoonShinesGreen · 13/10/2018 06:53

Your relationship isn't working, I think there's blame on both sides. End it.

PookieDo · 13/10/2018 06:54

It sounds like he has unrealistic expectations of sex - if I had just got dressed to go out and was cooking It wouldn’t be the time to have sex, but if my DP had given me a lovely compliment at that time I probably would have shown some affection in response (and indicated sex on cards later perhaps). But if this doesn’t naturally happen and he is harbouring resentment you don’t constantly approach him sexually and never approaches you I don’t know how you will resolve it. I am dating a man who is very respectful of me and is conscious of not pressuring me for sex so he often does let me make the first proper move but he is also very affectionate, complimentary and sweet so me making a move feels more natural.

It sounds like a mismatch too, you are busy and he has a lot more time to think and worry. Perhaps you have just become friends

Crunchymum · 13/10/2018 07:09

Completely missing the point but you've lost 25lbs in 7 weeks?????

BrightLightsAndSound · 13/10/2018 07:14

I think at 16 and 20 your kis can handle themselves a bit more. Is that just a bit of an excuse?

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 07:16

He used to compliment me a lot, he still does but a lot less often. Which I thought well I've gained weight that's probably fair.

Am I annoyed by him? Not usually no, people we know think we are super compatible and very happy. I've had friends tell me how jealous they are of our relationship.

However I do feel annoyed and frustrated over this incident. He is lonely and I feel like he's looking to me to solve that, but I already see him 5 nights a week, I don't understand what he wants me to do or how he's helping himself in this. He wants to move near his family and I know I'm the only reason he hasn't.

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finn1020 · 13/10/2018 07:22

Yes, it is just normal life you’ve described for many people - and he does sound like a needy child - I would find a relationship with someone like this tiring and unless I had a very long history invested in him (looooong relationship, kids involved), I might prefer to cut my losses rather than think this is what it’s going to be for the next 30 years.

It seems he wants a lot of the focus to be on him and his needs, and how you should change to make him happy. But for the relationship to work it has to be about what you want and your needs too.

Sometimes over time it ends up as a mismatch of availability of time for each other, or lifestyles, or outlook on life.

Put yourself first, work out what you want from the relationship. Only then will you know if the changes he wants you to make are something you are comfortable with to continue in the relationship. If you change, it has to be because you want to, not because he’s demanding it to prop him up.

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 07:26

Crunchy, I am quite overweight so I have a lot to lose. I've been eating cleanly (I hate that word!) and also doing a lot of exercise...but I know in the next month or so it will start to slow down to 1-2lb a week.

I don't think it's an excuse. I have a lot of guilt about my kids, I've always worked ft since they were babies, been out of the house 8-6 or often longer. They are only here a few more years...so while they are I want to come home and cook them a dinner 5 nights a week and be here overnight for 5 or 6 nights. I drop eldest at work (it's on my way to my work) in the mornings so it makes sense to be here on weekdays although I do sometimes stay over at his on a weeknight.

I do feel that over the years I have made loads of effort. I did used to spend more time at his but that was to my kids detriment I think.

OP posts:

Cambionome · 13/10/2018 07:32

Tbh he sounds massively needy and very controlling.

NationalShiteDay · 13/10/2018 07:45

I think the relationship has run its course tbh.

You're (quite rightly) putting your kids first, whereas he wants more and more attention.

Also untreated health conditions are a deal breaker for me. I watched my dad refuse to address his depression and the insidious impact it has had on the family has been huge. I say this as someone with depression myself. At some point you just have to realise that it's not all about you and get help. Much easier said than done though.

Let him go, he might find a happier balance if he moved loser to his family.

Tisahardlife · 13/10/2018 07:45

I think you have your priorities and boundaries right for you and your kids and are realistic in what you bring to a relationship.

I think you've been very flexible in what you bring to the relationship but are at a point where your boundaries have been reached. He is pushing those boundaries to get more from you and as you are not moving your boundaries to accommodate his need for more he is sulking and finding ways to make this your fault.

I think you need to talk. There is only him who can change the overnight thing by staying at yours, there is only him who knows when he'd like to make a sexual advance, these things are not your responsibility and he needs to own them.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2018 08:14

I think he wants more than you can give - its pointless debating the rights and wrongs of that because it what he wants and I you are unable to give it to him because you have other priorities.

As a previous poster said the boundaries of what you can give him have been reached (and indeed probably pushed a little bit to far in his favour actually away from your kids). Your priority cannot be him and just him, your life cannot be merely an offshoot of making him happy

Ragwort · 13/10/2018 08:17

I agree that it sounds as though this relationship has just run it's course; he clearly wants a lot more than you can offer him and, quite righty, you have a full and busy life & it seems that he wants you at his beck and call (on his terms).

Yes, it is incredibly sad that he has such a difficult life but this sort of person can be really draining.

I suggest you end things gently. But don't offer to remain friends.

FinallyHere · 13/10/2018 08:31

What does he mean by “he couldn’t do anything?”. Surely he could have helped you with preparing the meal?

this ^ @Darkstar4855 has nailed it

because you put on a nice outfit he seems to think that = sex now.

and this ^ @elephantoverthehill

It's very sad that he has lost a child. Nevertheless, he needs to take responsibility for his own wellbeing and not expect you to make it all better for him. I do not think I could be attracted to a man who winged that he felt unloved because he noticed you looking attractive and you did not provide sex. I was going to say sex on demand but he is not even asking.

Do you find him attractive or is he just another responsibility you have shouldered? What does he bring to you life ?

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 08:46

Finally, he meant he felt he couldn't be demonstrative, that he couldn't make a move on me because I was too busy.

Thing is I will come up and hug him while he's cooking (he cooks regularly for us, mainly at weekends) and he'll say - in a nice way - not wile he's cooking/busy. Which is fine and I don't get a strop on about it because I'm an adult.

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differentnameforthis · 13/10/2018 09:17

So he feels unwanted because you looked good and he wanted sex (because you look good) and couldn't do it because you were busy?

But it's not enough. It will never be enough for him. You have to decide if you can always try to meet his unreasonable standards!!

Yes he wants someone who has time and energy for sex but who will also make all the overtures because he won't. Ahhh, he wants someone to fawn all over his massive ego and make him feel needed and special, while she gets to feel like nothing because he shows no interest in reciprocating. Her "reward" for fawning over him is that she gets to be fucked by him. Nice. Not.

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 09:24

Oh he didn't want sex. Like I said if I'd been batting my eyelashes at him nothing would have happened. He came out woth that comment last night about how lonely he is and then oh he shouldn't have said anything.

What am I supposed to do about him feeling lonely and unwanted? I haven't felt great abput myself due to weight gain but I know that was for ME to fix.

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RandomMess · 13/10/2018 09:28

You tell him that he needs to fix his loneliness, only he can take responsibility for his own happiness.

If he makes no effort to make friends or have hobbies that his choice.

No other person can solve someone else's unhappiness.

You have done nothing remotely unreasonable- he blames you for lack of intimacy what effort does he make to spend quality time with you? He won't stay over... his choice.

Original poster

Fedupnothardup · 13/10/2018 09:34

He doesn't have any friends really. He had lots in his home town but moved away when he got married 20 or so years ago, his wife didn't like him going out. He doesn't drink or play football (round here those are the main things men do socially) so even since his divorce he's not made any friends. He has me and his family and that's it.

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