To think school success is more about the child than the parent

[Aigle]

Only one child, so it's hard to judge, but he is barely trying (Y10). Now I am being criticised for not enforcing a routine or "making it happen" ... and I accept that I am not the strictest of parents, but DS simply refuses to take his homework or revision (currently none) seriously, he simply will not do it. I'm thinking there must be families where the parent tries to establish/impose the same rules for each child, but one child will not cooperate despite having similar ability? Some parents have the view that if the child fails it's because the parent fails, but AIBU to think that sometimes it's simply because the (capable) child has a mind of its own?

Who is criticising you?

I think YABU. I agree that nature is more important than nuture, but parents have to do their best to kick their children into line. Different children need different environments in which to learn - it's the parents' job to find which is right for each individual child.

Tricky one. I can see both sides of this.

Ultimately, I think all you can do is your best. That's all anyone can do.

I think it is more that with parental support DC can do better at school. Some DC do well with little parental support but maybe could have done even better with supportive parents.

The other side of this is sometimes even with the most supportive parents trying their hardest and doing everything they can DC can still go off the rails and not bother. Sometimes the DC have to fail before they realise that actually they do have to do the work and put the effort in.

This is quite often seen when DC breeze through GCSE's and get good enough grades but then don't work at A Level and are shocked that the same strategy gets them U's!

I think you have to carry on being supportive and be there to pick your DS up when he realises that he isn't going to get the grades he needs by messing around and not working.

Maybe point out to your DS that as he has to stay in some sort of education until he is 18, he will be better working for his GCSE's now or he may spend his sixth form years re-doing GCSE's.

no of course a parent plays a part in the outcome

not all but a proportion

My parents certainly found this. I took to school like a duck to water and always excelled. My parents congratulated themselves on their excellent parenting, lectured others about how it was all about not being pushy and letting children find their innate love of learning (apparently - they have said this, I don't remember!). Then they had my brother... Who did not turn out to have an innate love of learning, at least in a classroom way. If it's any comfort we pursued very different routes in adult life (I'm an academic, he's a building site manager) but I'd say we're pretty even in terms of personal happiness and even material security (actually he beats me there) so although I remember mum coming home in tears from his parents' evenings it all sort of shook out alright in the end.

There is also the expectation from school. We are in the US and DS is 12. Last year as he began his first year of middle school the school approached me saying they thought he would be a good candidate for an Executive Skills program they have and explained why. So he has been part of it ever since and meets in a small group with a teacher 4 times a week.

It basically teaches him to be organized and responsible for his own work and we absolutely love the results. He now is almost always a straight A student and he expects to get all his work done without any nagging from his parents. I am so delighted the school offers this and they just wanted to see him reach his potential, when he was starting to drift into being lazy and unfocused. His school is pre-school to age 14 so they saw he needed the help as he left primary level.

Just turn the broadband off..works with mine

Nope. I fostered a girl who couldn't do anything at 7, such was the neglect. No reading/writing at all.

She's now at uni. We put everything in place to make it possible for her to achieve.

Parental involvement (lack of) is the single biggest factor after poverty that stops children achieving.

He will soon do it if you tell him that's his contract with Society/bribe/encourage/remove video games - you need a massive combination of the above to help your kid be successful.

Well unless you want him living in your basement at 30.

I think every child is different but also not all parents are equally as good at all aspects of parenting. I’m not saying you or anyone is not a good parent in particular but we all have weak areas and maybe for you creating rules and boundaries around essential tasks is not a strong area for you. All we can all do it try to improve when we notice our weaknesses for the benefit of our kids. You need to find a way to get your ds to do his work so focus your efforts here for a while and try a few different techniques till you find something that works for him.

When it comes to work done at home I think it is at least two thirds the parents responsibility to make sure the pupil takes it seriously & gets it done. When they are 17/18 the balance should start to shift more to the child so they become ready to take full responsibility as an adult. If you don't get them to do homework or revise in Y10 what hope do they have in Y12 /13.

Take away their phone/playstation etc and make them sit at a table until their homework is done to a good standard, don't just shrug your shoulders and say oh well! Get the whip out. And if they don't have any homework make sure they get on with revision.

I have two children and one is so much easier to 'parent' so all the things people say like routines, boundaries, rewards, consequences work really successfully with one of them. There is a bit of moaning or arguing back, but essentially they just do it because its expected of them or will with a carrot or stick.

The other one sounds more like your child.

If you find something that works - let me know.

I never did my homework. Ever. I scraped through my GCSEs and did okay at A levels because I am actually bright. Realised my potential too late at university and graduated with a first but not in the field I would have dreamed of (vet med). Totally my fault of course but I can't help but wonder if things had been different if my parents had given me a bit more of a kick up the arse when I was younger.

It's a tricky one. Parental support obviously plays a part, but a lot is down to the child.

In fact, after reading your title, I thought this was going to be the other way round. Lots of parents seem to want to claim credit for their child's achievements, when I think often it's down to the child's intelligence / hard work etc.

My DS denies the existence of homework, even looking through his bag brings no results.

Am I meant to make some up for him to do? -to those saying parents make it happen!
As it is, I do pay for IXL.com, curriculum based maths and English for home educated DD, so pay the extra for DS to do it too.
I get him to do some of that when he 'has no homework'.

LaurieFairyCake I agree with you.

OP what consequence does your DS have if he doesn't do his homework?

Success is down to the child, yes, but the parent can help by setting the right environment and expectations IMO. What works in that respect may well vary between children but I do think there is a benefit in setting an expectation that homework will be done to the best of a child's ability from the get-go.

We (my family) were expected to revise for exams by spending time reading in our rooms, drinks and snacks provided at regular intervals. I was surprised to find that my DH didn't have to revise if he didn't want to (he was equally surprised to think that a child would actually revise if asked to!). We'll be following my family model for DD as it's working well so far and even DH has reminded her about doing homework occasionally

She had SATs last year and used to do 10 min tests as practice, now she's in secondary school she'll have exams in different subjects to revise for next year and the school have already made them write the dates in their planners. I think they are expecting revision to be done!

ds(14) would prefer to be on the xbox rather than study. but knows he doesn't get on it after school until homework and study is done. The school request 1.5hrs a night in homework/study in his year, I insist on 1hr.

if he doesn't do it, or is getting poor marks in ongoing assessments and class test, he simply does not get on the xbox, no ifs or buts. Ive been consistent since the beginning so he knows what he needs to do (and eventually he has seen good results from studying and doesn't resist anymore)

Study consists of reading for at least 30mins a day "for pleasure" before bed for English, and a French app Duolingo daily for 15 mins. This is above the 1 hour of study. Haven't worked out what else he can do for English or French.

For Physics and Chemistry he looks at BBC bite size, some NAT4/5 books. Maths revision sheets the teacher puts online for them (but doesn't mark them so I do). Geography and modern are harder but again reads jotter notes and BBC bitesize/googles his subject.

From my limited experience as a secondary teacher (14 years) I would say parental support is very important.

Some children are very self-motivated. Some are not. For those that are not, parental intervention is the best solution. Year 10 pupils are often simply not mature enough to fully appreciate the consequences of messing up at school. They need a fair dose of carrot and stick and parents are best place to provide it. The sanctions that a school can impose just aren’t ‘painful’ enough.

Who pays for:

WiFi
Phone
Clothes
Spending money
Console games?

These things can easily be removed.

Stop trying to be a friend and start parenting. For schools, parents who just shrug their shoulders and say ‘there’s nothing I can do’ are very frustrating.

The research all suggests parental influence and attitude is the biggest indicator of later success. At year 10 it’s a bit late to be thinking about developing positive attitudes and a learning environment. You can change them but by golly it’s hard work then.

Start being a bit stricter!

I totally agree that parents set the tone. I mentioned my previously lazy son up thread but his two teenage sisters have a great work ethic and all three of them come home and do their HW without us needing to nag as it is expected. But it does help that they go to schools where kids are expected to work hard, so the message is reinforced from every direction.

It also helps that DH is incredibly hard working, starts work at 7:30am every morning and doesn't complain.

Kids can be naturally bright but hard work is what gets results whatever your ability, and those habits should be engrained young.

When children are small you watch the streets for them before they cross with you. You see the path. If you had a school with 200 children in one classroom and a teacher that had just a primary level, would you say it's down to the kid ? Somebody saw your kid and saw potential. What do you not see ? Your child can be anything, but he only knows that when he looks into your eyes. Even if he fights you and does not become an academic he will be great doing his own thing, not NOTHING. You have to feed that brain, Otherwise he will put a lot of things that has absolutely no value in it. Start small but be steady. Stop when it starts to be interesting. Stick to the plan. The time that you are investing is also investment into his own self esteem. Stubborn is very good, he's got personality, he can be stubborn with his homework. It will not be a piece of cake, and do not expect any thanks. You will need support.

For one the school is with you.

Parenting is the single most important influence, overwhelmingly more so than peers, teachers, which school etc.