To think school success is more about the child than the parent

[Aigle]

Only one child, so it's hard to judge, but he is barely trying (Y10). Now I am being criticised for not enforcing a routine or "making it happen" ... and I accept that I am not the strictest of parents, but DS simply refuses to take his homework or revision (currently none) seriously, he simply will not do it. I'm thinking there must be families where the parent tries to establish/impose the same rules for each child, but one child will not cooperate despite having similar ability? Some parents have the view that if the child fails it's because the parent fails, but AIBU to think that sometimes it's simply because the (capable) child has a mind of its own?

Pacer142 - I have been thinking about peers too. It's a state school, and a friendly school but not the most ambitious of schools, and not the most ambitious of kids. Somehow, I thought we could overcome that by encouraging and pushing DS academically, but as said, it's not working.

Pumpkintopf - no, he won't let me be involved with his homework. We used to do revision books together, but now he refuses to do anything if I am there, and doesn't want me to read his planner or explain anything. I am patient and a good teacher (not a real one) but he actively refuses any input or assistance. He's become like this since Y8 or 9.

Sundance2741 - the "demand avoidant" thing is definitely part of the problem. I think some kids are mentally able to circumvent sanctions or bribes, and then as a parent, you have very few tools. We've had the discussion on opportunity (university / career / knowledge) many times, I don't like using scare-tactics, although occasionally remind him that he'll end up in some dead-end job.

Definitely a combination of factors. I think as a parent you have the responsibility to help your child do the best they can in all areas not just academic by encouraging and guiding them. I also think you need to let him know that you have high expectations of him, don't accept this. You are still in charge. Pocket money, phone, x box only if homework gets done. You need to be on top of it.

I do think people just let their kids get on with it at Secondary school. It can work for well motivated kids but some need a rocket up their behind as I am finding with my youngest who has just started year 7. My oldest is so much easier as he just gets on with it.

reallyanotherone - this is part of my thinking too. If he's really not mature enough to study properly, perhaps I should take the long view.

YABU. You started too late and therein lies the problem. My parents did my homework with me every day when I was 5/6 by the tone I was 8 it was all self directed and they didn't have to do anything. Occasionally I would opt not to do anything but most of the time it wasn't a problem. The earlier you start the easier it is.

Lots of judgemental posters on here assuming you have a malleable child

Read the GCSE threads and you’ll see they are stuffed with parents of girls worried about them overworking and stressing and parents of boys not putting the effort in

Yes, sexist - but read the threads......of course there are plenty of DC the other way round blah blah but the norm seems to be like this

I find parents of malleable girls in particular very tiresome and patronising in their opinions on this

I’m pleased to have children that don’t follow what I say to the letter, bovine-style

There’s a happy medium

I would add my demand avoidant child has ADHD and is adopted. We have had other issues relating to mental health that have over shadowed academic achievement. It's not the be all and end all. She's doing much better mental health wise now and also socially, which has been something she struggles with too. I prefer to accept her as she is and encourage her where I can. This morning she asked for help with some maths she didn't understand - that's a big step foward.

YABU. You started too late and therein lies the problem. My parents did my homework with me every day when I was 5/6 by the tone I was 8 it was all self directed and they didn't have to do anything. Occasionally I would opt not to do anything but most of the time it wasn't a problem. The earlier you start the easier it is

Again though, depends on the child. I sat and did homework from before i can remember. It actually led to me being being bored and able to completely disengage at school, reading books under desks, yet still keep up.

As i got older I grew to resent getting home from school and being made to do more school. So I thought up ways to avoid it- using the same techniques i avoided work at school too. Then an utterly shite secondary school meant I was never able to re-engage properly, despite wanting to and having the parental support.

I think it is very tricky to get it right. For every parent who says “i did this and it worked” there will be 5 who did exactly the same and it didn’t.

As pp said it needs a home-school-child triangle. It isn’t one more than another.

The race to gcse/a level/uni all seems a bit daft to me. Some kids may learn differently, or need a little bit longer to mature or absorb learning. Why do we make everyone sit gcse’s at 16 then move them on? Why not let those who haven’t found their groove, or are maybe less driven, or less able, to sit them at 17, 18, or later?

Out of interest, where would a 19 year old who wanted to take a full set of gcse’s go? Is there provision these days? Back in my day you sat them at 16, maybe resat mathes/english the following year if you didn’t get your C, then that was it. If you wanted to return to education it was night school, open university, or access courses, usually around a full time job.

Round here you can take many GCSEs as evening classes at the local college. You have to pay for this and you wouldnt be able to take 10 over 2 years but then again you wouldnt need to.

errr where to start.

First of all, your last point makes the assumption that children who are working hard 'don't have a mind of their own'. That's bollox. Some children want to succeed, and that is partly because of their personal capabilities, and partly because of the family environment which creates an atmosphere in which education and hard work is very important. Parental involvement in creating this environment is crucial.

I have two kids, one who is Gifted and Talented in maths and excels in every single subject at school, and one who sees school as a social club and is brilliant at PE. They both still have to do all of their homework on time, read, work hard and get back up if they fail. I hope it will carry on this way, even though one has more of a natural talent/inclination towards academic learning.

Thank you, @Tinty