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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t want partner to go out

117 replies

dawn96 · 09/10/2018 13:13

Me and my partner have been rowing constantly lately because he’s going out clubbing for a weekend far away with his mates and all their girlfriends (I’m the only one not going as usual because I’m the only one with kids) there’s a lot of them and I’m not happy about it at all ,he’s booked the weekend off work even though he tells me he can never have time off for anything which is a bummer anyway ! But I’m angry because it’s less than 1 week after im being induced and I have a two year old already and no support whatsoever ,I’ll have a 4/5 day old baby and a two year old all in my own for the entire weekend why he goes and gets drunk and has a jolly good time ,I told him I’m not happy about it and that I could end up having a c section and then who’s going to help me and he says I’m trying to ruin his life and control him ,Am I unreasonable to tell him I don’t want him to go and not back down about this ,I’m 99% sure he’s going to go regardless of how I feel in fact he said he’s definitely going now I’m being so immature about it 😩 I’m trying to be okay with it but I’m not at all

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 09/10/2018 14:07

UNBELIEVABLE OP! I can only imagine that he's in some sort of man-denial about being a dad at all. If he wants to go, tell him to pack a massive bag and not bother returning. He'll be useless when he returns anyway as he'll be knackered. That, or clear off to a kind relative who could look after you???!! Or another idea, pay for a doula woman to come in - they cost a fortune.

JessieLemon · 09/10/2018 14:07

PaintingOwls 23.

whatwillbewillbe03 · 09/10/2018 14:08

I was all ready to tell you YABU to not want your partner to go out BUT YANBU asking him not to go out clubbing for a weekend 5 days or even 5 weeks post birth.

I would sit him down and tell him calmly you are extremely worried and stressed about this situation and whilst you wouldn't usually ask in this instance given the circumstances you are requesting he dos not attend this event and stays home with his partner and children.

If he chooses to go let him go for good.

PaintingOwls · 09/10/2018 14:09

Well that explains a lot. I'd be inclined to tell his parents but still change the locks

statetrooperstacey · 09/10/2018 14:11

Op he is a selfish selfish bastard. He really is. The baby will days old and a 2 year old as well ! Just no.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 09/10/2018 14:13

he's disgusting tell him if he goes not to bother coming back and mean it.

wafflyversatile · 09/10/2018 14:13

This is ridiculous. He has a child and that child will need to be looked after while you are in hospital. He's the father. Whose job does he think it is to look after them? It's not you 'stopping him from going' it's his parenting responsibilities. because he's a parent. Does he not understand that?

If these are your mutual friends do they not know what the situation is. Is there no one who can have a word, if yours isn't good enough for him?

Pacificwander · 09/10/2018 14:18

I'd be telling him that you can't cancel the birth even if you wanted to!!!
Induction can take anything from 24 hours plus to work then Labour on top of that and possible complications/ emcs, hospital stay recovery and a unpredictable newborn aswell as a young confused toddler suddenly having to share its mum
Is his social life more important if it is then he's not a parent

rubyroot · 09/10/2018 14:21

You're so lucky to have another on the way- I hope you enjoy them both.

BUT, you're so unlucky with your choice of a partner. I am so sorry that this is the person who is supposed to be a father to your two children,

Yes- give him an ultimatum as this really will tell you where you stand. Ultimately, though I understand this will be difficult with a two year old and a brand new baby.

Good luck with your induction

missperegrinespeculiar · 09/10/2018 14:23

OP, I am so sorry, but I would seriously consider preparing for life as a single parent, somebody ready to do this is likely to decide at some point in the near future that they need their freedom and can't take the responsibility anymore, I hope for your sake it is just momentary madness and he comes to his senses (with a grovelling apology), but otherwise start planning now!

Tallace · 09/10/2018 14:23

Maybe you should phone his parents and ask them to cancel their holiday because their son isnt behaving like a decent father and you need their help.

Mugglemom · 09/10/2018 14:23

YANBU. He sounds like an asshole.

Induction could take longer than planned and you could only JUST be getting out of the hospital then.

What a selfish prick.

diddl · 09/10/2018 14:24

I can't understand at all why he doesn't want to be there.

For you, the new baby, his 2yr old.

The fact that his weekend away is so important to him is reason enough to leave imo.

He doesn't sound at all interested in being a father/family.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/10/2018 14:25

His lack of support is astounding. He's leaving you just around the time you're having a major medical procedure, he's leaving his toddler who you may not be in any fit state to look after and doesn't care he might be left with a stranger, and leaving you to cope with a newborn. He doesn't care about you or your kids. When I read your first post I thought both kids couldn't be his and it was a new relationship as most people wouldn't do this to someone they love and their own kids. And to top it all off when you raise your reasonable concerns that you won't be able to cope, he turns it around on you - it's controlling and selfish to ask for help with your own kids when you've just given birth? He is either incredibly stupid and naive (maybe because you do everything around the house and he doesn't have a clue what's involved!?) Or he really just doesn't give a shit. He should WANT to look after his family and not see them struggle - you shouldn't even have to ask

Of course he could cancel - I'd be very surprised to see any friend on a night out let alone a weekend away, so soon after their partner had given birth

Personally his lack of care would be a deal breaker for me and I'd be making plans to leave

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/10/2018 14:29

Also can't believe he's called you immature....He's behaving like a single teenager!!

thedevilinablackdress · 09/10/2018 14:30

What The Fuck

He is young but needs to grow up yesterday. Missing out on some fun, or feeling embarrassed in front of his mates by cancelling will be nothing compared to loosing his family if he carries in like this.

ilooovechristmas · 09/10/2018 14:30

When he's on his way say 'have a good time mate your bags will be packed when you get back and on the other side of the door, hope it's worth it'

thedevilinablackdress · 09/10/2018 14:31

*losing

ilooovechristmas · 09/10/2018 14:32

I could never ever forgive my DH for leaving me not even a week after having a baby! that's disgusting....

Itsnotabingthingisit · 09/10/2018 14:39

What an absolute wanker.

Don't let him gaslight you, making you believe you are the one that is being unreasonable.

If he cared even one iota about you or his kids he would not be going away. How can his friends let him do this ? do they know his situation?

This should be a relationship ender. Even if he reluctantly stays at home, the fact that he thought this would be a reasonable thing to do tells you all you need to know about this selfish idiot.

PositiveVibez · 09/10/2018 14:42

Cook dinner tonight, get him nice and chilled out and then talk to him about it rather then looking like your going on the attack like “look what I posted on Mumsnet today and they all think your a selfish prick too” as soon as he walks in the door like some people do. Pretend it doesn’t exist when he comes home- then when he’s chilled out bring it up

Yes, put some nice make-up on a dress really pretty. Also, give a blow job while your at it and gently discuss why he is acting this way 🙄

In case you can't tell ^that was sarcastic

Possibly the most 1950s advice I have heard.

roundaboutthetown · 09/10/2018 14:45

Your partner is a fucking twat. He is self-evidently the immature one. He's not liking the reality of responsibility, is he? But to leave someone that vulnerable to get pissed with mates is utterly pathetic.

Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2018 14:49

He's 23, and already has a 2 year old?
A dad since he was 21?
This is not going to end well. OP, I am sorry.
He seems to be loosening the apron strings.

beeefcake · 09/10/2018 15:20

Sorry OP, this relationship does not look like it's going to end well. He's a fucking loser and you deserve better, you may be young but he should realise his priorities changed when he chose to have children.

Missingstreetlife · 09/10/2018 15:24

He is young, lots of people drinking themselves skint and stupid at this age, but probably you are young too and having to deal with it all.
I suggest he talks to his parents for a reality check.
You may feel like leaving him, or not, it's possible eventually he grows up and all ends well. Who knows. He is being an arse.
Certainly let him know how unhappy you are to be abandoned, I hope he never needs your help in an illness accident or surgery.