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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance issue - who is BU?

88 replies

Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:05

Background - ex and I split when son was 18 months. Since then he has him Fri - Mon, I have him in the week. He's 9 now.

Have always had a family based maintenance arrangement. Last year I lived alone and moved to another council house and didn't want to get the internet as felt I was too expensive and as was looking for a house with my boyfriend didn't want to start another contract.

Ex was unhappy about this as son has some homework to do online in the week (I would sometimes go to my mums) and also a wifi only ipad which they communicate via most of the time.

So he increased his maintenance by the £15 a month it would cost for me to get the internet.

Fast forward to now - he has just told me he is going to stop paying the £15 per month extra now as I have just bought a house with my boyfriend and my son has told him that we now have a full Sky TV package and therefore I now don't need him to pay for the internet for our son.

I wasn't expecting it to be honest and its just annoyed me a bit that he's just decided to stop this with no discussion whatsoever.

AIBU in expecting him to carry on paying this?

OP posts:
UserName31456789 · 09/10/2018 13:10

How much is he actually paying now? Who is responsible for buying DS clothes, paying for school trips etc. Since he has DS half the week I guess the maintenance is really to pay for expenses that you're responsible for supplying e.g. school uniform etc.

ThanksHunkyJesus · 09/10/2018 13:10

You were being completely unreasonable. Presumably if he hadn't paid the £15 for your internet you would have had to take your son to the library or something so he could do his homework? He's done you a favour for a specific fixed period of time. Why's he paying you maintenance anyway? If he's got the dc Friday to Monday surely that's 50/50?

PickledChutney · 09/10/2018 13:10

Yes, YABU. He was paying the extra for the internet for his DS to use because you couldn’t afford it. You can clearly afford it now so why should he continue to pay?

HouseOfGoldandBones · 09/10/2018 13:10

I think your ex was, very, reasonable to pay for internet access to allow his (& your) son to be able to complete his homework.

If you now have internet access, why would you expect him to keep paying for it?

flamingofridays · 09/10/2018 13:11

erm, yes YABU.

if you want it done officially go through CMS. If the agreement was that the £15 was for the internet for your son, he no longer needs to provide that if you and bf already have it.

Duckherding · 09/10/2018 13:11

YABU money was given for a set thing, that set thing is no longer being purchased

UserName31456789 · 09/10/2018 13:11

In answer to your question I don't really see why he'd be responsible for paying for you to have internet access - you've bought an entire SKY package which presumably you and your boyfriend use why would your ex be responsible for contributing towards that? So whether or not he pays enough maintenance is a separate issue.

MVLipwig · 09/10/2018 13:12

I think he’s being fair tbh. You were previously happy with the maintenance and chose to cut off how your ex communicates with your son. He had to pay extra so he could talk to him and did so. You are now moving into a house where you are going to pay for internet anyway so excuse doesn’t feel he has to fund the extra as presumably you and your new boyfriend want it for yourself as well as your son. If you’re unhappy with the amount he’s paying for other reasons maybe renegotiate but it seems you were happy before

sue51 · 09/10/2018 13:15

Sorry but I think yabu. He was providing the extra 15 pounds for a reason that is no longer applicable.

CluedoAddict · 09/10/2018 13:22

You are being very unreasonable. If you can afford a house you can afford the £15 he was paying for the Internet.

Guavaf1sh · 09/10/2018 13:26

Why is he paying you maintenance? You should be paying him if he covers most of the childcare

notapizzaeater · 09/10/2018 13:27

Yes you are being unreasonable and cheeky

Original poster
Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:28

He pays maintenance £200 a month now but has mentioned occasionally that I only have him 1 extra night a week and always makes digs that its technically 4 x evenings after school before bed and an hour in the morning - I don't know how much he earns, tbh I've never asked. Oh and that he can't afford to pay for a Sky package so he definitely wont be contributing to mine.

We split costs of uniforms, trips etc. But buy our own clothes/ shoes for each house. He picks him from school fri and drops him Monday so we never need to swap clothes etc.

Maybe I am being unreasonable then - I just got annoyed I think that it was dictated to me rather than asked.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 09/10/2018 13:30

considering you only have him 1 night extra, he is possibly paying you too much anyway! so ya definitely bu.

Fiveletters · 09/10/2018 13:31

I think you have a very good set up at the moment! And yes YABU to think he would still pay.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 09/10/2018 13:34

He has him nearly 50% of the time, he’s probably already paying more than he needs to. Do you really never have your child from Fri-Mon? When do you do anything together?

QuizzlyBear · 09/10/2018 13:35

YADBU. He's very generously provided a means for your son to stay in touch with him that benefitted you (and BF?) also.

Now that you are providing that and more in your new home, you still think he should continue contributing to your bills? Why?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 09/10/2018 13:35

I think you have a good deal out of this and he sounds very generous. If I have this correct: he pays half of costs like uniform etc., has child almost half the time and pays £200 a month. That’s more than fair.

user139328237 · 09/10/2018 13:36

I really don't think the extra cost of food and electricity use for 1 day a week for 1 child comes anywhere near £200 a month so you are doing pretty well for yourself.

HomeMadeMadness · 09/10/2018 13:39

It sounds like he has your son more than you do (considering he's presumably at school during the day) so I'm surprised he pays you any maintenance at all.

GreenLantern53 · 09/10/2018 13:39

yabu. my ex pays £5 a week for 4 kids. your ex is very very reasonable! can we swap?

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2018 13:40

I think YABU. Sorry.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 13:42

I think in the circumstances YABU, he paid for the internet when you couldn’t/didn’t want to, now the house you all live in has the internet so he doesn’t need to pay for it.

It doesn’t sound as if he’s shirking financially in other ways, so I don’t think he’s unreasonable to stop paying for something that isn’t needed any more.

funinthesun18 · 09/10/2018 13:42

Yabu

pinkhorse · 09/10/2018 13:42

Why is he paying you that much?