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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance issue - who is BU?

88 replies

Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:05

Background - ex and I split when son was 18 months. Since then he has him Fri - Mon, I have him in the week. He's 9 now.

Have always had a family based maintenance arrangement. Last year I lived alone and moved to another council house and didn't want to get the internet as felt I was too expensive and as was looking for a house with my boyfriend didn't want to start another contract.

Ex was unhappy about this as son has some homework to do online in the week (I would sometimes go to my mums) and also a wifi only ipad which they communicate via most of the time.

So he increased his maintenance by the £15 a month it would cost for me to get the internet.

Fast forward to now - he has just told me he is going to stop paying the £15 per month extra now as I have just bought a house with my boyfriend and my son has told him that we now have a full Sky TV package and therefore I now don't need him to pay for the internet for our son.

I wasn't expecting it to be honest and its just annoyed me a bit that he's just decided to stop this with no discussion whatsoever.

AIBU in expecting him to carry on paying this?

OP posts:
MQv2 · 09/10/2018 13:44

Christ

You're already mugging him off and you're put out because he won't pay for your internet

Ridiculous

SoupDragon · 09/10/2018 13:44

I agree with the others - YABU. The payment was specifically to cover the internet for your DS and this is no longer required. I don’t see that ther was any discussion to be had really.

Original poster
Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:47

He has a good job and I have son 4 nights and him 3 so I think its unfair to say he shouldn't pay anything.
I can accept I am being unreasonable about the internet but not that he shouldn't pay any maintenance at all!!

Sometimes I keep him Friday night if ex and his wife are going out - but son has a sister there and he always wants to stay with her at stepmums parents house if they are babysitting. And then we come to different arrangements for half term. Tbh the set up has gone on that long now and my son is old enough he always thinks he's hard done by if he gets a night less at his dads as 'I have him 4 nights'

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:48

Also. CMS states he has to pay as it isn't really 50/50 (due to extra night at mine)

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 09/10/2018 13:51

I'm sure if you done the calculator and based on him having 3 nights a week I don't think you'd be anywhere near £200!! I get £170 a month from someone who's never seen my DD and was on £25k at time of assessment.

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 13:52

I don’t think he has to ask you if he can stop paying for a specific service which he knows you no longer need tbh. He was doing you a favour which he was entitled to withdraw, and now has since the money wasn’t needed any more. I also think you’re getting a good deal at £200pm when you only have him one more day per week.

combatbarbie · 09/10/2018 13:56

And if you only have him during the week when do you get "family" time with him and your boyfriend???

Hellohah · 09/10/2018 13:56

I would say that you should be paying him. Weekdays are pretty cheap with kids, they are at school... at the weekends it costs to entertain them, all the school costs he shares.

ArnoldBee · 09/10/2018 13:57

Mmm interesting so it's £50 a week for an extra night per week. I don't think money is the issue it's communication.

Bluntness100 · 09/10/2018 13:59

Yes you're being unreasonable and a bit grabby,

Thank him for stepping in and helping you out when your son needed it and do so gracefully.

TheFairyCaravan · 09/10/2018 14:04

Also. CMS states he has to pay as it isn't really 50/50 (due to extra night at mine)

That doesn’t cost £50 a week though does it? He’s being more than fair to you and tbh you’re not coming across very well.

sue51 · 09/10/2018 14:09

He must be on one hell of a good income to pay £50for one night.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 14:12

He has him 3 nights a week and still lays out?

Lady you don’t know you’re luck.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 14:12

Your not you’re

Defrack · 09/10/2018 14:12

YABU, go through CMS and that will show you what a cheeky fucked you're being.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 14:13

Pays that not lays out!

My stupid phone is at it today.

It should say “he has him 3 nights a week and still pays that. You don’t know your luck”

BeautifulBlue · 09/10/2018 14:15

Op you're a CF. Grabby much! Why in the fuck would he pay your internet? & his paying you to much maintenance. If I was you, I wouldn't rock the boat because you are in a very good position right now.

MrsChristianTrevelyanGrey · 09/10/2018 14:16

I think you are extremely lucky to be getting what you are and don't think he is wrong for not paying for the internet anymore...not often I side with nrp on one of these threads

woolduvet · 09/10/2018 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

woolduvet · 09/10/2018 14:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 14:41

Have had a look on the CMS calculator - and even if I put more than 3 nights ( as 3 nights is minimum and we split most school hols on top) it still says he has to pay!
Though you are right he'd have to be earning like 50k to pay that much and I'm not sure he is. He has another child on the way and will probably change the maintenance then I imagine.

OP posts:
JagerPlease · 09/10/2018 15:01

This is where I think Cms can actually be really unfair on NRPs (not disputing that rates can be very low where NRP barely has the child) - it isn't set up for anything close to 50/50, when in reality one extra night per week doesn't make much difference in cost, certainly not in terms of housing etc, and actually a weekend probably much more expensive!

combatbarbie · 09/10/2018 15:09

You say you think he's on a decent wage, what is decent in your area?? I only ask because you say he can't afford a sky package. And it should be reduced when new baby arrives. I wonder if he will use the calculator this time round.

You also seem to be avoiding the question about how little time you spend with your DS, and when you, DS and your DP get quality time.

Cheby · 09/10/2018 15:17

YAB massively U. To the point that I might consider calling reverse.

PawPawNoodle · 09/10/2018 15:20

I bet you don't contribute to the additional cost of entertaining your son at the weekend given that you're quibbling over the additional night you have with him when he's asleep and then off to school, as if that's some hardship to you.

CMS should have the option to count claims by hours of parental responsibility rather than 'nights'.