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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Maintenance issue - who is BU?

88 replies

Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 13:05

Background - ex and I split when son was 18 months. Since then he has him Fri - Mon, I have him in the week. He's 9 now.

Have always had a family based maintenance arrangement. Last year I lived alone and moved to another council house and didn't want to get the internet as felt I was too expensive and as was looking for a house with my boyfriend didn't want to start another contract.

Ex was unhappy about this as son has some homework to do online in the week (I would sometimes go to my mums) and also a wifi only ipad which they communicate via most of the time.

So he increased his maintenance by the £15 a month it would cost for me to get the internet.

Fast forward to now - he has just told me he is going to stop paying the £15 per month extra now as I have just bought a house with my boyfriend and my son has told him that we now have a full Sky TV package and therefore I now don't need him to pay for the internet for our son.

I wasn't expecting it to be honest and its just annoyed me a bit that he's just decided to stop this with no discussion whatsoever.

AIBU in expecting him to carry on paying this?

OP posts:
sue51 · 09/10/2018 15:24

JagerPlease OP has a private agreement not cms.

Bobbybear10 · 09/10/2018 15:24

So you say he can’t afford a sky package but then say he has a good job, you’re not sure of his income but he has another child on the way?

Either he is so skint he can’t afford Sky or he has a great job and loads of money, which one is it?

You need to plan for when he actually works out how much he is supposed to pay as I think you’ll find it’s a lot less than your getting (if anything at all)

user139328237 · 09/10/2018 15:48

CMS presumes that the resident parent pays for the whole of school uniforms and school trips etc so if he's paying half of that on top of £200 a month he would have to be earning quite a bit more than the £50,000 you think for CMS to ask for his current contribution.

Original poster
Bluesanatomy · 09/10/2018 15:53

@bobbbear10
Either he is so skint he can’t afford Sky or he has a great job and loads of money, which one is it?

He does have a good job - I would guess he earns around 37-40k a year. I don't believe him when he says he can't afford sky. I mean he does have the internet, he just made a comment about not paying for sky in his own house.

I didn't come on here to discuss our care arrangements, only to ask if I was BU about the extra payment. Or to have people question my time with my son which is non of their business.

I see now that I am obviously getting what I should be anyway without the extra £15.

OP posts:
Familyfeud22 · 09/10/2018 15:59

No you're getting far more than what you should be getting Hmm

Celebelly · 09/10/2018 16:06

Tbh a full Sky TV package is expensive. We were on close to, if not more than, £80 a month for phone, broadband and TV (£5 of that was for F1 channel but none of the packs bar entertainment, no sports, no movies, etc.). So I think it's perfectly reasonable that a) he might not be able to/want to afford it (we have two decent incomes and still felt it was way more than we were willing to pay) and b) that he doesn't pay towards it when you obviously no longer need the money.

MyMumDimensionJumps · 09/10/2018 16:17

you are. Why should he pay for your internet? Presumably he covers this when your son is with him. You need to do the same when he is with you.

JeanPagett · 09/10/2018 16:21

I agree, YABU.

It sounds like your ex has been very reasonable about everything and I don't understand why you're annoyed he didn't enter into lengthily discussions with you about it first. Presumably he felt, like a lot of posters, that you were taking the piss and has actually been pretty polite given the circumstances.

Our sky is ludicrously expensive and definitely a luxury item.

YeTalkShiteHen · 09/10/2018 16:26

On maintenance threads 99 times out of 100 I’m with the RP, but OP I think you’re the kind of RP who gets the rest of us labelled badly.

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 09/10/2018 16:29

He has him physically more because of school, you split costs and still get 200 a month? Your ex is being mugged off 😂

Bbbbbbbb2017 · 09/10/2018 16:30

Also it is really unreasonable not to ahve internet access for your son to be able to do homework

Walkingdeadfangirl · 09/10/2018 16:33

He shouldn't be giving you any maintenance, you are taking the piss expecting him to pay for your boyfriends Sky TV.

He should keep DC an extra day every fortnight so care is fully 50:50 and there is no money due.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/10/2018 16:34

He has a good job and I have son 4 nights and him 3 so I think its unfair to say he shouldn't pay anything.
I can accept I am being unreasonable about the internet but not that he shouldn't pay any maintenance at all!!

Well apart from the fact he has them all weekend every weekend and your days are when he is at school technically time wise he does have him more than you.

YABU and quite cheeky expecting him to continue to pay for internet when you have the full sky package.

Hidillyho · 09/10/2018 16:37

I think you were lucky to get it when you did.
You may have him an extra night per week but I think once you factor in that he spends all weekend at his dads and full time at school that he probably has more time actually with him. Although you are probably having to rely on only getting work around school hours (which can be hard finding a 9am - 3pm job). If this is the case then £200 is a reasonable cost per month given that all costs are split evenly.
I agree that if you can afford sky then it does make the £15 internet unnecessary as surely it’s part of your sky package anyway??
I think having other dependants will change the cost if you went through official channels (I don’t think dependants necessarily have to be your own kids, just kids living with you that you provide for, eg step kids - I’m not sure though)

DownAndUnder · 09/10/2018 16:37

Of course kids still cost in the week. Mine is with his dad Friday-Sunday and I still get maintence. Daily bus to school, packed lunch and 2 clubs/activities cost me £50 alone. Then there’s food, school trips, mates parties, the endless replacing stuff they lose/wear out, renting a place with an extra room... I do pay for everything though and send DS to his dads with clothes etc. But yes OP it’s fair enough he’s not paying you the extra £15 anymore.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/10/2018 16:44

I don't believe him when he says he can't afford sky

He probably doesn't believe you when you are complaining about £15 that he was giving you for internet when you can afford a full sky package.

MondayImInLove · 09/10/2018 18:18

So he has him 3 nights a week and all weekend days? And you have him 4 nights but only school days?
And uniforms, holidays etc are split 50/50?

No, he shouldn’t be paying any maintenance. And no he shouldn’t have to «ask» for your permission to stop paying the internet money now that you have internet Hmm
You sound very entitled.

Jimdandy · 09/10/2018 18:21

YADBU - assuming you get the child benefit at least and possibly tax credits on top plus a further £50 a week. So you’re getting at least £70 for 4 nights a week plus half of everything else?!

He’s not your meal ticket!!!

Feefeetrixabelle · 09/10/2018 18:26

He’s definitely overpaying maintenance so I wouldn’t rock the boat too much as he may start paying you what your entitled too.

YouAreMyRain · 09/10/2018 19:55

@Jimdandy good point! @Bluesanatomy also gets child benefit and possible child tax credits too!

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 09/10/2018 20:14

Wow you are so unreasonable. You have him 1 night extra. You are getting a lot for that, and uou moan about £15????

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2018 20:24

You should tell him how annoyed you are at him stopping the £15 a month.

He’ll either agree he should continue to subsidise you and your new partner who can afford to splash the cash on a sky package.

Or, he’ll realise you’re fucking ridiculous, he’s being taken for a ride, and he’ll give you what he legally has to from now on.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 09/10/2018 20:39

Wow I’m gobsmacked you don’t bother to have any quality time with your child at the weekend! Posters are right he’s at school you’re ex utilmately has your child more than he does.

TwiceAsNice22 · 10/10/2018 04:19

I think you are being unreasonable. I get that you didn’t like how he just told you that he wasn’t paying for it anymore. But from his point of view it is probably “My ex was struggling and I wanted to make things easier for our child to get homework done, so I paid for internet at ex’s house. I have now found out that her circumstances have changed for the better and she still expected me to keep paying for internet even though she now has the spare money to upgrade to Sky. She didn’t bother to tell me she no longer needs the extra money from me and is even angry that I’m not paying for her internet now”. You owe him an apology.

There are so many things that ex’s can do to annoy you, but honestly he did you a favour when you needed it. That’s a good thing, more exes should do what they can to make things easier for their kids.

ExFury · 10/10/2018 05:03

He should be paying you maintenance. That’s how it works.

However from that maintenance most NRP’s would expect you to pay all uniforms, shoes, school trips etc.

You were deeply unreasonable to cut your sons ability to do his homework and method of contact with his father without caring how that impacted him.

Unless the only person in the house who ever uses your internet is your son to contact his dad then his father is totally right to stop paying as you’ve been taking the piss out of him really.