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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared custody from birth AIBU?

79 replies

theamitchell · 09/10/2018 09:10

A bit of back-story, i'm expecting my first child due March 2019, i was with the father of my baby until i found out i was pregnant and he broke up with me when i told him, which was really hard for me to deal with. He already has a daughter, the mother of which is not letting him have contact at the moment due to some of his behaviour in the past and involvement with drugs. I want him to have contact with our baby, and would really appreciate his help as he's done this before and i do think he has changed but i still have some issues with trusting him.
When our baby is born i've told him that he can come and visit baby whenever, every day if he wants, to bond and help with care (we live in separate towns about half an hour apart and he works) but he expects joint custody pretty much from the beginning. I don't feel comfortable with passing a baby between us and two different houses at such a young age, babies need consistency. I also want to breastfeed for a while and he says i am using this as an excuse to stop him from having contact which is just not true.
I am happy to share custody but much later on, even now before baby is here i am very upset by the thought of having to be separated from him or her. Am i being unreasonable like he says? and what is a good age for my baby to start living between 2 houses? in my mind anything below 1 years old is too young and even then it will be hard for me :(

OP posts:
CountessVonBoobs · 09/10/2018 09:14

No you are not being unreasonable, and this man sounds like very very bad news. He uses drugs, he manipulates and pressures you, the mother of his other child won't let him see the child. I would minimise your own contact with him as much as possible. I don't think he is good news for you, and there is no need for him to see you or to do more than exchange basic information while you are pregnant. I'm not sure relying on him for "help" is a good idea.

A baby needs to bond with one consistent caregiver. One. Being constantly shuttled between two homes and away from mum would be very bad for them. Yes you should breastfeed if you want to. When baby is very small he can see them for a few hours at a time, that's all that is needed or appropriate.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 09/10/2018 09:14

It doesn't really matter whether you're using it as an excuse or not, if you're breastfeeding then baby will need to be with you 24/7 initially, and then not away from you for very long thereafter. It will not be conducive to 50/50 from birth and there's nothing he can do about that. However, he may well be able to go for it later on, and younger than you would want.

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 09:16

YANBU and no court will expect a newborn baby to be passed between houses, especially as you plan to breastfeed. I would also be wary of him having her if the mother of his other child doesn’t allow contact due to drug concerns.

You need to go through the courts and get access decided that way.

RKSM · 09/10/2018 09:17

You are definitely not being unreasonable imo. My parents split up before I was born and my dad would come and visit me but he didn't have me overnight until I was a year old, which was when my mum stopped breastfeeding. I am very close to both my parents and not staying at his until I was one has had no negative impact on that.

CountessVonBoobs · 09/10/2018 09:17

I wouldn't get ahead of yourself on what will happen down the line. Tell him when baby is born he can have the appropriate access for a newborn and you'll take it from there. I wouldn't be surprised if he never pushes for much more anyway. A lot of men are very gung ho about 50:50 when it's all hypothetical and a nice way to assert their will, and a whole lot less keen when it comes to actually changing nappies, making up bottles, leaving work in time for pickup.

NotANotMan · 09/10/2018 09:19

Umm what the fuck?
You've got a man who isn't allowed to see his older child due to drug issues, who left you when pregnant and who is expecting shared care of a newborn baby and you still want him in your life?
Please believe me - this is far more risk than it's worth. I suggest you outline 3 set contacts per week, no longer than 2 hours, at your home. Do not let him 'help' as he will use the time to harass and bully you.

redwineandcrisps · 09/10/2018 09:20

I was single from pregnancy, to be honest in the early stages I don’t even remember my ex taking Ds out the house without me! Not because I was controlling, but because we never knew when he would need feeding, and if he was upset then it was me as main carer that could soothe him. I would just go upstairs and SLEEP (the holy grail!)

The first 3 months in known as the 4th trimester for a reason, your baby doesn’t realise they aren’t a part of you - they will want you close!

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 09/10/2018 09:20

Be very wary of promising him anything more than you have to.

He's throwing his weight around. You don't have to go along with that.
The baby's needs are central in this.

Are you in the UK?

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2018 09:20

Get legal advice now.

And don't be more accommodating than you need to be.

I bet there's a good reason he doesn't see his other DC

redwineandcrisps · 09/10/2018 09:20

Oh, and Ds dad was a decent man - yours sounds controlling and I would be taking massive warning signs from fact he isn’t allowed to see his other child. You don’t need people like that around your baby!

Keeptrudging · 09/10/2018 09:21

No, this is a really bad idea. Leaving a newborn baby with someone with drug issues is negligent. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate either, this does not sound like a man who you want to give parental responsibility/rights to. His ex won't let him see their DD due to concerns, that would be a major red flag for me.

I'm pretty sure you could find friends/family who are better ecquipped to help you with parenting skills. I would be distancing myself from him, not encouraging daily contact, he sounds like a waster. If he wants contact, let him do it formally, through z solicitor.

Jackshouse · 09/10/2018 09:21

Don’t make any promises that he can come to your house whenever he wants. This is the last thing I would have wanted with a new born.

Aprilislonggone · 09/10/2018 09:22

Incase you think you / your dd will be the ones to transform him a good df....
You won't.
Learn from what his ex has been through before you bizarrely want to hand over your precious baby!
She isn't a mad, crazy, bitter woman who has been keeping his dd from him for no good reason.
Let him seek legal advice and let him see what a judge deems suitable contact after he has been drug tested. If he is as keen as he says /you believe, it won't be a problem will it?

inquiquotiokixul · 09/10/2018 09:23

You are not being unreasonable. If he is a good dad he will want the best for the child, not the best for him. Being passed between two households is not good for newborn babies. No decent parent would want this for their child and if he pushes for it he is not a decent parent, he is being selfish.

It's entirely possible that his main motivation for seeking 50:50 care is that then he doesn't have to provide any child maintenance payments. That is not good enough.

If he puts effort into building a strong loving bond with his child during the first 18 months or so, then the child will probably be OK with an overnight every other weekend from 18 months to age 3, and then move towards more 50:50 care if all is well. Needless to say any continuance of substance abuse or any other irresponsible behaviour and you would be entirely reasonable to stop facilitating contact until you have confidence that your child will be safe. Knowingly handing your child over to a drug user would be willing participation in neglect if the child isn't safe with him, you mustn't do that.

Singlenotsingle · 09/10/2018 09:25

He's causing trouble even before the baby's born. Just a troublemaker! And he can forget shared custody. It would all end in tears, bad for the baby and bad for you.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 09/10/2018 09:26

Don't put him on the birth certificate, then he won't have automatic rights to the child. You may find once he has to fight a legal case that he becomes flaky and won't bother, that's from my own experience.
No court would expect a newborn baby to be taken from it's mother at birth to go and spend time with the father, whether breastfeeding or not. That's your time together to bond.

astoundedgoat · 09/10/2018 09:28

Why do you want anything to do with him?

For the love of GOD don't put him on the birth certificate, and just smile and nod when he talks about 50:50 and DON'T ENGAGE. He has already proven himself to be an unreliable, undesirable shit, and no, he hasn't changed.

When the baby is born no court will take a breastfeeding newborn away from its mother, so you don't have to even contemplate him having 50:50,. The novelty of even visitation will wear off pretty damn fast when he discovers that him being on the scene means he will be paying full maintenance while the baby is 100% resident with you, as it has to be (this is probably why he is pushing for 50:50 anyway).

I really think that you won't see him for dust when the baby is actually born. You have ages to enjoy your pregnancy for now, and the best thing to do for your own peace of mind would be to cut contact completely for now. There is no need for you to speak to or see him.

blackteasplease · 09/10/2018 09:29

I wouldn't even put this man on the birth cert tbh. He sounds bad news. Drugs, a child he can't see, pushing for more than is reasonable. No way.

He shouldn't have y3 baby on its own without you while it's little OP. Just visits on your terms in your home (if you feel safe - have a third person there if you can). If he proves himself then you can step up to more over time, but 50:50 is never a presumption at any age - a parent can't just demand it. The child's interests always come first

WellThisIsShit · 09/10/2018 09:33

What do you want to do? Not him, but you yourself?

Doyoumind · 09/10/2018 09:35

I agree with PPs. Let him do the chasing and taking it to court because he won't get what he wants.

He doesn't sounds like a good dad. He clearly either hasn't fought to see his other daughter or knows there's no point because of his behaviour.

He won't be given overnights by the court for a baby. Breastfeed for as long as you like and don't be bullied out of it.

I'm also a strong believer that young children need one stable home and contact with NRP. 50:50 isn't good for them.

Also, don't say he can come round whenever. You really don't want that. If you are going to let him into your house to see the baby make sure it's at set, agreed times. Don't say things to appease him because it will become a horrible burden for you.

LilMy33 · 09/10/2018 09:41

Honestly? I think you need to distance yourself from this man given his background (drugs, no contact with his older child) and his behaviour now (putting you under pressure, putting his own wants first instead of the baby’s needs).

You say you want his help “because he’s done this before” but the thing is, he’s not doing it now because he fucked up. You’ll get the hang of it all and either way surround yourself with people who actually care about you and your child, not this dickhead who dumped you the second you told him that you’re pregnant.

Thisreallyisafarce · 09/10/2018 09:45

Sod that. Let him go to court and waste his money (if he has any after his drug bill) trying to persuade a judge. That'll take months anyway.

thisisntmeok · 09/10/2018 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thatstheendofmytether · 09/10/2018 09:46

I wonder if this controlling behaviour is another one of the reasons he doesn't get to see his older child, not to mention the drug taking!

LongWalkShortPlank · 09/10/2018 09:48

I'm not sure if anyone has said this yet, but do NOT take him with you to register the baby. Do NOT put him on the birth certificate. I think there is a good reason the mother of his child is keeping him away and he's already trying to manipulate you with the breastfeeding comments. Plus it is ridiculous to think you can 50:50 care a newborn. Don't put him on there. Don't tell him when it is. It can always be added later but jesus cover yourself, I wish I had.

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