Shared custody from birth AIBU?

[theamitchell]

A bit of back-story, i'm expecting my first child due March 2019, i was with the father of my baby until i found out i was pregnant and he broke up with me when i told him, which was really hard for me to deal with. He already has a daughter, the mother of which is not letting him have contact at the moment due to some of his behaviour in the past and involvement with drugs. I want him to have contact with our baby, and would really appreciate his help as he's done this before and i do think he has changed but i still have some issues with trusting him.
When our baby is born i've told him that he can come and visit baby whenever, every day if he wants, to bond and help with care (we live in separate towns about half an hour apart and he works) but he expects joint custody pretty much from the beginning. I don't feel comfortable with passing a baby between us and two different houses at such a young age, babies need consistency. I also want to breastfeed for a while and he says i am using this as an excuse to stop him from having contact which is just not true.
I am happy to share custody but much later on, even now before baby is here i am very upset by the thought of having to be separated from him or her. Am i being unreasonable like he says? and what is a good age for my baby to start living between 2 houses? in my mind anything below 1 years old is too young and even then it will be hard for me :(

I know someone who, like you, said she would feel bad not putting the father on the birth certificate, and tried to facilitate a father-child relationship. Her ex is, on the face of it, more decent than yours (no previous children, good job, educated, no drug or addiction issues) but horribly manipulative, and my friend deeply regrets declaring him as father and allowing contact. She never knows what trick he will pull next. OP, for the good of your baby, get this man out of your life.

Do not put him on the birth certificate! And don't let him have shared residency. You're right, a tiny baby needs it's mother.

So, given his history with his first child, you thought he’d changed enough to have his baby but not enough for him to parent it 50/50.

No I wouldn’t be embracing 50/50 care with this man in these circumstances but why is it such a shock that this is who he is after all the background info you had on him?

YANBU

Ds dad expected ds to stay over every other weekend from when he was a month old he had done some research and found out I could freeze breast milk and pump while ds was with him and he would come and collect fresh milk

Of course once ds was here he totally forgot about that

He is just making threats joint custody is not given for babies it all sounds nice and fluffy the reality is very different, I understand it’s hard to ignore his threats at the moment but please do. I have never known any baby have 50/50 and unless he is really actively involved he won’t get it later either which given his history he is unlikely to be