Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shared custody from birth AIBU?

79 replies

theamitchell · 09/10/2018 09:10

A bit of back-story, i'm expecting my first child due March 2019, i was with the father of my baby until i found out i was pregnant and he broke up with me when i told him, which was really hard for me to deal with. He already has a daughter, the mother of which is not letting him have contact at the moment due to some of his behaviour in the past and involvement with drugs. I want him to have contact with our baby, and would really appreciate his help as he's done this before and i do think he has changed but i still have some issues with trusting him.
When our baby is born i've told him that he can come and visit baby whenever, every day if he wants, to bond and help with care (we live in separate towns about half an hour apart and he works) but he expects joint custody pretty much from the beginning. I don't feel comfortable with passing a baby between us and two different houses at such a young age, babies need consistency. I also want to breastfeed for a while and he says i am using this as an excuse to stop him from having contact which is just not true.
I am happy to share custody but much later on, even now before baby is here i am very upset by the thought of having to be separated from him or her. Am i being unreasonable like he says? and what is a good age for my baby to start living between 2 houses? in my mind anything below 1 years old is too young and even then it will be hard for me :(

OP posts:
Salmakia · 09/10/2018 15:32

Don't put him on the birth certificate. If you do that he can take you to court to push for shared custody (I doubt he would get it while you're breastfeeding but who needs the stress). If and when he proves to be managing his addiction and in proper recovery, not emotionally abusive and controlling it can change. Honestly you need to focus on you and your child not managing his need to take over and rule your life.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 09/10/2018 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PaulDacrreRimsGeese · 09/10/2018 16:05

Lmao wrong thread!

AngelsSins · 09/10/2018 16:05

He’s putting his perceived “rights” ahead of what’s best for the baby - that’s not a sign of a caring father.

Please don’t put him on the birth certificate, and for the love of god, don’t give the baby his name (it’s not traditional no matter what he says, babies get the same name as their mother, it’s just traditionally the mother would be married and would have taken her husbands name).

Branleuse · 09/10/2018 16:12

I have a friend that has never lived with her ex partner, but because she gave him parental responsibility rather than walking away, he has continued to fuck both of their lives up again and again

Please please do not do anything that makes you or your child legally obliged to this guy. Hes already showed many times that he is a headfuck and dodgy. His ex has the measure of him.

SputnikBear · 09/10/2018 16:13

Distance yourself from him. Why do you want him to have contact? He’s a drug addict who is already banned from seeing his existing child, he’s talking about taking your baby away from you pretty much from birth and accusing you of only breastfeeding to inconvenience him. He isn’t capable of caring for a baby and isn’t putting the baby’s needs first. For the safety of your baby, contact is the last thing you should want. Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Make him fight for contact and make sure it’s as little as possible and ideally under supervision. There is no way he would be granted 50/50 custody so don’t let him have it.

thighofrelief · 09/10/2018 16:21

Be very wary about setting your child up for a future with attachment problems. One of my adult DC is still suffering from me trying to be right on and do the right thing. It's very frightening for a pre-verbal child to be moved between carers.

Ffiffime · 09/10/2018 16:22

I agree! Do not put him on the BC. If he takes it to court, it will be added but you’ll also be covered by a proper court order.

By giving him parental responsibility from the start, you are basically allowing him to control your life. He can do what he likes with your child, he can stop you going on holidays and a lot more.

A child an know who it’s father is without being on the certificate. Please don’t be sentimental about this, you know this guy, you know he’s manipulating and controlling, so don’t allow him even more control by putting him on the certificate.

Someone I know was in a similar situation to you. She gave the child his surname, put him the certificate.

He took the child for a few days and refused to return her. She had to get a court order to get the child returned. He causes her almighty issues because he can. He does it out of spite because he doesn’t have the child’s best interests at heart.

Be smart. He still has to pay CMS, nobody says leaving him off the certificate needs to be forever. You can add this at a later date once you’ve developed the trust.

Just be careful and for gods sake don’t give your baby his surname!

thighofrelief · 09/10/2018 16:32

OP move now and cut him off, my adult son's father stayed in his life and has truly been a massive emotional burden. He would have been better off with a photograph for a father.

Butterymuffin · 09/10/2018 16:33

No way would I offer this bloke anything in terms of contact that I didn't have to. He may have 'done it all before' but from the sound of it he wasn't actually there! You'll learn fast and be a better parent than he's ever managed to be. Have confidence in yourself and don't defer to him.

And yes, give the baby your surname. Look at it this way - you could always change it to his surname later if he proved himself an excellent, committed dad. But if he doesn't, and you regret giving the baby his name, you're stuck then as you would need his permission to change it to your surname, and I doubt he'd ever agree to that. Using your name keeps options open.

Starlight345 · 09/10/2018 16:46

Yes to don’t put him on bc. If he proves to be a great dad he can be added now .

Make sure dc have your surname.

Minimise contact . It will give you chance to grow in confidence.

Do not have him at the birth . You will be at your most vulnerable.

Meeting up with other mum is a good idea . Listen carefully.

Your job is to protect this little one .

Starlight345 · 09/10/2018 16:46

Meant to add the court thing is a threat . You can self represent if you need to.

longwayoff · 09/10/2018 18:40

Sorry thea, thats a very bad idea indeed. Listen to everyone on here and take their advice, it will save you and your child a lot of heartache in the future. This man is untrustworthy and a bully. He cannot be trusted to care for a newborn, possibly not any child.Dont do it.

llangennith · 09/10/2018 20:50

Don't put his name on the birth certificate and make sure the child has your surname, not his.
He dumped you as soon as he found out you were pregnant so he clearly isn't interested in being a father, whatever he says. Actions speak louder than words.
Hopefully sometime in the future you'll meet someone who will love you and your child unconditionally.
You can claim maintenance for your child whether or not his name in on the BC.

NurseryFightClub · 09/10/2018 21:04

Imo baby needs consistency and also most of the time a mum is more nuturing to a child than dad. DH and I have been together since both DD and he is a fab dad, but it's only just now at age three that we together would agree she could go away separately from me with DH, whereas DD and I have been away several times with out DH (DH is a shift worker). So I would firmly say yanbu until child is about three years, and then it is dependent upon the parent child bond

astoundedgoat · 10/10/2018 10:08

Thea please listen to what you are being told here by women, many of whom have grim experience of dealing with abusive partners and the heartache that putting a deadbeat father on the birth certificate brings.

NOT putting him on the birth certificate has ZERO impact on your right to claim maintenance.

PUTTING him on the birth certificate gives him full control over your life and your child's life for the next 18 years as he can veto all of our decisions and ask to be consulted on everything you do, from choosing a GP to going on holiday for the next 18 years of your life. And believe me - he will exercise that right to the fullest.

Don't put him on the cert in some misguided attempt to "play nice". There is no playing nice here. He is a bad person, and will inflict harassment and manipulation on you for decades if you give him an INCH.

He has no rights over you or your child. Don't give him any. Let him prove himself to you by providing financial support and acting in the best interests of his child by following your guidance about visitation SLOWLY when the baby is born.

By using threats and intimidation now he is showing you EXACTLY how he intends to treat you and his daughter when she is born. Bluntly put, you have no right to inflict that life on your daughter because you wanted to appease an abuser.

takemeback · 10/10/2018 18:29

Maybe controversial but... if not married can you just not name him on birth certificate

longwayoff · 10/10/2018 18:51

Takemeback. No you cant. If that was possible, people could say anyone had fathered their child.

pitapizzapie · 10/10/2018 18:54

Run!

Move now, and don't put him on the birth certificate.

Run. Now.

He thinks breastfeeding is an inconvenience that stops him calling the shots, rather than a tiny baby's essential nutrition. He is not dad material, don't saddle an innocent child with this twat.

pitapizzapie · 10/10/2018 18:57

longwayoff, of course an unmarried mother can register without the father and leave it blank.

You can also lie (I'm not advocating this!) And any accompanying man can be registered as the father.

A married couple will have the husband automatically recorded as the father, unless the mother says it's someone else.

There's no DNA testing at the registrars.

longwayoff · 10/10/2018 19:24

Sorry takeme, completely misunderstood your post. Pita, thank you for pointing that out.

Banana8080 · 10/10/2018 19:25

Hold that baby close and don’t let him bully you. Small baby belongs with you over anyone else, inc him.

BlueBug45 · 10/10/2018 19:47

OP if he wants to have parental responsibility and be on the birth certificate let him take you to court. He can afford it considering he has a drug habit. However the fact he has no contact with his first child shows you how much he wants your child - he doesn't he just wants to play games with and control you.

@takemeback if you are not married and a straight couple, you must go together to register the child's birth or the father has to go through hassle involving a magistrate/a court.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/10/2018 20:05

Do not agree anything in advance. You do not know how you will feel or what needs your baby will have.

Do not put him on the birth certificate. He cannot make you. I’d make an appointment to register the birth as soon as you can. Don’t tell him until after. Don’t under any circumstances give the baby his last name. You can grant him PR at a later date.

If you can move further away from him I would do so.

He might turn out to be a great dad and shared care will be in your child’s best interests. But what you have said about him suggests that is less likely than not.

Keep him at arms length. You don’t have to engage with him during your pregnancy. Keep it civil. Keep it brief. Just concentrate on you and your baby.

He can of course take you to court. The application will cost him £215 unless he is exempt from charges on account of low income. Save for cases of emergency the first hearing is not until after 6 weeks of issue. He is supposed to seek mediation first. So you will have plenty of time to establish breastfeeding and settle in before he gets in from of the court - even if he bothers to do so.

Good luck. Keep strong. Focus on you and baby.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 11/10/2018 23:23

You’ve been given decent advice and I’d suggest taking it. If you plan to breastfeed there is no reason the baby should be away from you in the first year. Supervised visits are ok but I wouldn’t trust him (from what you’ve written) with any responsibility over your child.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.