Shared custody from birth AIBU?

[theamitchell]

A bit of back-story, i'm expecting my first child due March 2019, i was with the father of my baby until i found out i was pregnant and he broke up with me when i told him, which was really hard for me to deal with. He already has a daughter, the mother of which is not letting him have contact at the moment due to some of his behaviour in the past and involvement with drugs. I want him to have contact with our baby, and would really appreciate his help as he's done this before and i do think he has changed but i still have some issues with trusting him.
When our baby is born i've told him that he can come and visit baby whenever, every day if he wants, to bond and help with care (we live in separate towns about half an hour apart and he works) but he expects joint custody pretty much from the beginning. I don't feel comfortable with passing a baby between us and two different houses at such a young age, babies need consistency. I also want to breastfeed for a while and he says i am using this as an excuse to stop him from having contact which is just not true.
I am happy to share custody but much later on, even now before baby is here i am very upset by the thought of having to be separated from him or her. Am i being unreasonable like he says? and what is a good age for my baby to start living between 2 houses? in my mind anything below 1 years old is too young and even then it will be hard for me :(

Hmm i dont trust him already, sorry but this smells of something fishy.

I dont understand how your using breastfeeding as an excuse . its not exactly un normal for a mother to breastfeed and im sorry but i wouldn't be sharing contact til at least 3 years old.. doubt he could even look after a baby to be honest, you need to make sure he can before he does. you know.. seeing him change a nappy, look after the baby etc, does he not realize it will mean sleepless nights most likely.

Just dont do it. Especially if drugs have been in his pass.

Tell him you have no need for an "excuse" - it's entirely appropriate to limit contact to what is in the baby's interests, which have to come first;
so he can have contact in accordance with what you say, take it or leave it. If he doesn't like it, he'll have to take it to court: they certainly won't sympathise with him.

He is being wildly unreasonable. I suspect he'll actually be less keen on sleepless nights with a newborn as a reality than as an idea and a way to control you, but obviously you can't rely on that. I also wouldn't rely entirely on the breastfeeding as feeling like you'll be separated from your child if you don't breastfeed is going to make any difficulties establishing breastfeeding, even ones that you actually manage to work through, feel catastrophic. The fact is that regardless of how the baby is fed long periods, including overnight, are not in the baby's best interests and that needs to be your consistent position.

You say he’s done it before but was he on drugs at the time?

I bet if you contacted the mother of his child you’d get a very different picture of how much he did for his first child as a baby.

Don’t let him play you. This could all just be a fun game for him, playing with your emotions and hopes for your new baby. Making demands and seeing you twist yourself in knots about it.

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, don’t engage.

Do you know his child’s mother by the way? Have you contacted her or considered having sibling meet ups? Every situation is personal but I know a couple of women who are very close to their half sisters because the mums built the relationship (feckless dads) so it could be an avenue worth exploring. Makes you less vulnerable to his tactics I should imagine.

New-born babies form a primary bond and attachment to one parent. The other parent, in order to maximise the quality of the relationship with the baby, should initially spend time with the baby as frequently as possible for short periods of time in the presence of the primary carer. This means that the baby feels secure because of the presence of the primary carer but will also become familiar with the other parent. Eventually a sufficient relationship will build between the baby and the other parent to enable them to spend time together without the primary carer being present. At this stage, optimal time with the baby would be approximately one hour a day every day.

As children reach approximately two years of age, they are able to spend several hours away from their primary carer. At about this age, they can tolerate spending the night with the other parent away from the primary carer. No more than one night at a time should be spent away from the primary carer unless the child is already accustomed to this as any more time apart is likely to lead to separation anxiety. The single night away from the primary carer can take place a couple of times a week, but not in succession.

As the child reaches school age, they can usually tolerate a number of nights away from the primary carer. In many instances, a child will tolerate an equal time arrangement based around a cycle of three days on/four days off cycle with each parent.

As children reach approximately ten years of age, they tend to cope well with shared care of approximately "week about"(seven days on/seven days off).

Posted from here

Any chance you could move hundreds of miles from the father OP?

Do not put him on the birth certificate, if he wants on it or to formalise contact arrangements he can take you to court (which he won’t do because he’s a waste of space, he will threaten it but guarantee he won’t do it)

I bet if you contacted the mother of his child you’d get a very different picture of how much he did for his first child as a baby.

Yes - the very fact that he thinks that joint custody is appropriate for a newborn suggests that he wasn't terribly involved with his last one!

Do NOT do it. I wouldn't anyway, let alone when his ex doesn't deem him responsible enough to see his other child due to awful behaviour.

I looked back at your OP in case I'd missed some of your ex's redeeming features, even a glimmer of something positive about him. Nothing. What I'm sensing is your scared you won't manage by yourself. You will, and can. It's easier by yourself than trying to deal with a controlling ex.

At the moment, your baby isn't born. You're looking into the future and imagining. The moment your baby is here, and you're holding your precious newborn in your arms, the last thing you're going to want to do is hand them over to some unreliable, druggy, toxic, headfucky loser.

*you're

How would he even care for a newborn 3/4 days a week? Doesn't he work? Just ignore him, there's no way he's going to be wanting to have sole care of a newborn.

Give your baby your surname.

Do you want him back, OP? The fact that you're even considering such a blatantly unreasonable request and the fact that you've said he can come round every day (when I'd be questioning him as a parent already based on the fact that his ex doesn't trust him near her child AND the fact that he dumped you when he found out you were pregnant) ... It really seems like you might be being TOO nice to him? And maybe that you want him back and think that by doing whatever he wants, he might come back? That's jumping to conclusions I know, but I can't think of another reason why you'd even be considering his unreasonable requests. I'd be moving as far away as possible, like a PP said.

Yes, move now when he can't stop you. It might be possible to stop you once baby is born, or at least compel you to do all the transport.

Thanks so much for all of your responses, you've given me some great advice and a lot to think about. I posted this because i wanted to see other peoples opinions and he makes me feel crazy and unreasonable, and uses my struggle with mental health against me. He is a manipulative person that i have always given into, i believe that he has had a hold over me and when we were together i would have done anything for him, he would not have done the same for me. However i would feel really bad if i didn't put his name on the birth certificate, the baby is most certainly his and if he's not then he won't have to pay maintenance?
I am definitely going to think about a set contact agreement rather than allowing him to come over whenever and drop in and out as he pleases. I have been in contact with the mother of his first child to see if we can meet up and talk about things, gain some insight and advice from her about him and their situation.
I would really like to avoid court action which he has threatened me with many times but in reality he would not be able to afford it and neither would i without having to ask my family for help which i would also like to avoid.
He tells me often that his drug use is in the past but i have trust issues with this and would want to supervise his contact anyway to make sure of this. I still want to have contact because i think it would be nice for my baby to have their father in their life, not for any other reason.
I am in the UK for the person that asked that question.

However i would feel really bad if i didn't put his name on the birth certificate, the baby is most certainly his and if he's not then he won't have to pay maintenance?

Not true, you can still pursue him through the CMS for maintenance if he isn't on the BC, and if he denies paternity he will have to take a DNA test. Not putting him on the BC isn't about denying he's the father, it's about protecting both yourself and your child from the damage this man could do with his parental responsibility.

I'm going to speak to you bluntly. You're a mother now. It's time to get over "feeling bad" for this man and start stepping up and protecting your child from him. He can take care of himself.

You need firm boundaries from the start.

If he's not on the BC he will still have to pay maintenance but he won't have parental responsibility. Therefore if he decides to abduct her you could call the police and have her returned, which you couldn't if he had PR.
Most fathers are not a risk for such a thing but some are. Bear it in mind.

If you allow him to go on the birth certificate, that's giving him parental responsibility that he'd otherwise not be able to get unless he got a court order. Were you aware of this?

If you're worried about how well he'll be able to parent and him taking her away from you, then I'm sorry but you'd be a fucking idiot to put him on the birth certificate. I'm being blunt for a reason.

If you don't put him on the birth certificate, he does not have a legal right to make the big decisions e.g. medical care, choice of school, where you live, whether you're allowed to take your child on holiday. If he's on the birth certificate, you are giving him an awful lot of control, when he sounds controlling/emotionally abusive already. There are many people on here who could give examples of how it's given them an ongoing nightmare.

He lost any right to be on the birth certificate, be at the birth, give the child his surname or dictate your lives when he walked out on you when you were pregnant.

He will still have to pay maintenance whether he's on the birth certificate or not. As far as him taking you to court, how hard did he fight to get to see his other child? I suspect, not at all. He's a deadbeat, and if you don't make up your mind that your child's/your stability and safety is your priority rather than your ex's feelings, you're setting your child up for a lifetime of broken promises/missed contact/possible emotional abuse.

I'm speaking from experience, btw. If I'd known when I had my DS how bad things could be, I'd have cut contact at the start, rather than bending over backwards so DS had a dad in his life. It seriously wasn't worth it, and now DS is an adult, he very rarely contacts his Dad.

Your child's interests come first. Not his ego. Not what is most convinient for him.

Just reread your post about him making you feel crazy and unreasonable. I think you should look on the relationships board. Read the buser profiles and why does he do that.

Not trusting him isn't having 'trust issues', it's a sensible reaction to the known facts.

However i would feel really bad if i didn't put his name on the birth certificate, the baby is most certainly his and if he's not then he won't have to pay maintenance?

If you're not married it's not as simple as just putting his name on the birth certificate - he would need to accompany you to the registrar appointment.

I strongly advise you do not put his name on the birth certificate, and give your child your surname. You will be the most important person in your child's life, and you need to step up and be responsible for them from day one. If that means getting contact agreed through the court, so be it.

Don't even think about putting him on the birth certificate. That's the first rule. Having parental responsibility means they have all manner of ways to torment and harass you. Don't include him in anything and don't tell him when the baby is born. Regard him as an unwanted stranger. Don't underestimate the amount of pain and unpleasantness these so called fathers can cause. It's another form of control. Keep yourself off the radar from now on. No contact whatsoever.

no no no, in fact dont even put him on the birth certificate unless you want to be seriously tied down to a deadbeat wanker for the next 18 years telling you where you can and cant live or go on holiday.