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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH and childcare aibu?

100 replies

Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:20

My OH works full time but has a day off in the week. When I went back to work part time after having DS we decided one of the days I’d work would be his day off so he could look after DS ( who is now 1).

My OH switched to nights, no idea why as it’s been a nightmare, he sleeps all day, goes to the gym and then goes to work so hardly sees us. I’ve asked him to switch back but he won’t.

On his days off he tends to sleep all day also. He does his hobby 5/6 times a week still too. He competes in triathlons to quite a high level. I like that he has a hobby but he seems to get resentful if I suggest he cuts down training time to spend time with me or DS.

In the meantime DS has been going to childcare one extra am, so he can have a lie in.

But upon his suggestion this has stopped, to go to original plan but now it has stopped, he’s angry and complaining as the day he’s off his sleeping and training are crucial so he can’t look after a child all day.

I’ve told him if he wants DS back in childcare he has to pay for it.

I’m getting pretty tired of his one sided approach to parenting aibu?

OP posts:
MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 08:21

He sounds like a selfish crap dad. What do you still see in him?

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2018 08:22

hold on who pays for childcare at the moment

He is being completely unreasonable - he has a child its not negotiable about the fact that he needs to pull his weight

MsHopey · 09/10/2018 08:23

Not sure what you can do if he's not going to step up.
It does sound like he's doing almost everything possible to have life how he wants it and acting like taking care if his own child is a massive inconvenience.
I'm not sure what you can do if he's not going to have a massive change of heart for no reason.
Nights are a pain but it does seem like he chose to go on to them to avoid family life (DH has only ever worked nights for the extra money, they're terrible for time together).

Glumglowworm · 09/10/2018 08:23

Being a parent is pretty crucial too! When does he fit that in?

Kemer2018 · 09/10/2018 08:24

No yanbu.
It's a common occurence 🙄
Yes he should pay for the childcare if he wants his free time whilst you work.
My partner was breath takingly selfish and i was an sahm. I would not have tolerated it if i had worked at that time.

Veterinari · 09/10/2018 08:24

Ask him why is it your responsibility to be default childcare provider?
Maybe get him to consider the hours you do in terms of work and childcare vs what he does and also your leisure hours vs his. Then ask him to calculate a fair division.

He should quickly see that he’s going to have to cut back on his training. Yes it sucks, but that what he signed up for when he became a parent.

welshweasel · 09/10/2018 08:24

He needs to step up and start parenting. Life doesn’t just carry on as normal once you’ve got kids. I used to do a lot of triathlons, I did an Ironman the year before I had DS. Unsurprisingly I’ve not managed to replicate this since having him! You should both get the same amount of free time for whatever hobbies you wish to pursue and he should definitely be doing childcare on his day off!

greendale17 · 09/10/2018 08:27

If he works nights, let’s say 10pm-6am when do you suggest he sleeps then?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:30

At the moment I pay for childcare. But he pays the rent and bills. So that’s even.

I used to compete too but don’t get to the the gym anymore I’d like to but whenever I ask, his training is more important than mine.

He sees childcare as my job. And has recently told me he feels I’m neglecting him. Apprently I have a bad attitude because I expect him to look after his own childHmm

I’ve tried to reason with him, talk about hours. His argument never changes. He works and needs to train. So I need to examine my self and what I’m asking of him.

OP posts:
LongSummerDays · 09/10/2018 08:31

He switched to nights after OP went back to work and has refused to switch back.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:32

His hours are 1am till about 11am in the days he works... he comes home and sleeps straight away then gets up at 6 pm and goes to the gym( his choice) and is back home by 10/10.30 pm he eats then sleeps a bit more before he goes to work..

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:33

He switched to nights because it was better for his training schedule...

OP posts:
Walkerbean16 · 09/10/2018 08:35

so when does he see you or your child?

MrTrebus · 09/10/2018 08:37

Really genuinely you wouldn't be missing out on anything and you'd probably be a lot happier if you LTB

MrsMozart · 09/10/2018 08:41

So what do you get out of the relationship OP?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:42

@walkerbean16

On the days I work about 15 minutes whilst I come in and he goes out. On days I don’t for a bit before he goes to bed and on days off it depends when he gets up.

So not much really. But if I mention it it’s an issue, if I suggest not going to the gym when he’s training for a comp it’s an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:43

@MrsMozart honestly I’m not sure anymore.

I don’t expect him to give up his interests but we have a child now. Surely our child should be the priority ?

OP posts:
pitterpatterrain · 09/10/2018 08:44

I’m not really sure what to say if he can’t see that his schedule is ridiculous

Do you see a future with him?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:46

Not sure

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 09/10/2018 08:47

So he has actually changed his work schedule to see his child less / do less around the house/ participate in family life less?

I'm not one to bandy about "LTB" but this man is not only a terrible father, he is actually blaming you???

Get rid.

choli · 09/10/2018 08:49

Before you started TTC did you discuss things like division of childcare and the changes to time management that it would entail? Is he reneging on what was agreed?

Returnofthesmileybar · 09/10/2018 08:51

Oh switched to nights, I have no idea why then you go on to answer yourself with sleeps all day, goes to work, goes to the gym and hardly sees us - you realise he purposely changed his shift to avoid ye, check out of family life and live like a single teenager right? He sounds fucking pathetic

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:52

So now me suggesting he pay for childcare Monday am is an issue too Angry

OP posts:
CaptSkippy · 09/10/2018 08:53

He is a selfish POS. He leaves you to do all the work while he lives it up.

theWarOnPeace · 09/10/2018 08:57

Unbelievable, and I suppose you do all of the cooking, cleaning, and all drop offs and pick ups? He’s having a laugh, and has the audacity to give you a hard time for “neglecting him”?! You’d be better off financially and childcare wise without him I reckon.