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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH and childcare aibu?

100 replies

Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:20

My OH works full time but has a day off in the week. When I went back to work part time after having DS we decided one of the days I’d work would be his day off so he could look after DS ( who is now 1).

My OH switched to nights, no idea why as it’s been a nightmare, he sleeps all day, goes to the gym and then goes to work so hardly sees us. I’ve asked him to switch back but he won’t.

On his days off he tends to sleep all day also. He does his hobby 5/6 times a week still too. He competes in triathlons to quite a high level. I like that he has a hobby but he seems to get resentful if I suggest he cuts down training time to spend time with me or DS.

In the meantime DS has been going to childcare one extra am, so he can have a lie in.

But upon his suggestion this has stopped, to go to original plan but now it has stopped, he’s angry and complaining as the day he’s off his sleeping and training are crucial so he can’t look after a child all day.

I’ve told him if he wants DS back in childcare he has to pay for it.

I’m getting pretty tired of his one sided approach to parenting aibu?

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 09/10/2018 12:39

Ok how it should be is that finances are pooled bills paid and a equal amount of spends each
Training time pooled and an equal time each
Chores pooled and shared fairly
Parenting shared fairly

He does none of that at all.

Go to your mums and dont look back. He will either step up to being a father to your DS or he wont. But staying wont make him

bubbles092 · 09/10/2018 12:40

He is only thinking about himself! People like that really irate me.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 12:42

Have that row then.

He changed the agreement over childcare. So he bears the cost.

If he wants a lie-in and time to train, he pays for it.

I mean, it's monumentally selfish anyway, to do that - put his son in extra childcare just so he can sleep and do a hobby he already has time to do. But that's a separate issue.

Make him pay for and arrange the extra childcare if he wants it.

Long term, leave him.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 12:45

Well if you're going to have a row, surely you present it as "DC needs childcare and you're not working. Not my problem to solve. Cunt." (you can leave the last bit out if you like)

Does he make any prize or sponsorship money from his triathlons?

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 12:45

I mean - if he wants it his way (you pay the extra childcare) then it needs to go like this:

All money from both of you in the same pot.
All bills paid from that pot (childcare, rent, bills, food, any child expenses etc)
Leftover money split equally 50-50 to each of you.

I expect he doesn't fancy that and wants to keep his money to himself. In which case he needs to "buy" his extra childcare/leisure time from his own money.

What an arsehole, honestly.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2018 12:47

A row because we need to sort out DS childcare for his day off.

To be honest, HE needs to sort it out, but from what you've said, he's making it your problem.

Remind him that he is your DC's father, not a babysitter and he is not acting like any kind of parent, let alone a good one.

As mentioned by someone else, mention that you'd have more time for him if he stepped up more. But more importantly, you'd actually have some time for YOU.

You should not have to sacrifice everything. This is totally unfair.

I would seriously think about moving back to your home town.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 12:49

He makes prize money sometimes.

Have tried the baby sitter thing. But again childcare doesn’t seem to be his problem.

OP posts:
stepmummamumma · 09/10/2018 12:56

If you were to move closer to home, and he paid child maintenance and he had custody every week/every other week, would you be better off? It seems that you are a single mother already and by splitting you might be financially in a better position? You would also get time to yourself as I am assuming he would have your child a few days in the month, and you would have the support of your Mum...I would really be considering my options...

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 09/10/2018 12:57

He is breathtakingly selfish. You really do need to leave.

Uncreative · 09/10/2018 13:10

You are already a single parent. You have a flat mate, not a relationship.

Run the numbers based on your salary and shared custody. Tell him that he can shape up or ship out and have to pay for childcare 50% of the time.

Jamiefraserskilt · 09/10/2018 13:16

Your child is not a jigsaw to be stuffed away or left until he has time.
Being busy is not about lack of time but about how you use it.
And he feels neglected? Diddums.
When are you supposed to pour all your attention into him? During the whole fifteen minutes a day he deigns to allocate you?
If he chose to work nights, he needs to adapt. Sleeping 12pm to 6pm, four hours out, more sleep, that is bollocks.
His son will only be little for a short time and he is choosing work and training over being a father and supportive partner. Of course your son is pleased to see him and will continue to be so. You do the drudge. You will do the discipline, you will do the appointments, school events and performances....alone. Disney dad will sweep in full of giggles and tickles when it suits him.
He made the decision to change his work to suit his hobby.
He made the decision to not look after his son on his day off.
He can pay for that decision if he wants to bin off his lad. Not your decision, his. He stands to lose a lot more than a competition and a bit of sleep.
Go to your mums. He probably won't notice until the loo roll needs changing.
Asshat.

IDoLoveToBeBesideTheSeaside · 09/10/2018 13:17

Look at how much it would cost to move back to your home town and live on your own near your mum.

2doubles · 09/10/2018 13:25

OMG what a selfish prick he is. Just get rid, seriously, he adds nothing but stress and aggro to your life.

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/10/2018 13:29

What is your housing situation? Do you own or rent? I wouldn't waste anymore time arguing with him. He's not going to
Spontaneously see the light and realise he's behaving like a dick. He wants everything to stay exactly as it is, his only motivation is to get you to shut up and let him get on with it.

Is your mum supportive? Can you speak to her and discuss the option of going home? I really can't see the point in dragging this out, you'd be better off getting you and your son set up independently sooner rather than later.

gamerchick · 09/10/2018 13:29

Ask him what splitting up looks like because ultimately this is where he's heading. This man has little attachment and will find it easy to leave if he fancies it.

Sort out all your documents and whatnot first though and make arrangements to go to your mother's if you can if he doesn't give you the answer needed to save your relationship.

It does sound as if you would be better off on your own. The bairns young enough not to feel the wrench and you then have a chance to find someone who doesn't treat you with contempt and take you for granted.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/10/2018 13:41

Honestly OP this will just get worse. You are providing housekeeping, nanny and other services free of charge to someone who doesn't value you or care about his own child beyond the odd bit of performance parenting. You are also taking the career hit from mat leave and bearing all the parental responsibilities.

Meanwhile he keeps "his" money because you don't pool resources and share the surplus cash/leisure time (which is part and parcel of an equable relationship).

gamerchick is right. Get yourself sorted out. Its hard to see what you are getting out of this and you need to prioritise yourself over this spoilt manchild.

He can still have a relationship with his son but he will need to make a tiny amount of effort. If he isn't willing to do that much is he really fit to be a father?

LucyMorningStar · 09/10/2018 13:44

He clearly doesn't love you or your child. What is there to stay for?

Ballbags · 09/10/2018 13:45

His schedule sounds utterly miserable for all concerned. There's no way I would put up with that.

JeanPagett · 09/10/2018 13:46

I think you need to give serious thought to what your life would look like if you separated and consider whether you wouldn't be better off without him.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 09/10/2018 14:47

Or. Without any further discussion, just go to work on that day and let him sort it out?

choli · 09/10/2018 17:01

One of OP's big mistakes was the way household expenses are divided - now her DP thinks she is locked in to paying for all child care, when it should be divided 50/50. As it stands, she is responsible for all baby-related expenses, and that suits him fine. It may be hard to change that at this stage in the relationship.

I would cut my losses and leave.

Thebluedog · 09/10/2018 17:10

I think the poster who suggested colour co-ordinating all the jobs, work, childcare and hobby for you both and presenting this to him, so he has a graphical representation of just how fucking unreasonable he is being might be an idea. After this, if he still refuses id seriously consider moving back towards your Mum, I can’t actually see what you get out of the relationship at the moment or future if nothing changes.

TulipsInBloom1 · 09/10/2018 17:42

In the short term I would be up and out the house like a shot the moment he walks in at 11am. He can do 4/5 hours of kids/housework/cooking like most normal people do after their working day. Dont be there to facilitate his ridiculous gym sessions.

In the long term I would leave. Do you want your son to grow up thinking thus is how dads/boyfriends/husbands behave?

Veterinari · 10/10/2018 08:30

I agree with PP

You need to list/colour-coordinate all the jobs and present it to him and ask whether he thinks that is a fair division.

I’d also want to know WHY childcare and housework are your responsibility? Does his penis prevent him from being a functioning adult? What is the reason these are your responsibilities by default?

He’d certainly have to arrange housework and childcare if he sees your DS as a single parent so that might be worth him considering!

Veterinari · 10/10/2018 08:32

On a deeper level though, he is showing you very clearly that he doesn't Give a shit about you or your son.

You both rate lower than the gym in terms of his priorities.
I couldn’t stay with him knowing that.

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