Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH and childcare aibu?

100 replies

Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:20

My OH works full time but has a day off in the week. When I went back to work part time after having DS we decided one of the days I’d work would be his day off so he could look after DS ( who is now 1).

My OH switched to nights, no idea why as it’s been a nightmare, he sleeps all day, goes to the gym and then goes to work so hardly sees us. I’ve asked him to switch back but he won’t.

On his days off he tends to sleep all day also. He does his hobby 5/6 times a week still too. He competes in triathlons to quite a high level. I like that he has a hobby but he seems to get resentful if I suggest he cuts down training time to spend time with me or DS.

In the meantime DS has been going to childcare one extra am, so he can have a lie in.

But upon his suggestion this has stopped, to go to original plan but now it has stopped, he’s angry and complaining as the day he’s off his sleeping and training are crucial so he can’t look after a child all day.

I’ve told him if he wants DS back in childcare he has to pay for it.

I’m getting pretty tired of his one sided approach to parenting aibu?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 09:59

Get your ducks in a row about how life would be if you moved out. Go from there.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/10/2018 10:03

So he wanted kids but now you have one he has deliberately changed work and keeps up with his hobby, avoiding your child for all but a few hours a week? Hoe much time a week does he actually spend with him? Why does he think it's down solely to you to look after him?

Sorry it sounds like you're already a single parent. I still can't believe he swapped shifts to see his kid less. Maybe parenthood isn't what he thought it would be but if that's the case he needs to talk to you and try and find a way of managing it together.

He is so far away from being reasonable that I'm not sure you will change his mind. You could try writing it all down - like a timetable for the week for both of you. Work, childcare, house stuff and free / hobby time all in a different colour. When he sees it all laid before him he will hopefully see how little time he spends with his kid compared to you and how much time he has for hobbies, and therefore how he's the one being neglectful. I'd be asking him to explain how that's fair.

I'm not sure if you split up you'd notice much difference

Tahani · 09/10/2018 10:03

he won’t pool finances right, so you have a child together, but he he won’t pool finances - yeah he sounds like a real catch

does he do any housework? or is that your job too?

Eliza9917 · 09/10/2018 10:04

@Belle1616 Tue 09-Oct-18 08:30:14
I used to compete too but don’t get to the the gym anymore I’d like to but whenever I ask, his training is more important than mine.

He sees childcare as my job. And has recently told me he feels I’m neglecting him. Apprently I have a bad attitude because I expect him to look after his own child Hmm

I’ve tried to reason with him, talk about hours. His argument never changes. He works and needs to train. So I need to examine my self and what I’m asking of him.

Examine your life and leave him. You'll be better off. But if you don't, DO NOT have another kid with him, whatever you do.

Eliza9917 · 09/10/2018 10:14

Belle1616 Tue 09-Oct-18 09:54:18
No we aren’t married. But financially we are about equal. But he earns a lot more than I do so he spends apt more than me as he won’t pool finances. He pays rent and bills. I pay childcare and shopping.

So he doesn't pay out any more than he would if he was single? He's worked this out so that having a family doesn't cost him time wise or financially.

Plus DS is so happy when he sees him..

Your DS would probably see him a lot more if you had a court order...

whycantyouusethephone · 09/10/2018 10:19

If you stay , you stay with full knowledge that this is it. As others have said you are a housekeeper and nanny to him. Either make peace with that, or leave. The only other option is flogging the dead horse that is hoping he will change and resentment building whilst you do that.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/10/2018 10:26

You be better off leaving him now ds Is so young. You can make a happy home with just the 2 of you without the stress and housework created by your partner.

Oh and you can’t be neglecting him as he would actually have to be around you to do that and as it reads that when you’re home he out or sleeping.

Wherearemycarkeys · 09/10/2018 10:27

I'd literally consider leaving him for being such a crap selfish parent and partner.

StormTreader · 09/10/2018 10:33

"I used to compete too"

So why the hell has yours had to completely stop so he can luxuriate in either bed or at the gym? In fact, why the hell is he at a gym AN HOUR AWAY? Unless you live on an oil rig, there are gyms less than an hour away he could go to.

RedBlu · 09/10/2018 10:43

Right so, he wanted to start a family but now the baby is here, he has deliberately (and I am assuming without discussing it with you) changed his shift pattern to effectively avoid seeing you or his baby?

So he is working all night, asleep for most of the day and then using any spare time to go to the gym and you see him for about 15 minutes?

No, fuck that. That isn't on and I would not stand for that. He is effectively cutting you and the baby out of his life and acting like a single person.

I can't believe that he changed his shifts with no discussion and to suit a hobby, with total disregard for his family.

One of my neighbours had a baby a few months ago and what is happening to you seems very similar to her situation. Since the baby arrived her husband has changed his working pattern to do early mornings or late nights, goes to the gym every day, goes out with his mates after work and basically does all he can to avoid coming home. She acts like it is all fine but I have overheard her on the phone to her mum and it's not and it's heartbreaking.

I don't get why men do this, they want the baby but they don't want the responsibility.

If my DP acted like that, we wouldn't be together.

If you are unhappy, leave. I don't see him changing his selfish ways.

Fewminmostly · 09/10/2018 10:45

This post is so familiar to me. A lot of men seem to be SFs when baby comes. And lots of women keep putting up with it so why wouldn't they keep taking the absolute piss. My main concern in this is the blatant avoidance of your DS and you. How cruel and disrespectful. Being a LF isn't unusual and can often be sorted. Mum's still -in 2018 !- show DS that women do all the childcare and domestic duties and work and that it's expected 🙄 You can either be honest that you are going to put up with it for another 10 years all the while becoming bitter and resentful, or leave. I personally wouldn't waste another day of my life. He will have a shock when it's his weekend with DS but hopefully that will give him the opportunity to build a bond with his child.

HollowTalk · 09/10/2018 10:51

This man is completely and utterly selfish in every possible way. You need to get out, OP.

Olderbyaminute · 09/10/2018 11:21

Get the fuck out of here-are you serious? Your partner is behaving so poorly and yet you tolerate it? He makes a major change in work schedule without consulting you and he trains in the time off he has and wants to spend zero time with you or your son? Of course the child is happy he finally sees his father once in a blue moon! I would get the hell out and get on with with my life

Mommasoph30 · 09/10/2018 11:21

Leave you do it all anyway X

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/10/2018 11:26

He sounds incredibly selfish.

You're basically a single parent with 2 children (one of whom is old enough to know better).

I would be seriously considering the future of this relationship (for God's sake don't get pregnant again.) I just don't think I could stay with someone who was so inconsiderate, but that's up to you.

But you are so NOT out of order asking him to step up. Asking him to be a parent to HIS OWN CHILD or asking him to pay for childcare because HE WANTS A LIE-IN.

Do not let him turn this back on you.

Failingat40 · 09/10/2018 11:37

Wow his life really hasn't changed has it?

He has ticked the box - Have child ✅ but that is all.

He purposely changed to nights so he ultimately has more time to himself, you do realise that don't you?
He may have got a slight increase in pay in doing so, do you see any of that?

I'm afraid this relationship is a ticking time bomb, it's just a matter of time before he leaves you in the lurch completely.

He's only paying rent and bills, which he'd have to pay whether he was single or not anyway. You are paying all the childcare and shopping which is an extra cost.

I wouldn't be able to put up with this. If he's good with the baby get up and leave them together for at least a weekend and let his feel how isolated he feels without getting all his free time at the gym.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 12:14

I know there will be a big row today. It’s hard to reason with someone who won’t see any other point of view. I know I’m a single parent in reality. It’s just a rubbish situation.

Worst part is I feel bad, and I often wonder if it is my fault or feel like I’m
The unreasonable one...

OP posts:
DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 09/10/2018 12:17

How can you be financially equal if he earns much more than you?

He sounds utterly utterly awful.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2018 12:22

Why a row?

Let him carry on quietly sort yourself out and when you're ready, leave.

What RL support do you have?

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2018 12:24

leave and walk away you are a single parent now away and the guilt will go

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 12:26

Worst part is I feel bad, and I often wonder if it is my fault or feel like I’m The unreasonable one...

That's your female socialisation kicking in: be nice, help others, be a good partner, be a good mother.

Your DP's male socialisation has taught him it's OK to have what he wants, when he wants it, because a woman will let him.

Kick the traces, OP. You can raise your son better alone. Either he changes radically and puts his family first, or you have to put yourself and your DS first and leave.

Merryoldgoat · 09/10/2018 12:27

It’s not your fault, but you have made and continue to make bad decisions.

The reality is that nothing about him says he would’ve been a good parent/partner.

You should leave him. You probably won’t, if the Relationship board is anything to go by, but you should.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 12:28

A row because we need to sort out DS childcare for his day off. I said he needs to pay for it, which he thinks is a stupid suggestion. That he doesn’t earn that much. And I wouldn’t be asking if he was due to work that day. So I think he expects me to pay for it.

I have my mum, she lives a couple of hours away though. But I am considering moving back to my home town.

OP posts:
DelurkingAJ · 09/10/2018 12:37

Very gently, OP, good Dads are not like this. My DH played serious club cricket before we had our DCs (so out at 10 and back at 8, often both Saturday and Sunday). Since we had DC he hasn’t played because, to quote DH ‘it would be bloody unfair to leave you with DSs and I wouldn’t get to see them properly’. He may well go back to Sunday cricket once DSs are self sufficient but we, his family, are his priority.

As you know, your DP is being selfish (and presumably spending the difference in what he earns and you do on his hobby?). Assuming he’s not going to make money doing it he needs to get a grip and grow up!

SuperMonster · 09/10/2018 12:38

Urgh what an absolute whopper!
Please just leave him (and I never say this lightly)
His life hasn't change one jot since having a child. You are basically a single parent so why not just do it - do you! He can pay maintenance for his son then and may even spend more time with him who knows!