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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH and childcare aibu?

100 replies

Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 08:20

My OH works full time but has a day off in the week. When I went back to work part time after having DS we decided one of the days I’d work would be his day off so he could look after DS ( who is now 1).

My OH switched to nights, no idea why as it’s been a nightmare, he sleeps all day, goes to the gym and then goes to work so hardly sees us. I’ve asked him to switch back but he won’t.

On his days off he tends to sleep all day also. He does his hobby 5/6 times a week still too. He competes in triathlons to quite a high level. I like that he has a hobby but he seems to get resentful if I suggest he cuts down training time to spend time with me or DS.

In the meantime DS has been going to childcare one extra am, so he can have a lie in.

But upon his suggestion this has stopped, to go to original plan but now it has stopped, he’s angry and complaining as the day he’s off his sleeping and training are crucial so he can’t look after a child all day.

I’ve told him if he wants DS back in childcare he has to pay for it.

I’m getting pretty tired of his one sided approach to parenting aibu?

OP posts:
Thebluedog · 09/10/2018 08:57

WTAF!!! He does no childcare, spends no time with his family, puts his child into childcare so he can do his hobby, his training comes before yours- well actually it sounds like you don’t do your hobby anymore as a result of his attitude and he has the nerve to say YOU are neglecting him - I’m actually flabbergasted!

C8H10N4O2 · 09/10/2018 08:58

He sees childcare as my job.

Is he referring to your (pl) son or himself?

Feellikeimthemaid · 09/10/2018 08:58

His training is more important than mine. He sees childcare as my job. And has recently told me he feels I’m neglecting him. Apprently I have a bad attitude because I expect him to look after his own child

What a sexist pig! This could actually be my DH you're talking about though. My DDs are teenagers now, but all through our married life DH's hobbies have taken precedence (golf for most of the time, but recently motorbiking). He would think nothing of being out 6-8 hours both Saturday and Sunday playing golf while I was left with the children. Mine hasn't changed. In my experience once a selfish git, always a selfish git. If you've talked this through with him and he isn't willing to change, then maybe it's time to be frank with him and say it's not an equal partnership and you're not getting anything out of it any more. I wish I'd done that years ago.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/10/2018 09:00

Before you started TTC did you discuss things like division of childcare and the changes to time management that it would entail? Is he reneging on what was agreed?

She probably didn't think to ask him 'so, when we have a baby are you going to change your hours specifically to avoid actually interacting with our child?', because who the hell would?!

Topseyt · 09/10/2018 09:00

Does he even realise that your child is his child too. He seems to have forgotten (conveniently perhaps) that he is the other parent.

I'd be reminding him of this fact in no uncertain terms. Then he could shape up or ship out.

user1486915549 · 09/10/2018 09:02

He goes to the gym for 4 to 4 and a half hours every day !!?
Why did he want to have a child ? ( or a wife quite honestly)
I couldn’t be bothered to live with a man who preferred to pretend he was still single.

MessyBun247 · 09/10/2018 09:02

Oh my God he’s a useless twat. Would you not be happier without him? Without the feeling of being let down all the time? He does absolutely fuck all anyway so it’s not like you’d miss out on any help.

kaytee87 · 09/10/2018 09:04

Honestly just leave him. You may as well be a single mother anyway.
He's selfish and a pathetic excuse for a father. He's showing you nothing but contempt, he doesn't even like you.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 09:04

No I didn’t discuss before TTC because he was always banging on about how much he wanted kids so I thought he’d be a good dad.

I do all the cooking, laundry and most of the cleaning occasionally he might do something but not often.

I do all drop offs, he used to do pick ups but he sleeps now so I do it. He did pick him up on Monday afternoon and have the afternoon with him until I got home then is off out again.

OP posts:
Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 09/10/2018 09:04

I can't even....

This isn't a happy home life for you or a child. I think you know what you need to do. But be prepared that if you leave, you will be the sole parent to your child. He won't bother.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2018 09:05

He's left you. He just happens to still be living in the same house.

Sorry OP. He won't change

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 09:05

He’s at the gym for 2 hours but the journey there takes an hour either side.

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 09/10/2018 09:09

He's not in a relationship is he Belle ? He has a live-in housekeeper and nanny with benefits.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/10/2018 09:12

He’s at the gym for 2 hours but the journey there takes an hour either side.

You what? Who the hell does a two hour daily commute to the gym?! As people have said the hope of getting him to see he's being unreasonable seems remote, so instead I just hope this thread makes you see how far from normal this is - I imagine living with it makes it seem less mad than it really is.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 09:13

It takes an hour to get to his gym!?!

He’s selfish. He’s happy to put it ALL on you, not just the childcare and housework, but also the responsibility for your relationship.

Fuck that.

Better men are out there. I’d give him a serious ultimatum, just in case he’s not realised what a Grade A prick he’s being. But I’d not stick around long if he carried on putting himself first.

Tahani · 09/10/2018 09:15

so what exactly do you get from this relationship ? seriously, so he's at the gym for 4 hours with the travel time?

he's a selfish arsehole

ChristmasFluff · 09/10/2018 09:19

You are a single parent.

Why not make that official?

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 09:22

I know I need to leave but it’s hard. I’m
An idiot as I still keep hoping that things will get better.

Plus DS is so happy when he sees him..

OP posts:
HiHoToffee · 09/10/2018 09:24

This is not a relationship, he has checked out completely. He is using you as a cleaner, cook, nanny, housekeeper with the bonus of sex.

You and DS will be better off without him taking up time and space, sorry. You deserve so much better.

NoSquirrels · 09/10/2018 09:26

Your DS will still see him - if he’s a half decent father and human being.

It is hard. But if he won’t change...

What sort of relationship do you want your DS to see growing up?

LisaSimpsonsbff · 09/10/2018 09:26

Plus DS is so happy when he sees him..

Well sure he is, because this man is a virtual stranger to him and seeing him is a rare treat! Really, that makes it worse - when DS is pleased to see you do you think 'must find a way to put him in nursery during my non-working hours so I can go the gym?'. No, like most parents you are pleased to see him too!

Morgan12 · 09/10/2018 09:27

He is so selfish. I feel like he isn't putting your child first and that in itself is why I would leave if I were you.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 09/10/2018 09:47

Are you married, OP ? Because you're making financial sacrifices to raise yours and your OH's child, when he seems, - er shall we say

  • uncommitted to parenting, at the very least.

You need to protect yourself - if you split, unmarried, you'd have very little, and it looks as though he hasn't realised what being a parent is.

Original poster
Belle1616 · 09/10/2018 09:54

No we aren’t married. But financially we are about equal. But he earns a lot more than I do so he spends apt more than me as he won’t pool finances. He pays rent and bills. I pay childcare and shopping.

OP posts:
jay55 · 09/10/2018 09:55

If he did his share you’d have a lot more time for him. He is neglecting you and your child and the consequence is you have no time to give him. But as far as he’s concerned he shouldn’t do anything and you should magically make a day have 30 hours in it.

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