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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents behaviour was not normal

111 replies

Delightedly · 09/10/2018 06:40

I'm trying for a baby and it's dredged up loads of feelings about my parents and how they behaved to me in the past.

When I was a teenager I had appendicitis and told my parents that I thought I had appendicitis. They didn't believe me and went out for the day leaving me home alone, in pain and not able to eat or drink. I eventually called 111 and got an out of hours gp appointment which my sister drove me to when she got home from work. Anyway I did have appendicitis and it was close to bursting. The anaesthetist seemed shocked that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for two days.

My sister eventually got hold of my parents and they came to the hospital a few hours after I was admitted. When I was discharged, in pain and just wanting to finally have a shower and get into my own bed they stopped to do the food shopping on the way back!

It was this incident (among others) which cemented my belief that I can't rely on my parents for anything. If I'd listened to them and tried to sleep it off as they suggested it could have been so much worse. Surely this isn't normal behaviour from them? Surely most parents would take their child to the doctor's if they said they thought they had appendicitis? It wasn't as if I was a drama queen.

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 06:45

YANBU, they definitely shouldn’t have done that. I’ve had appendicitis and the pain is beyond belief - they should have accepted when you said it wasn’t normal.

Was this a one off or did they often behave this way? If the former I would be more inclined to accept it as an unfortunate lapse of judgment. If the latter, then it does suggest they weren’t the most engaged or supportive parents.

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 06:45

I thought I'd feel better writing that out but I don't. If anything I'm more annoyed with them. I know my mum was upset by what happened and doesn't like talking about it but I feel like it's the one incident where her unfavourable and uncaring behaviour towards me compared to my siblings almost had real consequences (for her) and that's why she doesn't like talking about it.

OP posts:
LotsToThinkOf · 09/10/2018 06:47

That's definitely not normal behaviour, that's terrible! They sound neglectful and I think most people would feel the same. Parents are allowed to misjudge situations sometimes but to stop and do the food shop on the way home is disgusting behaviour!

What's your relationship with them like now? I wouldn't be allowing them to have any alone time with my DC because they are irresponsible.

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 06:48

Sorry, I crossposted AuntBeastie. This was the only time their actions had real physical consequence but they were never very "nice" to me. Basically once I became a teenager i feel like they stopped seeing me as a child to be cared for. They wouldn't give me lifts places whilst my siblings were taken everywhere, demanded excessive housework from me compared to my siblings and just generally didn't seem to love me very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 06:53

LotsToThinkOf I speak to them fairly regularly but it's not a close relationship. I live very far away so don't see them often. My husband is great to me and has really helped build up my self esteem and sense of what a normal loving relationship should be like.

They're excited about the possibility of grandchildren but the more I explore my feelings about them the more concerned I am about their relationship with my future children and also my own ability to parent properly.

OP posts:
AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 06:55

That’s so sad OP Sad you aren’t at all unreasonable to be questioning why they behaved that way. I think it would be totally fair for you to firmly control the interactions they have with your future DC since you know they can’t be trusted to be fair and reasonable

oldgimmer78 · 09/10/2018 06:56

If my child told me they thought they had appendicitis in all honesty I wouldn't rush to the doctor. If they were in severe pain yes, but I would not rely on their suspected diagnosis as a teen.

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 06:57

And don’t worry about your own parenting - you have a high level of self-awareness, you won’t do the same to your own children Flowers

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 06:58

If my child told me they thought they had appendicitis in all honesty I wouldn't rush to the doctor.

But I expect you wouldn’t go out for the day, leaving them in pain and unable to eat or drink?

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 06:59

agree, stomach ache, which turned out to be appendicitis. how would they know, and did you perhaps live a long way from the shops that the food shopping needed to be done.
you are coming across as immature.
remembering these events as a slight against you.
try and remember the good times op. dont be melancholic

BouleBaker · 09/10/2018 07:00

It sounds like they treated your siblings very differently, was that true as your siblings grew up. Your experience sounds horrible and the fact you are starting to really talk about it will hurt. You are aware of how it feels though, so are in the best possible position to make sure it doesn’t happen to your children.

KitandPup · 09/10/2018 07:02

That sounds shit OP Flowers

Have you ever asked them about it to hear their justification? That depends on if you feel able to based on how you think they'd react I guess.

I just wondered if it would help. My late mum was a bit crap tbh. I never discussed it with her because I knew it wouldn't go down well but now in retrospect I can see she had a lot of things in her own life going on that probably contributed to it. Doesn't change anything but I feel more accepting of it now.

florenceheadache · 09/10/2018 07:02

I worked for 30 years in a small village hospital, and I’d have to say it’s not uncommon for parents to underestimate childrens pain levels. Especially broken bones. I don’t find this upsetting, but you do that’s what matters.

saoirse31 · 09/10/2018 07:09

Hard to know really from the one example. Both underestimating your pain and stopping for food, could be totally reasonable from their point of view, not saying it is, just saying it could be. Many parents have a default approach of reacting to child's complaint of pain by saying, you'll be grand, not in neglectful way, more in no you can't stay home from school, distracting from what seems minor to them etc. Food - again could be totally reasonable or not.

However, if you were treated very differently than your siblings then yes, that does sound as if there was something wrong...

BooMare · 09/10/2018 07:09

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BendAndLoft · 09/10/2018 07:10

I’m a bit godsmacked by an above comment saying they behaved ok?!

If my child were in severe pain, not eating or drinking for 24hrs+ there is no way they’d have time to make a diagnosis as I would have already called 111.

Op your parents were dicks. It’s not you, it’s them. But don’t worry about your potential to parent, you are not them and you’ll be better (but not perfect, no mum’s perfect Wink so don’t put that pressure on yourself either) good luck with ttc Flowers

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 07:13

I've not discussed it with my mum, she shuts down and tells me not to talk about it if I mention it.

We lived close enough to the shops, maybe ten minutes drive.

I wasn't actually in that much pain, yes it hurt quite a lot but my main concerns were the inability to eat or drink without vomitting plus the fact the pain was worse when I pressed my lower right stomach.

I do feel that they favoured (and still do favour) my younger siblings. I feel like in their eyes I grew up and became an adult when I was still just a young teenager whereas my siblings remain perpetual children to be cared for.

I'm probably being overdramatic. It wasn't that bad but I do think it's affected my relationship with them and my outlook on life in general.

OP posts:
changehere · 09/10/2018 07:15

Honestly, OP, the appendicitis story is familiar and one I have heard from several good parents as it’s not always easy to judge whether a pain is serious or not. So yes, that’s a perfectly normal mistake to me.

Upslidedown · 09/10/2018 07:18

The facts of the event don't actually matter that much. What matters is that their behaviour left OP feeling hurt and her mum refuses to discuss that. That's incredibly hurtful.

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 07:20

probably your parents feel very guilty for the appendicitis therefore wont discuss it.

Gigglebrain · 09/10/2018 07:21

So your dc is ill, vomiting, and not eating or drinking, and you go out for the the whole day? No, you don’t, and those of you who are saying it is easy to mistake appendicitis, maybe it is, but you still don’t leave your child at home in that state all day.
So your child is feeling very sorry for themselves, having been in hospital, probably very tired, you stop on the way back to do your food shopping, no, you don’t, you go home, get them comfortable, and then go back to the shops. I don’t believe any of you would do otherwise. Op, YANBU.

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 07:28

How old were you?

where were they going for the day?

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 07:28

what is your relationship like now?

what do you want to do with it?

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 07:30

you say your mum is upset about the event and doesnt like talking about it, that shows she knows it was wrong op. They made a mistake. You dont have to beat them up forever.

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 07:30

Some people on AIBU will do any amount of mental gymnastics to make it seem like the OP Is being unreasonable but I truly don’t think any of them actually think it’s ok to leave a child who is in pain, vomiting, and can’t eat or drink alone all day, and I don’t believe they would do this to their own kids unless they are neglectful.

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