To think parents behaviour was not normal

[Delightedly]

I'm trying for a baby and it's dredged up loads of feelings about my parents and how they behaved to me in the past.

When I was a teenager I had appendicitis and told my parents that I thought I had appendicitis. They didn't believe me and went out for the day leaving me home alone, in pain and not able to eat or drink. I eventually called 111 and got an out of hours gp appointment which my sister drove me to when she got home from work. Anyway I did have appendicitis and it was close to bursting. The anaesthetist seemed shocked that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for two days.

My sister eventually got hold of my parents and they came to the hospital a few hours after I was admitted. When I was discharged, in pain and just wanting to finally have a shower and get into my own bed they stopped to do the food shopping on the way back!

It was this incident (among others) which cemented my belief that I can't rely on my parents for anything. If I'd listened to them and tried to sleep it off as they suggested it could have been so much worse. Surely this isn't normal behaviour from them? Surely most parents would take their child to the doctor's if they said they thought they had appendicitis? It wasn't as if I was a drama queen.

My parents were neglectful in a similar way OP - I think it's hard for people who haven't been in that sort of situation to understand quite what it's like. Every individual incident seems minor but add them all up and there is a horrible pattern telling you over and over that you just don't matter - that you can't rely on them in any way. There is a world of difference between parents who genuinely make the wrong call and feel really bad about it (it's easily done and doesn't make you a bad parent) and parents who seem to wilfully ignore their children and punish them for being an inconvenience (that's how I would see the trip the shops - a message that your inconvenient illness wasn't going to get in the way of what they wanted to do). It's almost like they resent your very existence and while they would never express that openly because it would make them monsters they let you know it, all the time, in hundreds of different ways.

Yanbu, OP.

It sounds as if it wasn't this incident alone that has made you question their parenting.

My parents tended to the "man up" way of doing things and often invalidated my feelings, thoughts, pain and sometimes even my memories! It has made it hard for me to trust my own feelings/ thoughts in adulthood.

As PP have said, there's no way to change the past. It happened.

But it is possible to unlearn unhelpful ways of relating to oneself and choose healthier options. So for example I'm learning to take notice when I'm in pain or need to rest, instead of denying those messages.

In the end I realised that my parents only parented out of what they had experienced themselves, and they still tend to repress and ignore their own pains and negative emotions. Which is sad, but not for me to change!

Their grandparenting wasn't hugely different from their parenting.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that they may not change, but you have become aware, and it is possible to reject old, unhealthy ways of relating.

Take care

Your parents dared to go out for the day and leave their late-teenage dqughter at home. You happened to suffer appendicitis, your sis was able to take caee of you and your parents rushed to your bedside as soon as they knew.
Grow the fuck up

I don’t really think it’s fair to say ‘Grow up’, but why are you focussing on this so much?

I relate to this. One of my issues is that my parents never sourght medical attention for me... I live in fear of being like my parents because they weren’t that bad and do care about me. It still left me feeling unloved and had long term health implications.

I think the key is when you make a mistake as a parent to apologise and explain how you will try not to do it again so that the child doesn’t feel unloved or that it’s somehow their fault. I can’t be the perfect parent and beating myself up/guilt ridden for every parenting fail doesn’t help my kids either. So I a) do my level best b) cut myself some slack when I get it wrong c) teach my kids I’m fallible. That I love them but sometimes get it wrong and it’s not their fault when that happens.

Hmm the fact that OP has replied several times since she was first asked how old she was leads me to believe she was an older teen.
I do agree actually that I wouldn't ring constantly or every hour or so to check on a teen with a stomach ache...then again I don't have a teenager so maybe I would!

I was once given some advice which has worked well for me - 'nothing can be achieved by dwelling on the past since we are unable to go back and change it. Instead, be determined to live a full and happy life in spite of past events and look forward to the future.'

I wish you all the best.

Sparklyfee and Bianca I don’t think anyone mentioned calling every hour or constantly and the OP said they went out for the day and then didn’t arrive at the hospital for several hours after the sister got back from work. I don’t understand why your so eager to pretzel your view of events onto the OPs story to fit your viewpoint.

And Silverysurfer it's great that that advice worked for you but it doesn’t work for everyone, which is why many people suffer from low self esteem and trauma. Not saying that’s the case with OP but she might not find it easy especially if her parents are still behaving in the same way reinforcing the message that she doesn’t really count.

Anyway I hope OP you won’t take the ‘get a grip messages’ too personally. Not sure whether these people lack the empathy gene or parent in a similar way to yours but blimey some of them are vicious in how they have replied. I’m not going to keep replying to them as I get the feeling they’ll go on forever but good luck with ttc and be careful not to let your parents continue to make you feel unimportant. .

Cutie sorry but where have I don't that? With the limited information OP has given us, many people, myself included, have given their POV. The situation varies massively depending on circumstances. The calling every hour was in reference to a PP who mentioned calling regularly and checking in and I even said that perhaps I would call every hour. I don't have a teen so I don't know exactly how I would act or feel as a parent in these situations.

This was not a one off but a pattern? You said it was one of many incidents. Pregnancy and actually having your baby can bring up horrid feelings if you have been neglected as child (I had the same)

Please make sure you have plenty of support and help for the first few months when your baby is born, if your parents have form for not caring this is unlikely to change. So be sure to set your expectations low and plan to be independent of their help.

The great thing about being a parent is you can leave their shit parenting behind you and enjoy parenting your baby well, read and learn everything you can so you can be competent and loving and do it your way.

You don't need them now, you will soon have a family of your own, so cut the emotional ties and let the past go. You have a brand new beginning to look forward to

PS I too was left with the same problem and couldn't stand up. I know how awful it is to be left in that situation op. Most people do not know the terror of being an emergency case on your own as a child.

All very avoidable if they had cared enough and take the time to check you were okay and sought a doctor.

A neglectful parenting is often invisible to the outside world and can make you feel even more alone and scared as child.