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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think parents behaviour was not normal

111 replies

Delightedly · 09/10/2018 06:40

I'm trying for a baby and it's dredged up loads of feelings about my parents and how they behaved to me in the past.

When I was a teenager I had appendicitis and told my parents that I thought I had appendicitis. They didn't believe me and went out for the day leaving me home alone, in pain and not able to eat or drink. I eventually called 111 and got an out of hours gp appointment which my sister drove me to when she got home from work. Anyway I did have appendicitis and it was close to bursting. The anaesthetist seemed shocked that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for two days.

My sister eventually got hold of my parents and they came to the hospital a few hours after I was admitted. When I was discharged, in pain and just wanting to finally have a shower and get into my own bed they stopped to do the food shopping on the way back!

It was this incident (among others) which cemented my belief that I can't rely on my parents for anything. If I'd listened to them and tried to sleep it off as they suggested it could have been so much worse. Surely this isn't normal behaviour from them? Surely most parents would take their child to the doctor's if they said they thought they had appendicitis? It wasn't as if I was a drama queen.

OP posts:
MyCatIsBonkers · 09/10/2018 07:35

YANBU

I experienced the same from my parents. One time we were on holiday and I had food poisoning (didn't know that at the time). I was in agony and begging for my parents to get a doctor. But they left me in the caravan on my own and went out for the day. I've never forgotten how frightened and abandoned I felt. I also have lots of other examples and haven't had any contact with them for years.

LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 07:37

I would do something physical whenever you feel this way op, go for a jog, mow the lawn, knead bread, something to get it out of you

Jakethekid · 09/10/2018 07:40

You say your sister took you to try hospital. I presume this is an older sister? What is her relationship with your parents like?

What your parents did was quite selfish and uncaring I think and I understand why you feel the way you do now, especially as you are trying for a child and thinking about how you would wish for your child to be raised. You say your mum doesn't want to talk about it. What does your dad say?

LolaPickle · 09/10/2018 07:41

YANBU. I had similar.

One time when i was a young teen, i was rushed into hospital for an operation and stayed in for over a week...and my mother didn't visit once....despite the fact she worked in the exact same hospital - - and would have had to walk past the doors to the ward i was on twice a day, to get to her department

I will never understand it

Jakethekid · 09/10/2018 07:41

The* not try. Sorry

CaMePlaitPas · 09/10/2018 07:47

When you have your own children OP you'll realise that sometimes you too as a parent make errors of judgement. I too suggestion counselling so you can find peace and move on.

CaMePlaitPas · 09/10/2018 07:48

suggest that should say!

Oliversmumsarmy · 09/10/2018 07:48

agree, stomach ache, which turned out to be appendicitis. how would they know, and did you perhaps live a long way from the shops that the food shopping needed to be done

It wasn’t just stomach ache though and if my dc were suffering from stomach ache and had vomited everything in the last 24 hours I would get an emergency doctors appointment not go out for the day expecting a child to “sleep it off”

Equally if you have a child who has just come out of hospital after having an operation then the priority would be to get them home not take them not to go hanging around in a supermarket.

I worry about some people that they can’t see what should be done until someone else steps in

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 07:49

Jakethekid that sister feels the same way as me, that as the elder children we were less favoured. She has a similar relationship with my parents as I do, we get on but don't feel like their children if that makes sense.

Lola and MyCat that's awful, it feels bad to be let down by your parents when you could really use their support.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 09/10/2018 07:50

This reply has been deleted

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LolaPickle · 09/10/2018 07:50

OH and when I was pregnant, my parents went on an unplanned holiday, on my due date, t hen when they came back they were too busy to come and meet her - just to add they live a five minute walk away

My mother is very much the type that she likes to look good on paper, but at the end of the day she won't help anyone in any situation if it will in the slightest inconvenience her. I could write a book on this stuff.

No parents evenings were ever attended by her, not one.

There were accidents requiring emergency hospital treatment at school, and she wouldn't attend

I think the main thing I have got from this, is what type of parent I DON'T want to be

lovetherisingsun · 09/10/2018 07:51

I honestly think some posters come on to AIBU to deliberately make an OP feel as shit as possible. It's like they have nothing better to do with their nasty little miserable lives so like to take it out on people seeking advice on a public forum.

OP, you are not BU. I had rosetinted glasses about my parents when I was younger, and it's only since trying for and subsequently having children that I cannot believe some of the things they, especially my mum, did. She also doesn't want to talk about it (mostly because she knows some of what she did was absolutely awful and is too embarrassed/narcassistic to deal with the consequences of a daughter affected even now by her actions).

BiscuitDrama · 09/10/2018 07:53

How long ago was it? Just thinking it may not be that long ago.

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 07:53

CaMePlaitPas I agree on the errors of judgement but it's the way you handle it. My family is all about towing the line, no confrontation etc. So these things never get worked out. I think it's unhealthy.

OP posts:
Powerbunting · 09/10/2018 07:54

Ok says the pain wasn't that bad. So we are left with a teen with belly ache and loss of appetite. Not unusual

How old were you op? 13 or 19 makes a difference.

You have a choice how much you want this sort of thing to affect you long term. Fwiw it seems the sort of mistake many parents have made - underestimating the severity of illness of their child. And the fear of what might have been eats them up.

AntiHop · 09/10/2018 07:58

@CherryPavlova maybe she meant the previous incarnation before 111 that must have been around for 20 years. Called NHS 24 or something.

AuntBeastie · 09/10/2018 08:01

Appendicitis can be incredibly severe and even fatal if not dealt with timeously. Sounds like some PPs could do with a refresher lesson if they would all go out for the day and leave their kids with pain that goes away when pressed, vomiting and loss of appetite. These are textbook symptoms of a serious illness, and you should be alive to them.

Observatorycrest · 09/10/2018 08:01

Oh my word I am looking forward to my DC coming onto MN to discuss my failings as a parent. Those who have children usually know when there DC are ill however my DD who is a teenager is always moaning about having a sore tummy or a headache usually on swimming day at school. I would do the usual checks and would keep her off if ill. I wouldn’t feel the need to stay at home all day if she had a sore tummy but would if I thought she needed me to be there. I would keep in touch over the phone. In truth becoming a parent for me made me reflect more on my mothers lack of parenting and physical abuse not her inability to spot appendicitis.....

PillowOfSociety · 09/10/2018 08:02

OP, our own motherhood (including the planning) stirs up all sorts of things about our own childhood and relationship to parents, especially mothers, IME.

Any parent can make a ‘wrong call’ but in the context of favouritism it takes on a particular currency.

Have you talked it over with your sister, the one who took you to hospital?

I wonder whether by the time they get to a youngest / younger child they delegated some parenting to the oldest?

I am an oldest child, and I think I was more spoilt to begin with, and by the time my youngest sister was born they seemed stressed and rattled all the time.

Your feelings of being the less favoured child are not unreasonable.

But AIBU is a terrible place to discuss sensitive emotional issues! Try Relationships.

twattymctwatterson · 09/10/2018 08:03

Power it wasn't loss of appetite. The op has stated she couldn't eat or drink without vomiting. Would you leave your D.C. like that and go out for the day? Sometimes I feel like people deliberately mis-read ops posts in order to fit their own narrative

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 09/10/2018 08:04

I have similar parents op. They never did anything that put me in physical harm like yours, but they were the great on paper useless in reality type. When I had DC everything in me screamed that I should keep them at a distance. Circumstances meant that we didn't see them very often, so that helped. Eventually my mother decided she couldn't be bothered with us anymore and cut us off for a year. They're really shocked that strangely I wont rush into the DC seeing them now my mother has changed her mind. Until we get a proper apology and acknowledgement its not happening.

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 08:11

Observatorycrest the abuse you suffered does not invalidate my experience.

OP posts:
LittleBookofCalm · 09/10/2018 08:13

do something positive with the feelings op.

EBearhug · 09/10/2018 08:14

Ok says the pain wasn't that bad. So we are left with a teen with belly ache and loss of appetite

And not drinking. I would be pretty concerned about someone who was unable to take in fluids for a couple of days.

My mother blocked all discussion on certain subjects. She would never admit she was wrong, so by not talking about it, she never had to do that. I had 4 years of counselling after she died. Counselling can be helpful when you are ready for it. You probably can't change your parents (I would never have had the emotional strength to confront my mother and try and make her discuss it,) but talking about it all with someone else did help me. Or you can just accept they made some decisions which seemed unreasonable then and now, and that younger children seemed more favoured and focus on other stuff in your life - you can't change how they brought you up unless you have a time machine.

Original poster
Delightedly · 09/10/2018 08:17

EBearhug that's quite succinctly put and you're right. At the end of the day I just need to accept it and move on by whatever means I can. I think it's just planning what I want my own family to be like has dredged all this up.

OP posts: