To think parents behaviour was not normal

[Delightedly]

I'm trying for a baby and it's dredged up loads of feelings about my parents and how they behaved to me in the past.

When I was a teenager I had appendicitis and told my parents that I thought I had appendicitis. They didn't believe me and went out for the day leaving me home alone, in pain and not able to eat or drink. I eventually called 111 and got an out of hours gp appointment which my sister drove me to when she got home from work. Anyway I did have appendicitis and it was close to bursting. The anaesthetist seemed shocked that I hadn't eaten or drunk anything for two days.

My sister eventually got hold of my parents and they came to the hospital a few hours after I was admitted. When I was discharged, in pain and just wanting to finally have a shower and get into my own bed they stopped to do the food shopping on the way back!

It was this incident (among others) which cemented my belief that I can't rely on my parents for anything. If I'd listened to them and tried to sleep it off as they suggested it could have been so much worse. Surely this isn't normal behaviour from them? Surely most parents would take their child to the doctor's if they said they thought they had appendicitis? It wasn't as if I was a drama queen.

OP have you told us how old you were? Sorry I'm using the app and it's rubbish so doesn't refresh very well.
If you were a young teen then I think that is different to an older teen. For example, when I was 16/17 my parents probably wouldn't have known how much I ate or drank in a day. I would be at school or various activities or occasionally hung over. If I told them that I was sick every time I ate or drank, they would think I was exaggerating. Especially if there wasn't much pain.
When they left you for the day, was it to go to work? As an employer I would be slightly annoyed if one of my staff took the day off because their 16/17 yo had, what appeared to be a tummy ache. And as a parent, you're faced with a potential loss of earnings or using up a holiday day which you're saving for emergencies.
I think the food shop sounds like the icing on the cake here. That's just very poor judgement. But again, the older generation (at least those I know) have a 'man up' attitude. So youve been to the doctors, all sorted now, back to business as usual, the world keeps turning, people still need to be fed etc. I'm not saying that it's right, but it's true from my experience.

I hope you find peace with this OP. Remember that all parents make mistakes.

@Biancadelriosback completely agree.

The OP said she wasn't in much pain. As she rang 111 and says she's no longer a teenager and is now married, moved away etc etc she must've been late teens.

111 was only launched 4 years ago

111 was only launched 4 years ago OP may have been referring to the old NHS Direct phone line which I'm pretty sure started about 15-20 years ago.

Bottom line you maybe worried about turning into mother.

You won't.

You sound very self aware.

Let all the old crap go.

You will also decided exactly how much contact your children will have with their gps

Now fill your life with good stuff.

I think @jamiefraserskilt has it spot on.

OP, you can't change what happened in your childhood and you probably can't change your parents' reaction to it now, either. You're never likely to get what you want from them. What's important now is what you have mentioned, the future of your child.

This was something that worried me too as my parents were pretty shit, to be honest. I knew I wanted to do things differently but wasn't sure I'd be able to. Luckily enough, I took what I'd learned NOT to do from them and I think it's really helping. I know my relationship with my child is completely different to mine with my parents and I really feel we've dodged a bullet.

Furthermore, I was also worried about their grandparenting but, as so many people say, they are completely different with my daughter and are in fact excellent grandparents. They would never admit to any parenting failings of their own but I'm pretty sure that they prefer the way I do things with my daughter.

My mother was also one of those who wouldn't give you a day off unless you were really dying. The result was that I was quite badly injured in my early thirties, but the whole 'mustn't make a fuss about nothing' attitude was so deeply ingrained that I didn't seek medical help. I didn't realise the extent of the injury, nor did my parents, until I did have to seek medical help. When they found out how serious it was, my mother couldn't understand why I hadn't seen a doctor earlier and I had to explain that it was her treatment of us when young that had left me feeling I couldn't see a doctor unless it appeared to be actual life or death.

She laughed and dismissed that idea but I could see it affected her and ever since she suggests I see a doctor for a broken fingernail! If I ever even wince she takes any suggestion that I'm in pain very seriously, so I can see the incident affected her - this and a couple of similar issues.

She learned her lesson - way too late and will never admit it, but I know that she knows she was wrong. Your mother is probably similar but I don't think you'll be able to do anything about it and it doesn't mean she wouldn't care for your child properly. All you can do is monitor their relationship and act accordingly, rather than based upon your own experiences with her.

I'll add that while I was in hospital being sorted out for this injury, I asked the doctor for copies of my X-rays and confirmation on paper of what had happened because I thought my mother would tell me I'd been a baby over nothing if I couldn't prove how serious it was, despite the massive plaster cast too! In my thirties! That's how deep some of these attitudes go. Just feel secure knowing you'll use better judgement for your own child.

Even if appendicitis is diff to diagnose, you don't leave a child that ill alone all day. That's why your Mum won't talk about it, she knows she shouldn't have gone. You sound self aware, so you won't make the same mistakes OP. It's no reflection on you that they really weren't great in general at parenting. My DM was the same (I nearly died at 14, she visited me once, stayed 10mins, told me to stop crying & left). Its probably never going to be something your DM will acknowledge, so make sure her contact with you etc is on your terms & be safe in the knowledge you won't make the same mistakes.

OP please don’t listen to the ‘man up’ brigade. You don’t remotely sound like a special snowflake. It’s easy to see the difference between a parent who made a judgement error and one who was uncaring and neglectful. My son had an accident as a child and hurt his shoulder. My sister, a nurse, after examining him told me I didn’t need to go to A&E and he’d just strained it. It turned out a week later he’d broken his collar bone! Just because it was a clean break it wasn’t agony to move it. Anyway the point is it’s in the context of me being a caring mother and generally putting my child first. My son now laughs about it many years later and teases me, but he knows I feel bad about it and I’ve apologised for getting it wrong. Your parents dismiss your feelings and downplay it, on the other hand.

Unfortunately people who treat their children differently tend to treat their grandchildren differently too. I’d be very careful not to put your future dc through that. Acknowledging your loss that your parents aren’t and weren’t what you wanted them to be can be very healing.

you don't leave a child that ill alone all day

As others have said if everything the OP says is true then she was a late teen,, and her adult sister was ivin at home too and able to take care of her.

Op why do you want to bring this up again with your DPs again? It sounds as thouhh you want to use it as a stick to beat them with.You sound like an immature self centred brat

and her adult sister was Irvin at home too and was able to take care of her

Do you struggle with reading comprehension FruitofAutumn. The OPs sister was at work all day and was only available to help when she got home. Some parents DESERVE to be beaten by the stick of their own neglect. Good on OP for finding her own voice. And if you think OP is a self centred brat I think you’re a nasty, insensitive cow.

Well, it seems pretty divided and all around exactly how old the OP was.

For everyone saying they would stay home all day (missing a days work and a days pay etc etc) for a 16 year old who wasn't in pain but had been sick and didn't feel like eating - you must have very understanding employers

Sparklyfee the OP said she was in pain. And if you had to go to work (the OP doesn’t say this, just that they’d gone out - and they didn’t turn up to the hospital until several hours after the OP’s sister returned home from work and took her to the hospital, which would suggest it was well after normal working hours) wouldn’t you call check to see the OP was okay? And if you didn’t do that, wouldn’t you feel bad about it if it had turned out your child had nearly suffered a burst appendix? It the answer to both of these questions is no, then we clearly have a different view on good parenting.

Yeah I'd feel bad, course I would. She's never said her mum doesn't feel bad has she?

And she definitely said she wasn't in a lot of pain, just not eating etc.

No need to judge my parenting. I'm doing perfectly fine thanks. Just think that sometimes parents can't see inside the body of their child. Can only work with what you've got and sometimes we judge it wrong!

I can remember when my DD1 had appendicitis. She barely moaned, but at 13 years old, she did get up at 6 am to tell me she did not feel well and her tummy hurt. I dumped my toddler and baby with a neighbour, who was luckily up with his young DC and took her to the local OOH. They poo poo-ed it, saying she had gastroeneteritis. I took her back three times over the next three days and they then decided she needed to go to hospital to get checked out. Hers was about to burst, she was very poorly.

I cannot imagine the guilt I would have felt had I not pushed the OOH to get her admitted.

I had younger children and yes, DD helped with thm a bit, but that did not negate my responsibility to look after her when she needed it. Yes, she could bath herself, dress herself, even cook for herself if needed, but I am even now she is 23 with DC of her own, her mum!

OP, some people aren't very nice. Your parents sound like many people and you've found yourself in their family. You wont change them. What do you want? Just use your experience to be a better parent to your children and cone to terms with it.

*I wasn't actually in that much pain
*
And this...

"Basically once I became a teenager i feel like they stopped seeing me as a child to be cared for. They wouldn't give me lifts places whilst my siblings were taken everywhere, demanded excessive housework from me compared to my siblings and just generally didn't seem to love me very much"

It seems like the OP expected to be treated like a primary aged child throughout her teenage years. Of course a parent will act differently when they have at least 4 kids of varying ages.

Anywhere else on MN you'll be told yes the teenagers should help with housework, don't need to be given lifts all over. Nobody would expect a younger child to do that though.

And for whoever said they waited hours to go to the hospital - she said her sister eventually got hold of them. Sounded to me like they came as soon as they knew about it.

I have read this thread and realised how many of my own memories are similar, I attempted suicide in my early teens and once at the hospital my parents both left me with the nurses till the next day (this was at 3pm) as my younger sister was at home. Every medical professional asked where they were, it wasn’t until years later and a friend went through the same experience with her daughter I realised that most parents would want to stay. I am still trying to find how I feel about these things almost 20 years later

Sparklyfee not much good her mother feeling bad about it if she won’t talk about it. Apologies in your head aren’t that helpful to the other person. And there’s a massive difference between being given lifts everywhere and not being given lifts anywhere. Between helping in the house and doing excessive housework.

The point is they eventually got hold of them. Several hours later, when they knew their child was unwell, without contacting them in between to check they were okay.

Glad you’re happy with your parenting; that’s okay then . Wasn’t judging your parenting, I don’t know anything about it, just judging your assessment of the OP’s parenting.

I’ve had similar with my mum, and she’s still a rubbish mum to me, but over involved with my other siblings. She barely refers to my children as her grandchildren- but takes my sister’s kids on holiday.

I took some parenting classes and read books to try to parent my own children better and be warmer with them. I think I have managed it. But no parent is perfect and you have to realise that. I missed my son’s irritable hip initially- but I did go about it straight away when I realised.

It’s the overall picture that matters, not isolated incidents. You have to wonder about what they’ve experienced as children. Times have changed a lot.

And young children are easier to parent than stroppy teenagers. Don’t fall out with your parents over this, just be aware for yourself.

@CazM2012 that is truly awful. Hope you are much better now.

@Cutietips my point is that we don't have a lot of information really. No idea how old the OP was, she could've been 19. No idea what she told her parents other than "I think I've got appendicitis". No idea where her parents were.

I've said "I think I'm dying" on numerous occasions. I wasn't. It's a judgement call every time a person is ill and it's a bit self righteous to claim you would make the right judgement every single time.

I love it how people get off point :

111 didn't exist back then... Ohh kay ...
Where did your parents actually go that day, for their day out?

I think there's a big difference between leaving an unwell 13 year old at home whilst you went to the pub, or leaving an unwell 19 year old at home whilst you went to work. The first is neglectful, the second is absolutely not, and there are probably many shades in between.

Sparklyfee doesn’t make any difference to me if they were 16 or 19, I’d still check on them to see if they were okay at some point with suspected appendicitis, whether I’d gone to work or not, or gone out for the day, so where they were is still irrelevant in my view. And if I didn’t and it turned out that it was appendicitis, I’d apologise and show them that I felt bad about it. I never said I got it right every time, and actually I pointed out in an earlier post that I didn’t, so not self righteous at all. It’s the attitude that is important.

MrsM that's exactly what I'm trying to say. You have worded it better.

I don't think anyone said 111 didn't exist back then. You've missed the point. We don't know when "back then" was. But if she rang 111 then it was 2014 onwards. Which suggests she was 16+

Cutie you don't know how long it was between OPs parents leaving and OP going to hospital. Yes, several hours. But if I believed a 19 year old was sleeping it off after being sick and losing her appetite I wouldn't disturb them every hour.

They have parented at least 4 children. They will have heard "I'm dying" "I think I've got flu/appendicitis/tonsillitis" etc. over and over again.

They made a bad judgement call, one that is easily made