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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not bother with this person any more?

90 replies

DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 18:32

A colleague has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes due to excessive weight. (Statement of fact, not nastiness. I am also pretty large but currently trying to lose a little weight.) He was telling anyone who'd listen last week that he loves take aways, especially Indian and Thai, but can obviously no longer have them. He told us at length which were his favourites and asked ours, all the while bemoaning that he can't have them any more. He is also known to be quite a decent cook.

I have quite a few books on how to make Indian and Thai food as well as things such a pizza and pasties with greatly reduced calories. I put them in a bag and dropped them off with a member of his department as I couldn't find him. I didn't say what the bag was or why I had brought the books, just that they were for X. The team member promised to pass them on.

Several days went by and X didn't mention the books, even when he passed me in the corridor but no matter. I vaguely wondered if his team member had forgotten but was too busy to give it a lot of thought. Today, however, his manager sought me out to have a word with me. Apparently, he was not happy that i had brought him the books. His manager was really apologetic at having to come and talk to me but had done so at his request. She will return the books so that I don't have to revisit their department and collect them.

I have to confess that I felt a little annoyed by this. I was trying to be nice by giving someone who said they missed their favourite food access to it in a way that would not harm them. As I said, I'm far from skinny, currently in the obese category so it'd be kind of difficult to talk down to a fellow lard arse! I was pretty discrete, too. Not like I stood in the middle of the staffroom yelling, "Oi! Fat Knacker! These are for you!"

AIBU to wish I'd not bothered? And to cease any sympathy for their diet related woes?

OP posts:
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy · 08/10/2018 18:36

My sister once gave me a weightwatchers cookbook. She meant well...but it went to a charity shop. I didn't ask for it, I felt humiliated.

Yes, YWBU, and you should have asked him if he wanted them. I'd have been mortified if a colleague did this to me, sorry. I'm not enormous, but I have always had a weigh problem, always trying to eat well and exercise, but still, that would have hurt me.

Aaaahfuck · 08/10/2018 18:37

Yeah I wouldn't bother with them in future. I think if you're overweight yourself it is fairly difficult to warp it into you being mean. Perhaps putting a note in the bag or emailing him when you'd given them would have enabled you to properly convey your intention to help out. Sometimes you just can't do a nice thing for people.

RachaelGeller · 08/10/2018 18:39

I don’t think YWBU. In the future though, best to ask if someone wants a favour doing before doing it. People’s weight can be a touchy subject in our culture, best to err on the side of caution.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 08/10/2018 18:41

Sorry I think YABU. I’m sure your intentions were pure but you didn’t even put a note in the bag? No wonder he was upset. I would be too.

I think you should apologise rather than feel annoyed that he was annoyed.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 18:43

No, no note, due to having to squeeze it in between yard duty and teaching!

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 08/10/2018 18:44

You were a bit unreasonable. Maybe should have asked if he wanted them first, not just got someone else to give him them. It's a bit rude. I get your intention, but all he's seeing is that you're telling him to lose weight. He may not have come to terms with the fact that his weight caused the diabetes, could be in denial.

BirdsAndBlips · 08/10/2018 18:44

YABU and you can't hold a grudge.
Next time ask yourself: has this person asked for my help / opinion?

Original poster
DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 18:45

Also, given that he tells the kids at the secondary school where we both work all about his diabetes, all about his weight and how much he misses McDonald's, it didn't really seem like a touchy subject!

OP posts:
Namechangeforthiscancershit · 08/10/2018 18:45

I think the only issue was not waiting to see him face to face and asking if he would like to borrow them, and involving a third party. Which all happened because of time pressure I guess.

I wouldn’t be doing him any more favours for sure.

MindBodyChocolate · 08/10/2018 18:48

Seeing as he initiated a long conversation about takeaways and how he can't now have them, I don't think you were being unreasonable as such, but it was misjudged. Weight is a very touchy subject and even those who bring up the subject themselves might still not appreciate it being shoved in their face by someone else.

It would probably have been best to drop him a quick message to ask him if he was interested in the books, referring to the earlier conversation, rather than just wanging them over to him.

smallchanceofrain · 08/10/2018 18:49

YABU. You should have asked if he wanted them.

I'm overweight and I'd have been mortified if a colleague had done this to me - however kind their intention - unless it was a very close colleague I regarded as a friend.

Birdsgottafly · 08/10/2018 18:50

""Next time ask yourself: has this person asked for my help / opinion""

^That with bells on.

You should have asked him if he would like them. But I'm sure he can use Google, if he really wanted recipes.

If you have a favourite take-away, then cooking the equivalent doesn't make up for not being able to eat it.

You were out of order.

It's him that needs to avoid you.

Thisgirlcant · 08/10/2018 18:51

'Fat knacker' that made me 😂 he's probably embarrassed. Perhaps explain to him that you were just trying to help.

AloeVeraDuckworth · 08/10/2018 18:51

I don't think YWBU but a note would have been a good idea. Even if he did take it the wrong way, surely his attitude should have been DrSeuss is a CF then have a flick through the pages or bin them and move on.

Complete over reaction IMO

Bloodybridget · 08/10/2018 18:54

As he had gone on about missing his favourite takeaways, I'd have thought he'd have been pleased to get the cookery books and understood that you were trying to do him a favour. Ungrateful sod, let him carry on moaning and don't bother to try and help again.

Sparklesocks · 08/10/2018 18:55

Even though it was with good intentions I think it was quite misjudged, weight is a very sensitive subject and he might be struggling with his diagnosis. He might have felt a bit patronised.

It might have been better to have said something like ‘oh you know you were talking about missing takeaways the other day, I have a bunch of great cook books which show you how to make lower calorie takeaway alternatives which still taste great. Happy for you to have them if you like?’. You didn’t really give him any choice in the matter and it might have come across as a bit interfering, especially as you didn’t give them to him directly.

nokidshere · 08/10/2018 18:56

You should have asked first. A quick chat or email saying "I have recipes that mean you can have home made healthier versions of your fave takeaways, would you like to borrow them" would have been fine.

nellieellie · 08/10/2018 18:56

Mmm, tbh I think that if he went on and on about how much he loves takeaways, but can’t have them anymore because they’re too calorific, then it is NBU to loan him some books showing him how to cook the same food at a reduced calorie level. Had you just loaned the books because you’d heard he’d just been diagnosed, then thats a different matter. I think people here are not listening to what actually happened here.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 18:57

Ok, I'm being unreasonable. Obviously touched a nerve with him. And I shall continue to bite my tongue when one of my Y8s says, "Do I have to go to Mr X's lesson? He'll only want to tell us all about his diabetes again."

OP posts:
Kattyy · 08/10/2018 18:59

Not unreasonable. Plain rude. What were u thinking?

Holdingonbarely · 08/10/2018 19:01

You didn’t ask him? You didn’t leave a note? You didn’t email him?
If I said to a friend, god I miss Thai and then they said I’ve got a great recipe book, I’ll give it, I would think it was kind
Otherwise I would think you weren’t kind

UserName31456789 · 08/10/2018 19:02

YANBU. It was hardly unsolicited interference if he'd be bemoaning his lack of indians to anyone who would listen. I can't imagine taking that in any other way than a kind gesture. Even if I didn't want to use the books for whatever reason I'd be touched by the thought.

cordeliavorkosigan · 08/10/2018 19:03

Actually I think he's being unreasonable, talking about this a lot at work and to students, and then expecting no one to respond.
You aimed to be helpful and kind, he's been going on and on about it, he could have said a graceful 'thanks but no thanks, I just wanted a moan' instead of making a thing about it.
You could pass back via his manager that students are talking about and that he is discussing it enough to give the strong impression that (a) it is not a sensitive topic and (b) he wants colleagues and students to have this information and discuss it.
If either (a) or (b) is incorrect, he needs to knock it off and stop talking about it at work!

DontLickTheCat · 08/10/2018 19:05

I think you were being really kind and the other person is a right miserable arse. Even if they were a bit Hmmby it there was no need to tell their manager. Could have just binned them and moved on. I wouldn't give it another thought. Some people are determined to be offended!

DirtyBlonde · 08/10/2018 19:05

I think you were wrong to make so many assumptions about him.

Firstly that he would see homecooked food (of any type) as equivalent to a takeaway

Secondly that he lacks information on recipes.

Thirdly that he is ignorant of how to seek the recipes he actually wants to adapt his favourites.

Fourthly that he actually wants and cookbooks

..... and the list could probably go on.

He received an unsolicited gift which he does not want to accept. He is doing nothing wrong in returning it. It would probably have even one with thanks and polite demurrals has he any idea who they had originated from.

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