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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not bother with this person any more?

90 replies

DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 18:32

A colleague has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes due to excessive weight. (Statement of fact, not nastiness. I am also pretty large but currently trying to lose a little weight.) He was telling anyone who'd listen last week that he loves take aways, especially Indian and Thai, but can obviously no longer have them. He told us at length which were his favourites and asked ours, all the while bemoaning that he can't have them any more. He is also known to be quite a decent cook.

I have quite a few books on how to make Indian and Thai food as well as things such a pizza and pasties with greatly reduced calories. I put them in a bag and dropped them off with a member of his department as I couldn't find him. I didn't say what the bag was or why I had brought the books, just that they were for X. The team member promised to pass them on.

Several days went by and X didn't mention the books, even when he passed me in the corridor but no matter. I vaguely wondered if his team member had forgotten but was too busy to give it a lot of thought. Today, however, his manager sought me out to have a word with me. Apparently, he was not happy that i had brought him the books. His manager was really apologetic at having to come and talk to me but had done so at his request. She will return the books so that I don't have to revisit their department and collect them.

I have to confess that I felt a little annoyed by this. I was trying to be nice by giving someone who said they missed their favourite food access to it in a way that would not harm them. As I said, I'm far from skinny, currently in the obese category so it'd be kind of difficult to talk down to a fellow lard arse! I was pretty discrete, too. Not like I stood in the middle of the staffroom yelling, "Oi! Fat Knacker! These are for you!"

AIBU to wish I'd not bothered? And to cease any sympathy for their diet related woes?

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 08/10/2018 19:08

Rude behaviour.

(From you, not him).

twofingerstoEverything · 08/10/2018 19:12

YABU. If he had expressed an interest in wanting low calorie recipe books, that might be different. I'm also a lard arse and would have been offended at an unsolicited 'gift' like that, too, particularly from a colleague.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/10/2018 19:13

I agree with you op, i guess you should have given them to him in person. I guess you hit a nerve. Hopefully it might spur him to take action and do something about his weight and health.

Gemini69 · 08/10/2018 19:13

I think you sound lovely and very kind OP..

bumblenbean · 08/10/2018 19:15

Sorry OP but your post did make me chuckle - ‘fat knacker’!

I don’t think you were BU. As others have said, he openly talked about his issues at length.

If his weight was such a touchy subject why discuss it so much with others? And if he was offended he could have given them back to you directly with a ‘thanks for the thought but not necessary’ although even that seems a little churlish when you were trying to be helpful. Seems a bit OTT for him to involve the manager!!

Chalk it up to a misjudgment but I wouldn’t waste any more time worrying about it!

Original poster

DrSeuss · 08/10/2018 19:16

OK, so I'm rude. I'll try to keep that under control next time he spends fifteen minutes of an hour long GCSE lesson in which I'm assisting talking about McDonald's and asking each of the kids in turn what their favourite order is! Yes, he really did that.

OP posts:

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 08/10/2018 19:16

You weren’t unreasonably in the slightest and it’s ridiculous for any one to even suggest you were. He is openly admitting he can’t have a lot of his favourite food and you did a nice thing. Even if you were a skinny minny, it clea (to anyone with a bit of sense) that it wasn’t meant in a derogatory way

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/10/2018 19:17

You weren't unreasonable, but you were very tactless. If I were you, I'd be mortified to realise my good intentions had obviously upset someone this much. I think you ought to seek him out and explain that you didn't mean to hurt him.

Remember, you don't know what the situation really is. Could be he already knows perfectly well how to make low-calorie versions of these things, but actually prefers the high-calorie ones. If that's the case, you'll just have come across as putting salt into the wound. Or, it could be that he's on an even more specific diet than you realise, and so can't eat them anyway. Or all sorts of things.

I would just assume it's one of those situations where you had a try at something nice but put your foot in it. And I'd apologise, rather than assuming it's someone else's fault.

Blackoutblinds · 08/10/2018 19:18

Sorry but I think you should’ve spoken to him. If you’d done that to me I’d have been humiliated.

And I’m also a fat knacker.

ConsiderHerWaysAndOthers · 08/10/2018 19:19

Despite your obviously thoughtful intentions, what you’ve done is akin to anonymously leaving a stick of deodorant on your colleague’s desk to hint at a BO problem. No wonder he feels humiliated. If you’d left a note or given them to him person explaining your reasoning and the fact that you found the books helpful it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as bad. You should apologise to him and explain that you didn’t mean anything by it.

amymel2016 · 08/10/2018 19:19

YANBU, I think it was a lovely thing to do. He initiated the conversation and was telling everyone so it wasn’t a secret and it’s sounds like you did it very subtly. As someone whose recently lost 3.5 stone (another 3 to go!) due to health issues, I would have loved this support at the beginning.

Niri1 · 08/10/2018 19:23

Your not understanding. This person has been told he has diabetes. This will of shocked him and maybe scared him. He is talking alot to try and reach out to people and yes to maybe get some sympathy but so what. He's not asking you to fix the problem, just to let him air. He will eventually come to terms and work out a path for himself eventually. People are so quick to jump in and say or do something instead of just listening.

Blackoutblinds · 08/10/2018 19:24

And it’s clear you do not like him. And he will know you don’t.

ahouseofleaves · 08/10/2018 19:24

YABU to not have asked him and actually a bit aggressive in your responses here. Just leave him to it or take it up with him face to face regarding the lessons.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/10/2018 19:25

He sounds like an annoying man, but what you did was controlling. It’s like you have him homework. He may be an irritating grown up, but he is a grown up.

I think you already had ambivalent feelings about him and your gift was a mixture of good intentions and your irritation at him: ie, here, stop moaning fgs, educate yourself, you’ve got diabetes!

I have to say I think I’d find him fucking irritating too. For droning on about shit and not doing anything about it. But the books were ill judged.

Flutternotsoshy · 08/10/2018 19:25

Going slightly against the grain here but as a type 2 diabetic I'd have been over the moon if someone had done that for me.

I get a lot of "oh just a little won't hurt" or "you can, just once in a while"

Nope I can't. Had a sandwich today (not well and not thinking, and it was only plain chicken) and my blood sugar went through the roof! (God I miss bread!)

So if someone had had the thought to try and offer a helpful solution i would have been touched.

And even if I wasn't I'd have returned them myself and said something like " sorry but I don't think I'll get the use out of these that they deserve"

Everyone's different though.

Sciurus83 · 08/10/2018 19:25

Sorry but you were rude, it would have been a kind gesture had you spoken to him and.offered the books saying they had helped you. As it was you imposed yourself into a sensitive part of his life, not appropriate in a work setting. And really if you have a concern over his teaching you should raise it through the proper channels not use it as a means if deflecting your poor, if well intentioned, judgement in this situation.

Crunchymum · 08/10/2018 19:26

DrSeuss I am not finding it very charitable that every few posts you are drip feeding little examples of how he is indeed a greedy fucker and should have been bouncing up and down with glee at your "gift"

You obviously don't like people thinking you are wrong

Look it's his diabetes, his diagnosis and his journey.... maybe talking to the kids is a good thing? And if it's inappropriate then it's up to the kids or parents to complain.

If I were you, if pop him a quick email to say the recipe books weren't intended to offend and then leave it at that.

SignOnTheWindow · 08/10/2018 19:27

Despite your obviously thoughtful intentions, what you’ve done is akin to anonymously leaving a stick of deodorant on your colleague’s desk to hint at a BO problem.

This. Just because he goes on about his weight and diabetes, doesn't mean he's not sensitive about it. Attack is the best form of defence after all.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 08/10/2018 19:31

OP, fat knacker ... 😂😂😂
You meant well, what more can you do ? May I suggest nothing .... 🌸

Dragongirl10 · 08/10/2018 19:31

Op in those circumstances, l don't think you were being unreasonable at all, he is rude, very rude.

A note would have been sensible but, you were hardly giving him diet books!
If as others are saying he is sensitive about his weight, then he wouldn't have made such a show of discussing with the whole office.

Sound like he is an insensitive and rude man!

Aspergallus · 08/10/2018 19:33

Your responses on this thread are probably a clue as to why he was offended.

Your OP sounded innocent enough, but now you’ve made it sound like you gave him the books as a passive aggressive gesture to shut him up because you don’t like his current topic of conversation. TL:DR you sound like a dick.

For future reference (and the benefit of those around you) people often talk about the things they are most self-conscious and anxious about in order to stop other people doing so -bringing it up first is a defensive tactic. The appropriate response is to smile and move on. TL:DR don’t be a dick.

Sorry10 · 08/10/2018 19:33

You are not being unreasonable he is . I don't understand why anyone would be mortified by some healthy eating cookbooks it's ridiculous.
I'm a size 16 so classed as overweight if someone did that for me I would think it's very thoughtful.
This is the problem why people are overweight they go on about they can't eat this or that but aren't interested in actually looking at healthier options.
You did a nice thing don't let anyone tell you otherwise and don't change because of someone who has a chip on his shoulder ( excuse the pun )

Aspergallus · 08/10/2018 19:34

PS I don’t think you’ve read enough Dr Seuss, DrSeuss.

Tomatoesrock · 08/10/2018 19:35

He is been dramatic. Do not bother with him again, it seems like he loves a pity party and took your good intentions and used it for attention.

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