to not bother with this person any more?

[DrSeuss]

A colleague has recently been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes due to excessive weight. (Statement of fact, not nastiness. I am also pretty large but currently trying to lose a little weight.) He was telling anyone who'd listen last week that he loves take aways, especially Indian and Thai, but can obviously no longer have them. He told us at length which were his favourites and asked ours, all the while bemoaning that he can't have them any more. He is also known to be quite a decent cook.

I have quite a few books on how to make Indian and Thai food as well as things such a pizza and pasties with greatly reduced calories. I put them in a bag and dropped them off with a member of his department as I couldn't find him. I didn't say what the bag was or why I had brought the books, just that they were for X. The team member promised to pass them on.

Several days went by and X didn't mention the books, even when he passed me in the corridor but no matter. I vaguely wondered if his team member had forgotten but was too busy to give it a lot of thought. Today, however, his manager sought me out to have a word with me. Apparently, he was not happy that i had brought him the books. His manager was really apologetic at having to come and talk to me but had done so at his request. She will return the books so that I don't have to revisit their department and collect them.

I have to confess that I felt a little annoyed by this. I was trying to be nice by giving someone who said they missed their favourite food access to it in a way that would not harm them. As I said, I'm far from skinny, currently in the obese category so it'd be kind of difficult to talk down to a fellow lard arse! I was pretty discrete, too. Not like I stood in the middle of the staffroom yelling, "Oi! Fat Knacker! These are for you!"

AIBU to wish I'd not bothered? And to cease any sympathy for their diet related woes?

I don't think you were rude. It's not like you foisted recipe books on a random member of the public. You know him and have heard his woes at length. You were tried to be kind.

No good deed goes unpunished!

*were trying

I don't think you were unreasonable at all OP.

I think you sound mean. You are assuming his diabetes is because of his weight and maybe he's trying to laugh it off / talk about it to cover up his embarrassment, but you brought it right to the fore with your unsolicited advice. The tone of your messages is really mean. You say you are obese yourself so why not keep the books and let him handle his own diet?

Actually, I do like him although perhaps not as much today as previously. I have regularly defended him to staff and students who have called him bad tempered and grumpy.

I would either pull him to one side or send an email explaining that you sent the books to show him he could still have nice meals even though he has diabetes and he was saying how much he missed takeaways

I can’t believe the amount of people on here saying the OP is rude! She was only doing something nice. He sounds like a bit of a wanker.

OP your fat shaming drip feed is appalling, I think you have misread the situation completely with your manager. Get the hint, you were totally out of order, stop this, it is unacceptable in the workplace.

(Or elsewhere)

I don't know why everyone thinks the word "knacker" is so hilarious. You do know it's a derogatory term for Travellers, right? It's akin to the n-word. It's completely unacceptable.

Ah, now that I didn't know. Sorry. I will avoid its use if that is so.

I'm not a fan of your drip feeding either, OP. They're not really painting you in a terribly good light to be honest. I started off thinking YWBU but it was innocent and meant well, but the drip feeds have rather skewed my initial view.

YWBU. I imagine he felt mortified. It's also not really relevant that you're (in your words) pretty large yourself. It doesn't make your actions any more appropriate.

I was sort of on your side at first...I didn't think you should have done it but it seemed well meant and not intended to be rude or passive aggressive. The subsequent posts, though, make me think he's picked up on something from you and that's possibly why he didn't react well.

Your follow up posts on him are coming across as quite nasty, a bit snipey...like it’s ok to have upset him because he’s irritating in class.
At first I thought you had good intentions but with your follow ups now I think you just wanted to make him feel small, it sounds like you have a problem with him.

I must sure it was well intentioned, but you simply can't do this.

He is obviously deeply offended and upset, more so since you aren't exactly super fit and slim yourself.

You dealt with it wrong.

@BooMare Knacker means testicle in my neck of the woods (NW). And, in earlier times, it was used to describe someone who disposed of animals too old and unfit to work. I doubt OP used the word pejoratively.

Knacker is someone who takes unfit animals for disposal where i am too.

I didn’t know it was a pejorative term. I won’t use it again. Apologies for any offence.

You don’t like him and his attitude and this was a passive agressive way of telling him

FYI passive agressive is really shitty

He was wanting a bit of a moan and you took it as a request for assistance, he took offence and now your pissed off. No good deed goes unpunished OP. Don't take it to heart, and next time he brings the subject up just don't bother engaging.

Were the recipes even suitable for a diabetic?
Low calorie doesn’t necessarily mean that they are!
So if I received those, I don’t think I’d think “ooooh, my favourite foods that I can still eat as a diabetic”. Instead I’d think you were saying “you need to lose weight, mate” - which unsolicited I’d find pretty rude.

No note was just odd. Squeezed between yard duty and teaching? That’s delivery. But what about when you were putting them into the bag at home? I’d think it was very strange to have them dropped off almost anonymously.

I don’t doubt your intentions were good - but I’d feel patronised and that you were telling me to quit moaning and lose weight!

I was told to go full fat with diabetes because it slows down sugar absorption.

I'm also fat and I would have found being handed a bag full of diet books by someone on behalf of someone else who I didn't know that well very odd and a bit offensive. I don't mind people thinking I am fat but I honestly would have seen that as a bit of a dig.

It was gestational diabetes though so maybe that's different.

I didn't know that about 'knacker'.

Bit about the whole issue - surely Indian and Thai food is pretty healthy on the whole and just having it as takeaway doesn't change that? Obviously you might have to cut back on the samosas, but otherwise?

He seems to have no filter and I think you didn't think about the potential message your gesture was sending. (Quite apart from that, I'm a decentish cook and I very rarely use recipes, or only as a very basic guide to amounts before varying. (And for baking. But not for cooking). I own few cookbooks and I'd feel a bit odd about being given one, as if someone assumed I needed to learn how to cook. If he's known as a good cook, maybe a bit of that is in there for him?). It would have been a lot better to ask him if he would like them. But tbh neither of you have behaved perfectly here - but neither of you all that heinously. I'd clear the air with him IIWY.

He sounds very attention seeking and doesn't take kindly to someone trying to help him.

I'd just not engage with him when he starts it.