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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I'm too sensitive!

92 replies

mermaid30 · 07/10/2018 23:17

So yesterday was the anniversary of my dads death. Hes been gone 8 years :-( My boyfriend went out with his mates on the evening. He wouldnt have even thought about changing it. But yesterday he bought me some chocolate and alcohol which was nice of him and then he said today he was going to treat me to Sunday roast. I was really happy that he was going to treat me.

So today we went and had carvery. The bill came and he only put half the money on the table. I asked if i was paying for myself then - he said yes. So i did.

I was so hurt and upset.

On our 1 year anniversary meal in June he told me he was treating me and when the woman came to take our payment he told me to pay my half. I was so upset then, it took me right back.

He earns more than me but I pay for way more things. Days out, meals out, weekends away - he's never ever taken me on a weekend away!!!
I dont mind, its not a competition but when he says hes treating me and doesn't I feel so so angry and hurt.

AIBU??

I told him to go home when we got back to mine and he did. He was going home today anyway ..... because in his words he had loads of washing to do 🙄 .... but in the week he'll manage to see his best friend religiously and his mother. Id he needs to do anything, its time with me that he foregoes.

What do I do?!?!

OP posts:
strongandlong · 07/10/2018 23:21

You're not too sensitive. He's mean and selfish and you deserve better.

Sorry about your dad Flowers

Lazypuppy · 07/10/2018 23:22

End the relationship. You're not a priority

MarthasGinYard · 07/10/2018 23:22

So sorry about your dad Thanks

He sounds awful and tight

MelonBuffet · 07/10/2018 23:24

I’m sorry about your dad. It can be so hard when the anniversary of dates like that come around. DP and I have both lost parents and he definitely feels it more than I do on the anniversary of his mum, I will always make a point to talk about her and take care of him. I’m glad he at least brought you some supplies but it’s a bit shit that you ended up paying for your own treat while out Flowers

He sounds like a tight arse. I couldn’t be doing with that. I earn less than DP but will still pay for a full meal when I can. I’d hate to be splitting bills all the time, it just doesn’t feel like you’re a team when you do that. Taking turns (I get the KFC, carvery etc, DP gets the posh steak dinner and Wagamama!) seems like a much more coupley thing to me.

This is who he is, so if he’s not well matched with you in terms of emotional support or generosity, bin him off and find someone who shares your values and makes you feel valued.

Haberpop · 07/10/2018 23:26

...Id he needs to do anything, its time with me that he foregoes...

He isn't as committed to the relationship as you are, time to move on I think.

Original poster
mermaid30 · 07/10/2018 23:27

Thank you ladies. He says hes very generous but will not be taken for a ride..... He believes it's not up to the man to pay for everything, even if we have kids etc.... Hes obsessed with things being equal too.

I know he's selfish. I just don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
mermaid30 · 07/10/2018 23:29

@melonbuffet - Ive lost them both too. I was 21 and 23. Hardest time off my life. Sorry about your parents too.
I hate the 50/50 thing.
I dont feel special at all.
We normally spend every Wednesday eve and weekend together, i dont think i want to this coming week. I need some figuring out space....

OP posts:
DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 07/10/2018 23:30

So sorry about your dad OP Flowers

He's a tight prick, you are not being too sensitive. Is it really worth it? Who makes their partner pay half anyway surely you just alternate? That was an absolutely dickhead thing to do, on top of going out on the anniversary of your dad's death and the previous occasions. He's a selfish, tight prick

Sethis · 07/10/2018 23:32

End the relationship.

You've got to be kidding me.

You're advising a woman you've never met to end her 18 month relationship on the basis of a split lunch bill. Only on MN.

OP: Have a serious conversation with your partner about any and all of the things you mentioned here. Sit down and say something like:

"I know it was yesterday, but I just wanted to be honest and tell you about something you did that really upset me. If you tell me you're going to treat me to lunch, then that says to me that you're going to pay for it. When you turned around and expected me to pay for my own treat it made me feel shitty and hurt, especially since it was the anniversary of my fathers death. You probably don't remember, but the same thing happened on our anniversary as well. It might not seem like a big deal to you, but it hurt a lot, both times, and I just wanted to let you know."

If he's a decent human being he will apologise and not do it again, and maybe really treat you to something that he pays for 100% in the immediate future.

Ditto the rest of the other stuff you mention. Sit down, have a non-confrontational, honest and open chat with him about how some of the things he does makes you feel. If he's dismissive or laughs at you, you know he's an ass who you probably don't want to commit to. However if he accepts your feelings and tries to do better, then acknowledge it when he does do something that you like.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/10/2018 23:32

Nothing to figure out, just ditch, he's a prick. It's not about the man always paying, it's that he's just cruel, and he doesn't actually like you that much.

SandyY2K · 07/10/2018 23:32

If you're paying for yourself he's not treating you. What part of that is a treat? Or is he stupid as well as mean.

He's a tight ass. Dump him. A mean man is horrible.

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 07/10/2018 23:33

It's not up to the man to pay for everything no but that doesn't mean the man can't ever pay for anything, especially when you earn less than him. Equal isn't 50/50 down the middle all the time, it's pretty offensive to suggest you are taking him for a ride Hmm he's pretending it's about equality when really it's tightness and a disdain for women

Gemini69 · 07/10/2018 23:34

you've sadly lost both your parents OP... and you're left with someone who does not respect you or treat you kindly.. I hope you can see that this man is not right for you ... he's sounds like a right bellend..... end things and you will meet someone worthy of your love Flowers

DishranawaywiththeSpoon · 07/10/2018 23:34

Just ditch him OP, it's not worth it.

Thatstheendofmytether · 07/10/2018 23:35

If he's obsessing over everything being 50/50 it's not a good sign. I'm wouulddd get rid OP.

Fatasfook · 07/10/2018 23:35

Eww that’s so unattractive. Get him dumped

Blameanamechange · 07/10/2018 23:35

If hes tight with money then he probably wont be generous in all sorts of other areas affection etc. Been with someone like this. Id think carefully about this relationship. Prob wont change his mindset. Just depends whether yr happy to be with someone like that. Sounds thoughtless and selfish tbh.

Phoenix76 · 07/10/2018 23:35

Honestly, do yourself a massive favour and move on. I understand that’s not an easy decision but it will never get better, only worse. You sound very sensible and have probably already come to the same conclusion you’re worth so much more.

MyKingdomForBrie · 07/10/2018 23:35

'On the basis of a split lunch bill' sethis are you reading the same OP?! He's consistently tight, never prioritises OP and actually sets up situations in order to hurt her - letting her think he's being kind/sweet then deliberately removing the promised 'treat'. Like taking a kid to the gates of the park and then straight home again. Cruel.

BewarePregnancyHormones · 07/10/2018 23:36

Yanbu, he sounds a total arse!
Get rid before you get in too deep!
💐

MelonBuffet · 07/10/2018 23:37

Sethis, life’s too short to have to teach a man how to be a decent person. They’ve only been together a year, still learning about each other and figuring out if they’re a good fit. OP pays for more than him and he’s never taken her away. She clearly wants a man who will be more thoughtful and generous. Squeezing a meal out of a tightwad like him won’t change the fact that fundamentally he doesn’t make her feel special.

thegrinningfox · 07/10/2018 23:39

Get rid.

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 07/10/2018 23:39

What @Sethis said.

MN are very quick to cry LTB. If you’re unhappy with something in a relationship, any relationship, talk it out

theOtherPamAyres · 07/10/2018 23:41

YANBU but the next time he offers to 'treat you' or take you out, you'll know what he means:

that he's treating himself to a meal out and brought you along for company.

He's mean.

chipsandgin · 07/10/2018 23:42

Being mean has to be the number one most unattractive qualities in any person.

Generosity is linked to so much in a relationship. It’s not just money related, you can still be generous with your time & love & general attitude even if you don’t have money - ultimately it is just kindness really.

He isn’t kind, so IMO you should get out now, before it’s too late..there are so many lovely men, he isn’t one of them.

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