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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me if I'm too sensitive!

92 replies

mermaid30 · 07/10/2018 23:17

So yesterday was the anniversary of my dads death. Hes been gone 8 years :-( My boyfriend went out with his mates on the evening. He wouldnt have even thought about changing it. But yesterday he bought me some chocolate and alcohol which was nice of him and then he said today he was going to treat me to Sunday roast. I was really happy that he was going to treat me.

So today we went and had carvery. The bill came and he only put half the money on the table. I asked if i was paying for myself then - he said yes. So i did.

I was so hurt and upset.

On our 1 year anniversary meal in June he told me he was treating me and when the woman came to take our payment he told me to pay my half. I was so upset then, it took me right back.

He earns more than me but I pay for way more things. Days out, meals out, weekends away - he's never ever taken me on a weekend away!!!
I dont mind, its not a competition but when he says hes treating me and doesn't I feel so so angry and hurt.

AIBU??

I told him to go home when we got back to mine and he did. He was going home today anyway ..... because in his words he had loads of washing to do 🙄 .... but in the week he'll manage to see his best friend religiously and his mother. Id he needs to do anything, its time with me that he foregoes.

What do I do?!?!

OP posts:
KC225 · 08/10/2018 03:42

One of the things that strick me in your original post was the fact he was going out getting drunk with his mates and he wouldn't have moved it, I know you didn't ask him to move it but that fact is - the anniversary of a death is one of those times when you may need a bit of emotional support. As previous posters have said he does not prioritise you.

Nor does he trust you - seriously, after a year he is saying he won't be taken advantage of - and demands the price of a carvery. I am assuming he is staying at yours at the weekend and you are buying food and cooking meals? Really happy if I am wrong on this one OP.

Original poster
mermaid30 · 08/10/2018 08:39

@KC yes you are right. I bought all the food and cooked.

I tried to talk to him this morning and all I get was 'We're all selfish at times' ..... that he wasn't selfish all weekend, and that hes not a selfish person full stop!
He says he doesnt focus on the negatives or peoples imperfections and i need to stop running him down.....

He constantly says hes not perfect and doesnt profess to be....

He apologised for forgetting.

Why do i feel like something doesnt add up?!

OP posts:
AriadnePersephoneCloud · 08/10/2018 09:34

He sounds dreadful. Honestly I'm not even sure I could be bothered to try and explain to him why it's wrong to tell someone you are going to treat them and then demand half. If he doesn't already see it he's a lost cause in my opinion.

zzzzz · 08/10/2018 09:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 09:43

You feel like something doesn't add up because it doesn't.

All the sharing in your relationship comes from you and benefits him. And then he plays the 'you're nasty to me' card to make you check yourself.

He is training you... walk away!

Just tell him you will no longer be seeing him. You don't have to explain or give him a reason why. You have every right t simply decide to stop. So just stop! Find someone who is less self absorbed and knows that a relationship is about 2 people.

Kolo · 08/10/2018 09:48

What did he treat you with exactly, if he didn’t mean paying for your meal? What was the treat part?

IABURQO · 08/10/2018 09:57

Sorry about your dad.

I find the idea of going halves for dinner on a relationship weird to start with; surely one person gets the meal - sometimes him and sometimes you. It sounds like you're doing all the sharing and he's just not that interested. You deserve better.

IABURQO · 08/10/2018 09:59

His attitude of "we're all selfish at times" is all levels of wrong too. He should just be saying sorry and being nice to you. He wants you to expect nothing, but if you date someone else then you don't need to be put in that position.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 10:05

Come on Kolo he graced her with his presence... and, sadly, that is all OP has posted that she gets from him!

longwayoff · 08/10/2018 10:06

Not the man for you OP, you deserve a lot better. Give him away to someone more demanding and find someone to treat you more kindly.

Monty27 · 08/10/2018 10:08

Dump the tight wad

Kolo · 08/10/2018 10:10

@curiousaboutsamphire Hmm. My now husband called me up as a valentines present the first year. A phone call. For a present. I did explain to him.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 10:14

Grin Mine tried once to explain that he was 'worth it' when he arrived empty handed to my birthday.

Sorry if it came across as my being terse with you, I should have added a smiley face!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/10/2018 10:15

Oh good grief not if I am sorry that it really did read as though I was being snippy with you

That wasn't a fauxpology, honest Blush

SondheimFan · 08/10/2018 10:15

It's depressing that you've stayed so long with someone who has so little consideration for you, OP. That you were pathetically thrilled that he was 'treating you' to a carvery lunch because he's normally so mean with his time and money is really sad. You can, and should, do a lot better than someone for whom you're not a priority.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2018 10:16

You've already wasted 18 months of your life with this twat. Don't give him another.

ArsenicNLace · 08/10/2018 10:16

Get rid. You're not a priority.

Also I notice you mention all the things you pay for are 'fun' things. I suspect you organise them all too? I was the same with my ex (15 years and 2 kids - I didn't click on fast enough!). Every 'fun' thing we did was organised and paid for by me. If I didn't we just wouldn't do anything except sit watching tv or he'd go to the gym. We both earned the same so no excuse really. When we went on holiday he paid for himself but I had to pay for myself and the children.

Don't waste anymore time on him. You're not a priority and he's tight with money.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 08/10/2018 10:17

I have a friend who is like this with his gf. I would never have married him.

NewGrandad · 08/10/2018 10:17

Sorry but he's a DICK. How exactly is he treating you? Driving you to the carvery? Getting you a seat?

Aprilislonggone · 08/10/2018 10:21

Would be interested to know if you have met his dm?

Sethis · 08/10/2018 10:40

I bought all the food and cooked.

I tried to talk to him this morning and all I get was 'We're all selfish at times'

He says he doesn't focus on the negatives or peoples imperfections and i need to stop running him down.....

He constantly says hes not perfect and doesn't profess to be....

Alright, with more detail, I've changed my mind. LTB.

He takes no responsibility for hurting you, and has made no mention of changing. Not only that, but he's throwing in manipulative counter-criticism at you when you try to bring up how you feel about his behaviour.

The fact that he's round yours every weekend and has never paid a penny for food or cooked for you is indicative enough that he's a manchild who doesn't understand the concept or value of equality in a relationship. To say nothing that his mum still makes his bed. Yeccchh.

There are much better men out there. Promise.

Spiderdemon · 08/10/2018 11:12

I love "I'm not selfish ALL weekend" !!

Even mass murderers have some times when they're not murdering people and are quite pleasant Smile

Nobody's perfect but most people really aren't selfish to that degree, at all, ever!

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2018 11:19

Yeah, he didn't forget, he just didn't want to pay for you.

I'm all for equal split, but if you say you're treating someone you do it. You don't get to the end of the meal, stiff them for their half, then claim to have forgotten and say you're not perfect.

He's a bit of a shit really.

ReanimatedSGB · 08/10/2018 11:32

I agree with the PP who said he is training you, or trying to. In his eyes, you need to learn your place, which is one where you are obedient, humble and grateful for any crumbs he throws your way.

Were you brought up to believe that a woman is nothing unless she has A Man In Her Life? Was your last partner more blatantly abusive, so that your standards are low (and any man who doesn't actually punch you in the face is a 'decent' boyfriend)? Because you've put up with this selfish, rude, manipulative dipshit for long enough already.

Original poster
mermaid30 · 08/10/2018 12:10

Dont get me wrong, we alternate weekends at each other's places and he cooks for me too.... it's not all one way 100% of the time. But when it comes to time and money, I give the most on both fronts.
He goes to the football every home game and I never moan - I think it's time I did things that I want to do, when I want to do them without trying to fit it round my schedule!!

I feel very low today, all i want to do is leave work and go to bed and eat chocolate 🤣 but im here until 9pm and thats not going to help the situation!

OP posts:
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