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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please tell me if I'm too sensitive!

92 replies

mermaid30 · 07/10/2018 23:17

So yesterday was the anniversary of my dads death. Hes been gone 8 years :-( My boyfriend went out with his mates on the evening. He wouldnt have even thought about changing it. But yesterday he bought me some chocolate and alcohol which was nice of him and then he said today he was going to treat me to Sunday roast. I was really happy that he was going to treat me.

So today we went and had carvery. The bill came and he only put half the money on the table. I asked if i was paying for myself then - he said yes. So i did.

I was so hurt and upset.

On our 1 year anniversary meal in June he told me he was treating me and when the woman came to take our payment he told me to pay my half. I was so upset then, it took me right back.

He earns more than me but I pay for way more things. Days out, meals out, weekends away - he's never ever taken me on a weekend away!!!
I dont mind, its not a competition but when he says hes treating me and doesn't I feel so so angry and hurt.

AIBU??

I told him to go home when we got back to mine and he did. He was going home today anyway ..... because in his words he had loads of washing to do 🙄 .... but in the week he'll manage to see his best friend religiously and his mother. Id he needs to do anything, its time with me that he foregoes.

What do I do?!?!

OP posts:

zzzzz · 08/10/2018 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lucked · 08/10/2018 12:27

There is no generosity about him is there? I think if you have dated over a year and never been treated once then it is a problem.

I would be wary of starting a family with him. Would he support you on maternity leave and if your salary went down if you were part time. Would he still expect a 50:50 split if you weren’t earning? If the children went to nursery would he pay his share? These things happen I have seen it time and time again on mumsnet with women on maternity leave scalping by on basic mat pay and child benefit while there partner carries on life as before and still expects them to magic up 50% of the rent

Certainly if you are going to have children you would have to return to work as I don’t think it would work any other way.

RibbonAurora · 08/10/2018 12:36

Splitting expenses down the middle as a normal day to day thing is fine but that rule gets suspended on special occasions, if one offers to treat the other - they pay. You need to spell this out to him. I'd be as concerned about his 'meanness' with his time and attention.

If you are the thing he feels he can forego for other calls on his time, it sounds like he's taking you a bit for granted. I think you do need to talk to him about all this but your idea to give yourself some figuring out space this week is a good one. Maybe if you're not as 'available' to him he'll realise what he's missing.
Prioritise yourself this week, let yourself grieve for your parents, and treat yourself to some nice food and pampering stuff you wouldn't normally get.

Branleuse · 08/10/2018 12:49

He sounds inconsistent and a tightarse.

You dont have to be perfect to not act like a dick

Gemini69 · 08/10/2018 12:50

OP he sounds horrid.... chin up and focus on you Lady

Original poster

mermaid30 · 08/10/2018 12:52

@zzzzz no, he has his own house. She goes round to change his bed 😂😂

OP posts:

Popc0rn · 08/10/2018 13:07

"He says hes very generous but will not be taken for a ride..... He believes it's not up to the man to pay for everything, even if we have kids etc.... Hes obsessed with things being equal too."

How the hell is he very generous if he never actually pays for anything?!

If you got pregnant and were on maternity leave raising his child would he expect you to still contribute 50/50?

Also his mummy still makes his bed and does his ironing? No thanks!

1in4FrogsIsALeapFrog · 08/10/2018 14:20

So the more info you’ve shared, the less I feel like you need to give him any more chances. If you’re unhappy with how he approaches the relationship e.g. prioritising his mates, halfsies on everything etc (and I don’t feel that you are being unreasonable in this) then you should bin him off.

Don’t try to change him, just non him off and find someone better.
You sound like you already know that you should do this x

RhiWrites · 08/10/2018 14:37

He feels promising is the same as doing. He offers to treat you, you are made up and happy, he thinks job done.

Then when the occasion comes around he’s back to being selfish.

ilooovechristmas · 08/10/2018 14:51

My DH was 'taken for a ride' for 10 years in his last relationship and told me when we got together everything had to be equal... he still pays for everything for DD and pays every time we go out unless I'm treating him.... sounds like an A whole

jay55 · 08/10/2018 15:13

Never mind his tightness. You really don't want a mother in law who comes round to make the bed. Run now, run.

Spiderdemon · 08/10/2018 16:31

Also, he's all for equality and not being taken for a ride but happy to profit from his mum's free labour...

AngelsSins · 08/10/2018 16:41

Why don’t you mind?! You bloody well should, he’s acting like a gold digger here, all too happy to take, but doesn’t give.

I also can’t stand men who bang on about “equality” when it comes to money, but are all to happy to benefit from free labour from women, or simply not pull their own weight. It’s equality only when it suits them, and let’s be frank, he’s not even being equal with his money. He’s not good enough for you, you deserve a person that’s just as kind and generous as you are.

AngelsSins · 08/10/2018 16:46

He basically wants a woman who will pay at least half of everything, even on maternity leave, but also be his skivvy and do all the housework work and no doubt all future childcare so that his money isn’t impacted by having kids.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 08/10/2018 16:49

I'd be concerned about his general attitude to money and the future. In a partnership you don't penny pinch to that extent. Yes the man shouldn't have to pay for everything. But when you add it up and the lower earner pays for more joint things then there is something wrong.

I'd be asking him what he means by 'treating me'. Going halves isn't treating anyone to anything unless he values his time and own company much more than yours and thinks by turning up and paying his half he's done you a huge favour! It's a petty thing to do and the timing of it (anniversary etc) stinks. I treat my friends if they're down or having a hard month etc, and they do the same. Let alone my supposed nearest and dearest

Original poster

mermaid30 · 08/10/2018 19:44

I know what i should be doing. Ive barely spoken to him today and ive made plans all week and the weekend. Cant help missing him tho - im sure ill get over it eventually!

OP posts:

HildaZelda · 04/11/2018 17:36

Having read both this thread and your other thread, please end it NOW! Send him back to his Mummy.

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