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To not let in laws come and stay for Christmas?

78 replies

nineteenthday · 07/10/2018 16:53

DH is American and his parents still live over there but we moved back to the UK 4 years ago before we had our DC who are 3 and 5 months old.

For the last 2 christmases, we have traveled over to the US to visit. Last year I was PG and ended up suffering badly with sickness and missed out on the whole of Christmas Day pretty much aside from DS opening his stocking and a few presents with me in bed because MIL wanted all the family together opening presents “and it wasn’t her fault I was ill”.

This caused a major argument just before we came home (a whole other thread) meaning I didn’t talk to MIL till the day DD was born and that was for all of 30 seconds on FaceTime because she wasn’t interested how I felt after 52 hours in labour and EMCS but how pleased she was “she finally has her little girl” (DH has two brothers who both have sons and then we have DS)

When DD was a week old, MIL came to visit- told us before hand it would be for a week so agreed we would accommodate her. When she turned up she announced she was staying for a month, another argument and DH having to pay a fortune to fly her home the day after. Me and her have had zero contact since- DH took DS over for a week in August and I stayed at home with DD.

Anyway- MIL rang up yesterday to ask when we were coming over for Christmas. I answered, and said we wouldn’t be as we were spending this year with my parents who have never spent a Christmas with their DGC who are their only GKs. MIL then went on to say how her, FIL, BILs and their families could afford the flights over here. When I pointed out we hadn’t invited any of them (yes it has been agreed between me and DH) MIL went on a big rant about “how dare I keep her away from her babies at Christmas” and how selfish I was being. I’m not going to lie- I hung up to avoid screaming at her down the phone and got DH to call her back when he came in from work.

MIL has now guilt tripped DH into convincing me to let them all come for Christmas- which isn’t happening for the following:

  1. All the reasons discussed above.
  2. We live in a tiny 2 bed terrace, my parents are already staying meaning me and DH are on the sofa. MIL and FIL at least expect to stay here and there’s physically no room. At best all we could offer them is a blow up mattress in our WIW but it wouldn’t be deemed acceptable plus would mean basically sharing a room with my parents.

MIL thinks it’s unfair my parents get to see the D.C. on Christmas because “they seem them all the time”- which they do, they are our childcare 3 days a week, but they have never spent a Christmas with them.

OP posts:
SadieAB9 · 07/10/2018 16:57

No YANBU!!! They sound awful! Sod them, let them have Christmas alone and take some satisfaction out of knowing how annoyed they'll be about it. I would

SadTrombone · 07/10/2018 16:57

YADNBU. Your MIL sounds like a nightmare and your DH should not have agreed to host. Stick to your guns.

LusaCole · 07/10/2018 16:57

Your MIL sounds like a bit of a nightmare generally, but on this specific issue I do think it would be gracious of you to spend Christmas with DH's parents. Sorry. I know that's not the answer you want, but your parents see their grandchildren three times a week while DH's parents live abroad!

GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 16:58

She sounds like hard work
Send her links to hotels in the area
Tell her to book a Christmas restraint
Don't they celebrate thanks giving more than Christmas?

LilMy33 · 07/10/2018 17:00

Your DH is going to have to grow a pair and tell him mother that she and the rest of the family are not invited to yours for Christmas after all. He might also want to point out that the more she kicks off about it the more likely it is that you all won’t be spending future christmases with her and the rest of the family.

6SpringCats · 07/10/2018 17:02

You can't stop them coming but you can refuse to see them or have them in your house. Let them book a hotel and dh can take the children to see them after lunch
They are bloody lucky to have seen as much of you as they have from the sound of it - "her babies" indeed!!!

KurriKurri · 07/10/2018 17:02

Stick to your guns, and I wouldn't say to her it's because you are going to your parents because it's their turn (although obviously it is - but that migth mean she insists it's her turn next year) I would tell her it is because whenever you have contact with her she is rude and argumentative, she spoilt Christmas last year and you don;t want her spoiling the children's Christmas. She sounds toxic.
She can visit another time and if she behaves, then maybe Christmas in the future.
And they aren't her babies, they are yours.

Orchidflower1 · 07/10/2018 17:02

Could you compramuse and have in laws in a nearby hotel? If they can afford the Christmas flights now they could afford the hotel - they have time to save if needs be. Also if your parents are your child care I assume they live fairly locally could they just stay one night? Come Christmas Eve have the day and night but go home cristnas night?

0lgaDaPolga · 07/10/2018 17:02

No yanbu. You have decided to spend this Christmas with your parents and the inlaws aren’t invited. They sound like hard work and I can see why you wouldn’t want them there even if you could physically accommodate them.

EmilyRosiEl · 07/10/2018 17:03

Yes a little bit- she adores her grandchildren and son. She's seen her son and grandson for 7 / 365 days and only met her granddaughter once.

That said she has been unreasonable in the following situations:

  • After the birth: she should absolutely have cared about your health and recovery

  • Arriving for a month after agreeing a week!

  • Making you be involved in present-opening last Christmas when you were poorly.

Nonetheless try to empathise with her a little bit- if you wanted to see your son and his kids in 25 years time but his wife would not let you- how would you feel? How would you feel if your grandchildren's other grandparents got to see them all the time but you had only met your granddaughter once?

The most reasonable thing to do would be to allow your in-laws to come over either side of Christmas (not necessarily the day itself if you'd prefer) BUT to stay in a hotel or holiday rental and only for a week or fortnight. That way there is enough space for you to get away from them; they can see their DGC and son AND your kids can have a relationship with both sets of grandparents.
CottonSock · 07/10/2018 17:04

I don't think I'd ever let her in my house again!

Xocaraic · 07/10/2018 17:06

Is there any chance you could accommodate them post Christmas but before or close to New Year? Would they be happy with that compromise?
Whatever decision you make is going to upset someone given you have 2bed terrace.
They have to put on their big boy/girl pants and realise they must make alternate plans. They also need to understand that Christmas to you means something different to you and you can’t acquiesce to their requirements. Your allegiance must be to your husband and vice versa.

fuzzywuzzy · 07/10/2018 17:07

Ask your dh where he’s going to put up his parents, brother, their wives and kids.

As your house is already full.

I think your perfectly entitled to want to spend st least one Christmas with your parents for a change.

And personally, I wouldn’t spend another Christmas with mil if she were that rude and callous towards me. And your babies are not her babies. You IL’s are hardly going to spend Xmas alone she’s got two other sons to impose upon.

Tortoisecharlie · 07/10/2018 17:07

It’s too volatile for Christmas. I think that you need one okay visit before big occasions can happen?

The bigger picture is, can you ever get some common ground with your mil? It would be good if you could. Saying that, my in laws are awful and I’d be happy if I never spoke to them again I’m breaking up with DP over it! So I understand. However if there is any way you can call a truce, it would be better?

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 07/10/2018 17:09

If you have a 2 bed house, I assume your kitchen /dining room wouldn't cope with PIL/BIL/SIL etc as well as your parents. And you.

Go total Zammo on them - if your DH sent MIL back last time, he's on your side, yes?

fuzzywuzzy · 07/10/2018 17:09

@EmilieRosie if OP wants to ensure she sees her son as an adult at Xmas, she’s do well not to behave like her current mil towards her future theoretical dil.

If you behave like a witch, people are not going to bend over backwards to accommodate you. And nor should they.

Thebluedog · 07/10/2018 17:09

YADNBU stick to your guns.

HellenaHandbasket · 07/10/2018 17:11

There is no room in your house for more overnight guests. Big no.

However I wouldn't even have your parents staying, they must live pretty close?

user139328237 · 07/10/2018 17:13

To be honest I'd think any grandparents who live near enough to be used for regular childcare were being rather selfish in staying overnight if the other set of grandparents lived half way across the world wanted to visit at that time.
You seem to fail to account for differences in culture between the US and the UK that would explain a lot of their behaviour.
You need to put boundaries in place over the length of visits but they are not being unreasonable to want to come over at a significant time of the year when the time they can spend with their grandchildren is severely limited and unlike with your parents a shorter daytime visit is simply not a possibility.

PillowOfSociety · 07/10/2018 17:14

I’m not suggesting you should host the whole clan from America, far from it, but why do your parents need to statbthe night if they live close enough to do childcare x3 a week?

I think you probably need to make some concessions to your DH being able to share his children with his parents, maybe do alternate Christmases and go to the U.S for Thanksgiving on the non-Christmas year?

She seems difficult and pushy, you seem volatile.

Angrybird345 · 07/10/2018 17:17

Why the hell are you in the suds when your parents could go home Christmas Day night!

But no to mil - stick to your guns!!

ForalltheSaints · 07/10/2018 17:18

YANBU to not have them staying in your house. Staying nearby and coming over for a meal either on Christmas or Boxing Day would seem OK to me.


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GreenTulips · 07/10/2018 17:20

I don't think OPs parents staying is the real issue - they do childcare they should also get to enjoy some of the fun times as grandparents

Reguardless, MIL appears over dramatic pain in the butt who's unkind to DIL and only wants her own way

Who the hell insists kids open their gifts without their mother present? And then says 'it's not my fault you were I'll?' How rude

BewareOfDragons · 07/10/2018 17:20

Tell your DH he's lost his mind and the answer is a Hard No. And he can tell her that himself.

IdaDown · 07/10/2018 17:21

Why on earth would the BiLs, their wives and kids want to haul over to the U.K. for Christmas?!

MiL is grandstanding.

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