To not let in laws come and stay for Christmas?

[nineteenthday]

DH is American and his parents still live over there but we moved back to the UK 4 years ago before we had our DC who are 3 and 5 months old.

For the last 2 christmases, we have traveled over to the US to visit. Last year I was PG and ended up suffering badly with sickness and missed out on the whole of Christmas Day pretty much aside from DS opening his stocking and a few presents with me in bed because MIL wanted all the family together opening presents “and it wasn’t her fault I was ill”.

This caused a major argument just before we came home (a whole other thread) meaning I didn’t talk to MIL till the day DD was born and that was for all of 30 seconds on FaceTime because she wasn’t interested how I felt after 52 hours in labour and EMCS but how pleased she was “she finally has her little girl” (DH has two brothers who both have sons and then we have DS)

When DD was a week old, MIL came to visit- told us before hand it would be for a week so agreed we would accommodate her. When she turned up she announced she was staying for a month, another argument and DH having to pay a fortune to fly her home the day after. Me and her have had zero contact since- DH took DS over for a week in August and I stayed at home with DD.

Anyway- MIL rang up yesterday to ask when we were coming over for Christmas. I answered, and said we wouldn’t be as we were spending this year with my parents who have never spent a Christmas with their DGC who are their only GKs. MIL then went on to say how her, FIL, BILs and their families could afford the flights over here. When I pointed out we hadn’t invited any of them (yes it has been agreed between me and DH) MIL went on a big rant about “how dare I keep her away from her babies at Christmas” and how selfish I was being. I’m not going to lie- I hung up to avoid screaming at her down the phone and got DH to call her back when he came in from work.

MIL has now guilt tripped DH into convincing me to let them all come for Christmas- which isn’t happening for the following:

1. All the reasons discussed above.
2. We live in a tiny 2 bed terrace, my parents are already staying meaning me and DH are on the sofa. MIL and FIL at least expect to stay here and there’s physically no room. At best all we could offer them is a blow up mattress in our WIW but it wouldn’t be deemed acceptable plus would mean basically sharing a room with my parents.

MIL thinks it’s unfair my parents get to see the D.C. on Christmas because “they seem them all the time”- which they do, they are our childcare 3 days a week, but they have never spent a Christmas with them.

AIBU?

Invite them up for thanksgiving instead. Also ask them to cook because you don't know their traditions. Also book them a hotel, or a group self catering place.

I move heaven and earth to make sure my husband has a good relationship with his family. I have family who live abroad and they are welcome any time with open arms but on here you’ll definitely have the majority of people saying you should suit yourself.

No way.

But Teddy, they have gone to the US the last 2 years for Christmas. I don't see why they can't have a quiet one at home this year.

The mil doesn't just get to steamroller over plans that are already set.

I'm another one who prefers to keep the peace, but on my terms. So, I'd send them details of a local Premier Inn, explain your plans, eg. Christmas Eve supper, Christmas Day, Boxing Day walk. Then go away for New Year with just your dcs...

I don’t think this is about fairness between your parents and yourPiL in how much they get to see the children. This is about the fact your MiL treats you awfully and you don’t want to spend time with her. Don’t make it about fairness, because then you’ll be basically agreeing to every other year with PiL and you should be saying you aren’t going to be spending any more time with them and they aren’t welcome in your house.

No, she's awful. She's made her bed with 'it wasn’t her fault you were ill', 'she wasn’t interested how you felt after 52 hours in labour and EMCS', she 'finally has her little girl' (weird!), trying to get to stay for a month under false pretences, inviting her whole fucking family to your house for Christmas, ranting at you...

Let her lie in it.

I would put my foot down as well, otherwise your MIL will know that she only has to scream and shout to get her own way. But it would be nice if you arrange another time for them to come over (could they come for Thanksgiving?) and let them know that you will alternate so you'll be with them next year.

I’m American and this isn’t an American thing. It’s a rude MIL thing. Culturally Christmas is a bigger deal than Thanksgiving.
I live in the U.K. with British DP and DD. I agree you need boundaries and a set arrangement. MIL cannot expect to have every Christmas. It’s not fair on anyone. Personally I refuse point blank to go home for any major holidays (divorced and remarried parents over complicated it).
In your case I would agree to every other Christmas and then alternate with a longer visit in the summer of the years you miss Christmas. Obviously subject to it being affordable.
The bigger deal is that your DH needs to lay down the law on whatever you decide to do. He needs to not let his mum get away with being rude and railroad over your plans, sounds like he has done so in the past.

I can’t emphasise enough (after 10+ years here) how important it is to have a structure to visits.

well, she doesn't sound like the nicest, but I think YAB a bit U, it's tough being away from family, and Christmas is a specially hard time, also, it's you DH's mother, if he loves her and likes her (and they sound like an exceptionally close family if they are all willing to come over for Christmas) I would watch it, because it can create a rift and resentment between you and you DH, it's his family, they are far away, you get to see your parents all the time, he does not

I must say, I also can't believe you flew his mother back after one day, ok, she should have not tried to trick you into having her longer than you were comfortable with, especially when you had a young baby, but clearly she feels pushed out? surely a compromise could have been reached? for example, the money you used to fly her back could have been put towards a hotel so you had some space but she could visit

you sound both a little unreasonable I am afraid, I feel sorry for your DH and DCs, they are going to suffer for this and miss out

Sounds like you are in an entrenched status battle with MIL; and it is for you to decide whether it is fixable/redeemable and how much compromise/forgivenness/allowing you are capable of, genuinely as these things can't be faked!
I would say the key issue to address is the relationship between you and hubby, to ensure you are both on the same page, understanding mutually and taking decisions jointly, so that MIL cannot triangulate.
Best of luck

YANBU. Apart from sounding like a weapons-grade bitch, your MIL has a damn cheek inviting herself for a month when your DH conceded to a week.

All this fuss over being with your DC who are too young to understand Christmas anyway.. Much more fun to share in 2 or 3 years.. How do her it other GKs feel about coming 2nd best?
Tell her the invitation is withdrawn because of her past behaviour and bridges need to be mended before you spend time with them again or to

My observation of the US last year was that thanksgiving seemed to be a bigger celebration in some ways than Christmas, but Christmas was more DC focused. That said given you won't care about thanksgiving and you MIL is a total PITA why don't you invite her for thanksgiving instead. It won't matter if she wrecks the time with tantrums because it isn't a time that means anything to you but it will be a noted time for her and your DH, you also have the space to host her then. Explain Christmas simply has been fully booked this year.

Her behaviour is slightly crazy but I can see why YABU too. Your parents do spend loads more time with your DCs and do live closer to your home. I think both sides are being unreasonable here. It is hard for your DH to be stuck in the middle as all his family is in the USA.
I think your parents can stay at their home but join you all over Christmas.

Your MIL sounds as batshit as Samantha Markle!

It sounds like you just don't like MIL. Tbh, most of what you complain about could be explained away by her being overexcited to spend Christmas with her grandchild and then being overexcited about her first granddaughter, particularly since she doesn't have daughters of her own.

Did you and your husband really send her home to USA after 1 day?

They're your dh's family and while obviously if you don't have physical space to accommodate them, they will have to get a hotel but I think YABU to say they can't come at all.

With that set up sounds unreasonable for anyone to be staying overnight tbh. misses point

MIL and co can get a hotel and all go out for an awkward lunch on Boxing Day or something. Job done.

I feel for you as I've had similar battles previously with my parents, though thankfully the distance is hours rather than oceans. I may have been fairly at them when they spoke about how much they wanted to see the DC opening presents as children make Christmas then suggested my ILs didn't deserve that because they saw the DC more. Just because they're geographically closer and more able to help us out apparently mean they weren't allowed a similar amount of joy.

Yes, your ILs probably do wish they saw the DC more but that doesn't give them the right to dictate when or how your DPs do. That and your MILs other behaviour and I'd feel the same.

Let your DH handle it. Find them a hotel and somewhere that will cater for them for day. You can visit for a defined time at some point on the day that suits the DC. I'm sure that won't be seen as good enough and may solve the issue itself.

Why shouldn't OP's DP's stay the night if that's what everyone has agreed? Perhaps they'd like to have a drink and not worry about who's going to drive home? Perhaps they're excited to see their DGC's open their presents first thing Christmas morning since they've never been able to before? It really doesn't matter. The point is, it's been arranged and it would be really shit for OP to have to tell her DP's she's rescinding the invitation to stay in order to accomodate her nightmare in laws.

OP, I don't blame you for wanting a break from your in laws this Christmas but you need to decide whether you're going to go down the route of refusing to see them full stop (and how this might impact on your relationship with DH) or consider if there's a compromise here. For example, you could tell DH you're not willing to have them as overnight guests but they could stay in a local hotel and visit the house on Christmas day? That way you can't be accused of denying MIL time with her DGC's or her DS but you don't have them invading your space.

You've got a DH problem here as often gets said. He needs to be firm with his mum and tell her that her previous insensitivity has led to this so she now needs to back off a bit. I second saying let them come at a nearby time instead (e.g. early December or New Year) but not Christmas. They don't get to overrule you every time they want.

My parents live 1.5 hours away- they live near DHs work so he drops them off on the way to work which is why they able to do childcare. Plus part of Christmas is being together on Christmas Eve for us too.

Thanksgiving- we discussed going over, but I’ll be too busy with work as it’s only a month before Christmas and it’s ties in with Black Friday (I work in retail) and DH doesn’t want to go alone.

If MIL was less of a nightmare she would be welcome to come and visit whenever she wanted to. Up until this year we have visited at least 3 times a year and vice versa. She’s always been a PITA but I’ve held my tounge for years and I’ve had enough.

Thanks everyone

Fuck no. My in laws are also a nightmare and I would rather gouge my eyeballs out with a rusty spoon than have them for Christmas.

Keep repeating no, no, NO.

Tell them to get a hotel and you'll see them Boxing Day.

I cannot stand Grandparents who call grandchildren "their babies". My MIL does this and I have say there and said "I think you'll find she isn't your baby, she's mine and DHs"

Could you all go to your parents and them just not extend the invitation to your in-laws? It sounds too intensive for Christmas Day.