To not let in laws come and stay for Christmas?

[nineteenthday]

DH is American and his parents still live over there but we moved back to the UK 4 years ago before we had our DC who are 3 and 5 months old.

For the last 2 christmases, we have traveled over to the US to visit. Last year I was PG and ended up suffering badly with sickness and missed out on the whole of Christmas Day pretty much aside from DS opening his stocking and a few presents with me in bed because MIL wanted all the family together opening presents “and it wasn’t her fault I was ill”.

This caused a major argument just before we came home (a whole other thread) meaning I didn’t talk to MIL till the day DD was born and that was for all of 30 seconds on FaceTime because she wasn’t interested how I felt after 52 hours in labour and EMCS but how pleased she was “she finally has her little girl” (DH has two brothers who both have sons and then we have DS)

When DD was a week old, MIL came to visit- told us before hand it would be for a week so agreed we would accommodate her. When she turned up she announced she was staying for a month, another argument and DH having to pay a fortune to fly her home the day after. Me and her have had zero contact since- DH took DS over for a week in August and I stayed at home with DD.

Anyway- MIL rang up yesterday to ask when we were coming over for Christmas. I answered, and said we wouldn’t be as we were spending this year with my parents who have never spent a Christmas with their DGC who are their only GKs. MIL then went on to say how her, FIL, BILs and their families could afford the flights over here. When I pointed out we hadn’t invited any of them (yes it has been agreed between me and DH) MIL went on a big rant about “how dare I keep her away from her babies at Christmas” and how selfish I was being. I’m not going to lie- I hung up to avoid screaming at her down the phone and got DH to call her back when he came in from work.

MIL has now guilt tripped DH into convincing me to let them all come for Christmas- which isn’t happening for the following:

1. All the reasons discussed above.
2. We live in a tiny 2 bed terrace, my parents are already staying meaning me and DH are on the sofa. MIL and FIL at least expect to stay here and there’s physically no room. At best all we could offer them is a blow up mattress in our WIW but it wouldn’t be deemed acceptable plus would mean basically sharing a room with my parents.

MIL thinks it’s unfair my parents get to see the D.C. on Christmas because “they seem them all the time”- which they do, they are our childcare 3 days a week, but they have never spent a Christmas with them.

AIBU?

Why don't you stay at your parents house for Christmas instead of them coming to yours At leat you wont be at home to entertain the outlawx6

She sounds awful. Surprised you didn’t tell her to f* off! Her babies!! Er no.

Say no. YANBU to have Christmas with just your parents this year

YANBU. Perhaps if MiL had been a supportive and nice person to you, then you would be happy to host them and this wouldn't be an issue. But she hasn't been, so she shouldn't be enabled to get whatever she wants when she's behaved so horribly to you.

She doesn't get to treat people like shit and then get annoyed when they don't want to be around her.

My goodness she sounds awful and very, very hard work. YANBU to spend Christmas with your parents for a change. Could you try and compromise - Thanksgiving with ILs and Christmas with your parents?

I can see both sides tbh. Dh is not English and misses his family greatly on big public holidays, as do his family miss him, which is why I’ve always been pretty flexible. However, i get that your mil is hard work. I’d find a local hotel for them all, send the details and offer to see them all on Boxing Day instead. Them Living in the US should help you get through a few days with them.

Don't they celebrate thanks giving more than Christmas?

Yank here. Christmas is a substantially bigger holiday here. What most families do is spend Thanksgiving (one word) with one set of GP's and Christmas with the other, then switch the following year.

I second the hotel idea. They can do some sightseeing while they're visiting.

@nineteenthday I had one question for you. At the top you said

DH is American and his parents still live over there

Are his parents from the UK originally? If they're Americans the "still" live over there seemed odd.

Good luck sorting it. MN has made me appreciate what a completely lovely and respectful MIL I've been blessed with.

I think you should invite everybody for Xmas day, hire or borrow a few chairs, all squeeze around the table. It'll be manic and brilliant. Your in-laws should be helped into booking a hotel and you and your husband be absolutely clear on what days and when you will see them. Keeps everyone happy. (My son has not spent Xmas with us since acquiring a girlfriend 9 years ago so I know how it feels.)

Tell dh he has 2 Choices he sticks with the plan you made as a family or ylu will take the children and enjoy Christmas at your parents and he can entertain his family wherever he wants!

"MIL has now guilt tripped DH into convincing me to..."

Well how's that going to work if you have already decided no?

It's great that they could travel to you for a change, but you have plans so maybe they need to think about Christmas 2019?

I don't exactly get the present thing though.

Was your son supposed to open all of his presents with you in bed?

If DH won't back track then tell him he has to sort out sleeping arrangements food and entertainment and watch him panic!

Sit back and enjoy

You might find the very high cost of booking Christmas flights this late on could work in your favor...

Tell her to fuck off

I think your mil is a fantasist. Where does she think everyone will stay? Tell your dh to organise hotels for his family. Then organise a restaurant for Christmas Day. There’s no way you can fit that lot into a 2 bed terrace, it’s bonkers.

Tell your DH to manup and tell his parents that this year you are spending christmas with your parents, end of discussion and even if they turn up you they will not be staying with you. I would do as others have suggested and spend christmas at your parents' house, then if your inlaws do turn up, all they will find is an empty house. They have got to learn that they can't have everything their own way. It is normal to take it in turns to share christmas with each side of the family and this year it is not their turn.

Don't pander to her. She is used to people giving in to her and has learned that if she creates a fuss she gets her own way. Don't make excuses either. DH just needs to say no to her and explain you have plans for this year and they won't be changing. He needs to be firm and NOT blame you.

I've never understood this idea (I only read about on MN) with stuffing countless family members into small houses at Christmas, I don't even understand why you would want to spend Christmas sleeping on someone's living room floor. I would say they're welcome to come but they'll need accommodation and to entertain themselves some of the time. I imagine they'll want to do some sightseeing while they're here? I would dictate terms.

""To be honest I'd think any grandparents who live near enough to be used for regular childcare were being rather selfish in staying overnight if the other set of grandparents lived half way across the world wanted to visit at that time.""

I agree with the above.

Did you discuss with your DH how the relationship with his Parents and your Children's Grandparents were going to be managed before you left?

Who escalated the argument that she had to return straight home, after the many hours of Travelling?

It sounds as though you've made your mind up who is Family to your DC and who isn't, which is very selfish.

They are both your children, I take it that it's both your house, you don't get to dictate what happens with both.

Gosh- this is why I love just having myself, DH and our 2 DS for Christmas hehe xx

YANBU, OP. Your DH needs to step up and tell your MIL to back off. Otherwise she will only get worse as I know from bitter experience...

"""To be honest I'd think any grandparents who live near enough to be used for regular childcare were being rather selfish in staying overnight if the other set of grandparents lived half way across the world wanted to visit at that time."""

Except that those GPs have been invited to stay over!

I honestly think I'd tell your dh to tell them to come another time altogether or you'll book a holiday cottage for you, your kids & parents, not tell him where and he can stay and entertain his family while you do yours. He has had the last two Christmases with his family, fuck that, fair is fair it's your turn. In fact while you are at it you may as well fight for next Christmas now too

The thing is, if you back down over this Christmas you'll spend the next twenty years doing what your MIL wants each Christmas, regardless of your parents/childrens needs.

At some point MIL's need to back down and understand they only have a bit part in their children's lives. That day needs to come, and soon.

They could come by all means but your house isnt going to be their hotel. They can sort that out and that your house is not a revolving door for them to appear when they want say you can come at x and y time but must be away by z time