To ask your opinions in this situation with close friend?

[shitfriend]

Because right now I feel like the worst person the planet, and keep going over and over it in my head and wanted to get some perspective.

Close group of friends from uni days, we're all much older now! Been through a lot together over the years. One of the groups wedding the other day, we were all bridesmaids. It was the most perfect day, ran smoothly, bride and groom very happy and in love, dances the night away etc. Got home and had a call from one of my best friends in tears saying how hurt she was. I was so confused until she explained it was about a 'joke' I'd made about tenna lady. Now, when we were at uni there was one of those silly moments where we were all laughing, this friend had tears running down her face and someone said quick, get the tenna lady! So at the wedding we were together (before any drinking if it's important) with 1 other person who was from brides work but we all knew her. Laughing away and I said 'quick, get the tenna lady.' I thought I was referencing the uni joke, but what I had forgotten was 4 years ago friend had confided in us she had bladder control issues. She thought I was making a joke about this, and now says she doesn't think she can trust me again. I think I've just lost a very close friend over this. Even when I explained she's obviously now very hurt I forgot the conversation, and I am so lost and confused that I could forget something so important.

I don't know whether there's anything I can do, I sent a long rambling email last night which I think has just made it worst, so I'm leaving her alone now. I can't believe I've hurt someone I love so much. I've always struggled with memory when it comes to real life, I'm very good at remembering words and lyrics but not past events. Don't know if it's important but in the last 4 years I've had 2 late miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy and a bad birth. I have 1 wonderful DS but I am deeply traumatised from everything I've been through, and haven't had time to process it yet. Will this be affecting my memory? I feel like I've let all my friends down, and it's tarnishing the memory of such a perfect day. AIBU to say I'm a true shit friend, and I don't know if I'll ever get her back.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP.

Your explanation should be enough. Give your friend space and I'm sure she will realise she's over reacting massively. If she doesn't, she is being vvvvvvvv u.

I think it’s lovely that you’re so concerned about your friend’s feelings. If she holds this against you then IMO it’s an overreaction on her part and she is BU.

Your friend might feel a bit stupid that she's overreacted and got it all so wrong. Maybe it will take some time for her just to move on

She jumped to the assumption that you were making a joke about her. She mustn't think that much of you.

She is being dramatic. Don’t pander to her.

You have explained and apologised that should be enough.

She needs to be told how hurt you are that, after many years of friendship, she thinks you would be cruel enough to do as she has suggested. You thought she knew you better. You are very upset.

Your apology and forgetting is so obviously genuine.

She should accept apology and move on. If she doesn't it's her loss it really is

She's totally overreacting op, you explained what you meant and now she just needs to get over it.

Tbh I would be questioning our friendship after this anyway, give her a bit of a wide berth.

She’s being ridiculous. You’re explanation is perfectly reasonable. Just leave her to it and if she doesn’t realise she’s being ridiculous it’s her loss, not yours.

YANBU - give her time, if she loves u as much as you love her it will be fine ... if not perhaps she isn't the friend you thought she was.

Hmmmm well, it is a bit strange that she automatically assumed you were making a (not very nice) joke at her expense. Do you have form for making jokes that are a little bit close to the bone?

I don’t think she’s being “ridiculous” tbh. It’s just a misunderstanding. I don’t know why she isn’t accepting your explanation unless she simply doesn’t believe you. And if she doesn’t believe you then maybe she thinks less of you than you thought.

You’ve done nothing wrong. A lot has gone on in your life and you just forgotten.

But intention is everything. Your intention was good.
Unfortunately if your friend can’t see that she’s being a bit unreasonable. Hopefully in time she’ll see that.

Well you've done what you can to explain, now give her time. Really, if you're that close she'll understand given a bit of perspective.

What everyone else said. Is your friend normally a bit of a dramalama?

Your friend is being ridiculous. Hope your email to her wasn't too long and ramble'y

Sending you a mahoosive hug OP, you sound very genuine. You have to remember that nothing stays the same, including people. You have been through a very stressful and tough time, ongoing I'm sure. Your memory of past events, is clouded by your most recent traumatic events. For your friend to react as she has done, so extremely, sounds like her life is rather empty, so her past is still very much in the present.
You have done all you can, let that be the end of it. When your friend has had time to process everything, maybe she'll feel differently.
On the grand scale of things, this is nothing for you to lose sleep over.

I don't really understand the posters saying your friend over reacted. Of course she thought it was a dig at her and of course she was hurt and upset as she had confided in you and then it seemed like you were making fun of her over something difficult that she is living with. She probably didn't even remember the joke from uni days.

While hurting her wasn't your intention, your comment was tactless and hurtful. The fact you forgot about something serious in her life that she had confided was also hurtful. You've explained and apologised. I would follow up by sending an apology card and maybe some flowers, say you didn't mean to hurt her and that you're sorry. If you're generally a good friend, she will hopefully accept your apology and move on.

I'm a 58 year old woman who after child birth had a prolapsed bladder. My menopausal friends and I crack jokes about Tena Lady. I am struggling to see why very young women would have done at uni to be honest. To bring it up again with the benefit of maturity and knowing your friend has struggled I think is staggeringly distasteful, more so against the hope and joy of a wedding where the BMs represent love, support and friendship.

I get you didn't mean it but it was inappropriate for the occasion regardless of whether your friend had disclosed her problem.

I'm sorry for your losses and the difficult times you've been happening. Of course you've been traumatised and your memory would be affected by all that.

A true friend would know and understand that you truly didn't mean to hurt her and that it wasn't about her, especially after you apologised and explained as you have. The joke preceded her issues, and she knows that, unless she, too, is having memory problems, which I'm sure you would understand about, too.

You have a explained and apologised, You feel awful. You have told her this. If she continues to ignore that and not want to be your friend, she is overreacting, but there's not much you can do about it. You really haven't done anything wrong here.

Hopefully she'll come to her senses.

I can understand why she is upset and why you are upset. But people say stupid things from time to time and it isn´t the end of the world and it shouldn't be the end of a long term friendship. Just leave it for now. Hopefully she'll rethink things when the feelings have subsided.

@Sugarpiehoneyeye - For your friend to react as she has done, so extremely, sounds like her life is rather empty, so her past is still very much in the present.

I think you're misreading the original post. The friend has bladder control issues, which she confided in the op. The op made a joke about bladder control issues. How is that living in the past?

I'm sure the op would be upset if someone made a joke about any of the issues in her life, particularly if she had confided in the person about them previously.

If this was ‘one of my best friends’ and someone you say you ‘love so much’, then I would work hard to get the friendship back.

If it was me and I lived close, a I’d send her a huge bunch of flowers with a simple “I’m so sorry. It really was referring to something else, but I’m so sorry for my thoughtlessness. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I really want to get our closeness back. Can I take you our for coffee or a wine to talk it over and apologise in person?”

Then I would wait and hope time was a healer. If it took longer than a month, i’d ask a mutual friend to gauge if I should make another overture.

I say this on the basis that good friends, who are also old friends are rare and should be valued. I would be prepared to work to keep them, because of the richness they bring to my life. Also, if the relationship doesn’t get back on track, at least in years to come when you kick yourself, or if other friends reference it, you know you did everything you could to try and get it back.

You told a joke.

She misunderstood joke.

You apologised for upsetting her insuring her it a) wasn't aimed at her b) didn't intend to upset.

A good friend worth having on your life would forgive you.

Your friend is overreacting massively. You made a joke, perhaps not in great taste but you apologised and appear to be truly sorry. If friend keeps dragging this out she's being a drama queen.