To ask your opinions in this situation with close friend?

[shitfriend]

Because right now I feel like the worst person the planet, and keep going over and over it in my head and wanted to get some perspective.

Close group of friends from uni days, we're all much older now! Been through a lot together over the years. One of the groups wedding the other day, we were all bridesmaids. It was the most perfect day, ran smoothly, bride and groom very happy and in love, dances the night away etc. Got home and had a call from one of my best friends in tears saying how hurt she was. I was so confused until she explained it was about a 'joke' I'd made about tenna lady. Now, when we were at uni there was one of those silly moments where we were all laughing, this friend had tears running down her face and someone said quick, get the tenna lady! So at the wedding we were together (before any drinking if it's important) with 1 other person who was from brides work but we all knew her. Laughing away and I said 'quick, get the tenna lady.' I thought I was referencing the uni joke, but what I had forgotten was 4 years ago friend had confided in us she had bladder control issues. She thought I was making a joke about this, and now says she doesn't think she can trust me again. I think I've just lost a very close friend over this. Even when I explained she's obviously now very hurt I forgot the conversation, and I am so lost and confused that I could forget something so important.

I don't know whether there's anything I can do, I sent a long rambling email last night which I think has just made it worst, so I'm leaving her alone now. I can't believe I've hurt someone I love so much. I've always struggled with memory when it comes to real life, I'm very good at remembering words and lyrics but not past events. Don't know if it's important but in the last 4 years I've had 2 late miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy and a bad birth. I have 1 wonderful DS but I am deeply traumatised from everything I've been through, and haven't had time to process it yet. Will this be affecting my memory? I feel like I've let all my friends down, and it's tarnishing the memory of such a perfect day. AIBU to say I'm a true shit friend, and I don't know if I'll ever get her back.

You need to see each other or at least talk on the phone.

Just explain that the feeling of togetherness and laughter had taken you back to that joke and in the moment you made absolutely no connection between that and what she confided in you. And you’re sorry and love her.

You’ve probably already said that - give her time.

If she has decided you are no longer friends because you referenced a joke then she’s a fool.

In answer to your question. Yes, it is totally normal for your memory to be affected. Mine is. I am chronically ill and recently got very ill and was in a lot of pain - more than normal. Investigations led to me having a hysterectomy. Even now I just can’t retain things as I used to. The gynaecologist has told me this if my health improves this will improve.

Anything, which causes some type of trauma will affect memory. Tbh I’d be very upset with this woman for not accepting your explanation. She sounds incredibly self centred. You’ve had a terrible few years.

Just give it some time. It was a genuine mistake. I can see why she’s hurt because it must have seemed cruel to her at the time, but now that you have explained she should be able to move past it.

When you hurt someone by accident, even in a totally genuine accident, the person you hurt may still want and is still entitled, to some time to move past it. They still experienced the hurt and that doesn’t just go away because you know it wasn’t caused deliberately.

The fact that she told you why she was hurt and didn’t just cut you out without giving you a chance to explain shows she still wants to be your friend, in my opinion.

Don’t suggest to her that your own experiences have affected your memory. It sounds like you’re making excuses when you don’t need to, because all humans make mistakes and it’s just part of life. It also could feel emotionally manipulative to her, that you’re drawing attention to your hardships so that she can’t be upset with you over this. I know that wouldn’t be your intention but it’s how it could feel.

It will be ok - you’re a nice person, you apologised, it just needs some time.

Your friend has bladder control issues and you joked about tena lady. Tbh I can see why she'd be hurt and assume you were referncing something more recent than your university days.

I feel so sorry for you. You clearly feel awful and I hope you can both sort it out.

She's being hugely dramatic. Is everything always about her?

@MorningsEleven - hardly dramatic to be upset at a friend making a joke about a medical issue you are suffering, particularly when you confided in her about the problem.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, I do feel awful still. The last time she mentioned her bladder control problems was 4 years ago, before things kicked off for me, and she hasn't mentioned it since. I wasn't even aware it was still an issue, for some reason all us being together and the fact I was feeling a bit emotional about my friend getting married obviously took me back to when we first met and when we first made our bonds. I was thinking and referenced some of our jokes and songs from that time, we all did. I managed to forget something that happened in the middle, but not recently. I am hurt she thinks I would make a joke at her expense, I wouldn't do that to anyone intentionally. She's the only one of the group still single, and I was very aware of that the whole day and was careful that she wasn't reminded of that as she's also sensitive about that. I hope I can save our friendship, we've been through so much id hate to loose her. I told her in my email ramble that I'd leave her in peace so I'll do that and let her make the next move. Thank you all for helping me gain perspective.

Oh, for one poster who got the wrong end of stick, the uni joke wasn't because of a medical problem, it was because we were all laughing so much.

Complete overreaction on her part.

You've said sorry and explained, you can't do any more, so I would just leave it be now.

I don’t think she overreacted, she must feel that her confiding in you about her issues counts for nothing if you’ve forgotten so easily. However you do seem genuinely sorry and horrified this has happened so I would give her a couple of weeks then maybe email again just letting her know you’re still very sorry and would love to talk to/see her

Aww OP. I can understand your friend’s reaction but also I wonder if she needed a place to put her hurt, considering the circumstances (which isn’t fair to you, but...). A similar thing happened with me and a very close friend (my friend objected to me using an everyday word in its usual context as hurtful, and she exploded at me - I knew she was focusing on it as a way to express her pain but I was also angry at her irrationality). It took a few years of building up trust and contact and we are in a good place again now.

@shitfriend - the uni joke wasn't because of a medical problem, it was because we were all laughing so much

I think that may have been addressed to me as I said you made a joke about a medical issue your friend was suffering. I didn't think the uni joke was referring to a medical problem. However, you made a joke at the wedding about something that is currently a medical issue for your friend. The original joke is irrelevant. You appeared to make a joke about something she confided in you. That was not your intent but that is the way it appeared to her.

Blaming it on your memory sounds like you are trying to deflect blame back to her and minimise the impact of your joke. The fact you are claiming to be hurt she thinks you would do it to hurt her also sounds like you are trying to deflect blame to her for not getting the reference.

You've apologised. Do so again while sober as it sounds like the conversation and email were done after drinking. Accept that your joke was hurtful to her, explain that was not your intention but that you understand why she was hurt. Then leave it up to her how she responds. Hopefully she will see it was not intentional and move on.

I think she’s being a bit oversensitive and to cause drama over a friends wedding because of it is pretty unnecessary . I had bladder issues post child birth and pissed myself loads my friends and I joked about it all the time , it was such an upsetting thing for me it made it lighter to laugh about it . I’m not sure i would be able to be friends with someone who took every little thing to heart . I’d offer apology and if she continued to assume the worst of you I’d let friendship go .

Apologise again. Unreservedly and without any excuses or caveats. I wouldn't labour the points about your experiences and poor memory as it comes across like 'i've had bigger things to worry about than your problem' which is not what you mean to say.

Does she remember the original joke?

Explain that you should have remembered what she had told you and been more sensitive and that you would like to be a better friend to her in future. Explain that her friendship is important, but that if this really is the end then you won't hold any hard feelings.

Honestly, at worst this was a slight foot in mouth moment, which you've explained and apologised for. I work with a couple of people with bladder issues and "tenna lady/oops moments" jokes are common..... they use them a lot themselves. It's really not the big deal that your friend has turned it into. Back off for now and hopefully she'll calm down.

How far away does she live OP?

I’m not one to let people sit and fester and twist and text others who feel obliged to agree with them because they’re upset etc

I’m that annoying one to get in the car and go and make it right if needs be.

Just a thought. You obviously know her better and if she’s a space person.

I work with a couple of people with bladder issues and "tenna lady/oops moments" jokes are common..... they use them

That's fine if they make the jokes themselves. If the person suffering from the continence issues is sensitive about the problem and/or doesn't make jokes themselves, it is possibly a big deal to them and it is insensitive and rude to make jokes about it. I know the op wasn't making a joke about the friend's issues but the friend understandably interpreted it that way.

Yeah
Person A: I am hurt bc you said x bc y
Person B: OMG I didn't mean it, how can you think I would do that, I'M HURT NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT ME MY LIFE IS HARD BC Z
Is shitty gaslighting.
Actually after a life of bullying and abuse I wouldn't be surprised by anyone turning on me and making a dig at me, it's happened.
WTF does tears from laughter have to do with Tenalady anyway and why would a uni student say that? She won't even remember. She confided in you something very personal, and it's very understandable she linked your 'joke' to that. I'm sorry but no amount of stuff you've been through is an excuse OP. I've had mh issues, been suicidal, barely known what day it was and I've never said anything so insensitive. You need to apologise profusely and work on this.

Some people are so up their own arses they can’t see the wood for the trees. She’s struggling and over sensitive and it’s probably easy to lash out at you when she’s a bit messed up for whatever reason. It’s not about this joke you made and probably not about you at all. There’s not much more you can do than you’ve already done so I’d just continue as you were, ignoring her drama and treating her as the good friend you always thought she was. She can then decide whether she wants to continue being a twat or get over herself.

That's fine if they make the jokes themselves. If the person suffering from the continence issues is sensitive about the problem and/or doesn't make jokes themselves, it is possibly a big deal to them and it is insensitive and rude to make jokes about it. I know the op wasn't making a joke about the friend's issues but the friend understandably interpreted it that way.*

I mean, I'd agree with you if op had said it maliciously or if friend had confided in her in the last couple of months, but it was four years ago!! She's made a daft foot in mouth mistake, she's apologised for it..... I think a couple of the answers on here are a little bit dramatic to be honest!

Ps don’t mind the dramatic posters trying to add fuel to the fire, it’s simply more interesting to them to do that. In reality there’s no story here. Just someone determined to be offended.

Yes I think some posters are taking it a bit far, I'm not trying to deflect blame or gaslight I've completely taken responsibility for hurting her and said I don't know how to make it better other than to apologise. I haven't mentioned any of my problems to her as it's not the time, I only mentioned them here because I'm genuinely concerned at how bad my memory has got and wondered if it was affected by trauma. I haven't said anything to her apart from I had forgotten and I'm sorry I have such shit memory, and it's really not good that I did.

She sounds like a Pain in the Arse.. she ruined a perfectly wonderful day not You

💐 please try to stop beating yourself up. You referenced a joke from uni, with uni friends. Forgetting that ONCE, 4 YEARS AGO a friend had a bladder problem that’s never been mentioned since isn’t a crime. You spent the whole time being careful re her sensitivity at being single...she sounds like bloody hard work. I’d give her plenty of space to get over herself.