To ask your opinions in this situation with close friend?

[shitfriend]

Because right now I feel like the worst person the planet, and keep going over and over it in my head and wanted to get some perspective.

Close group of friends from uni days, we're all much older now! Been through a lot together over the years. One of the groups wedding the other day, we were all bridesmaids. It was the most perfect day, ran smoothly, bride and groom very happy and in love, dances the night away etc. Got home and had a call from one of my best friends in tears saying how hurt she was. I was so confused until she explained it was about a 'joke' I'd made about tenna lady. Now, when we were at uni there was one of those silly moments where we were all laughing, this friend had tears running down her face and someone said quick, get the tenna lady! So at the wedding we were together (before any drinking if it's important) with 1 other person who was from brides work but we all knew her. Laughing away and I said 'quick, get the tenna lady.' I thought I was referencing the uni joke, but what I had forgotten was 4 years ago friend had confided in us she had bladder control issues. She thought I was making a joke about this, and now says she doesn't think she can trust me again. I think I've just lost a very close friend over this. Even when I explained she's obviously now very hurt I forgot the conversation, and I am so lost and confused that I could forget something so important.

I don't know whether there's anything I can do, I sent a long rambling email last night which I think has just made it worst, so I'm leaving her alone now. I can't believe I've hurt someone I love so much. I've always struggled with memory when it comes to real life, I'm very good at remembering words and lyrics but not past events. Don't know if it's important but in the last 4 years I've had 2 late miscarriages, a difficult pregnancy and a bad birth. I have 1 wonderful DS but I am deeply traumatised from everything I've been through, and haven't had time to process it yet. Will this be affecting my memory? I feel like I've let all my friends down, and it's tarnishing the memory of such a perfect day. AIBU to say I'm a true shit friend, and I don't know if I'll ever get her back.

I want to clarify again, that I was just trying to put across your friends possible thought process, and throw some light on why she may have reacted as she did.

I don't think you are a shit friend. You sound like a lovely person, and obviously very upset about what has happened, it is obvious from your posts that absolutely no malice was intended on your part, and what you said was at worse thoughtless. But we all say and do thoughtless things. And when it comes to friendship, there are far, far worse things friends can do or say than a misplaced joke that accidentally hurts someone.

So I agree with others - don't beat yourself up, you had no intention to hurt. I think you have a good understanding of why your friend was hurt and are not dismissive of her feelings.
I also know from experience how illness and stress can play havoc with your memory, and things can very easily slip your mind.

I think because you are clearly so fond of her and so upset about this incident, that is a really good basis for you both to put this behind you and get back to being close friends, and I think you have a good chance of getting things back on track - don't despair .

You've apologised, let her know you wouldn't have deliberately hurt her for the world, and accepted your joke was thoughtless. I think now just give her a little space and time, and then maybe approach with an invitation for a coffee or a drink because you miss her and don't want this to come between you. Then you can reassure her it won't happen again.

She is overreacting, but she probably needs time to calm down and reassess.

@Italiangreyhound - and my point was that it was irrelevant to the friend and that the op should realise that.

Depression which I'm guessing you have suffered from due to the trauma as well as PTSD can affect memory. If you've taken MH meds then that would very likely increase that as well.

I would struggle to remember something from 4 years ago discussed once and never again unless it was something extremely serious (i.e. rape, assault, DV, deaths of close loved ones etc.) but I can remember some inside jokes from when I was a teen.

theymademejoin it's only irrelevant to the friend at the time because she didn't know it. And it only continues to be irrelevant to the friend if she doesn't believe her friend (the OP) now.

If she now believes that what the OP is saying is actually true then it should be very relevant for her to know her friend was not being horrible to her.

I get your point, at the time it seemed irrelevant but for me it is relevant. Let's just agree to disagree, I think we are not going to change each other's minds on this.

Don’t be too hard on yourself op. I am disabled. There are many things, which feature in my life that other people cannot dream of getting. The prep, which is involved is difficult. Even my dh doesn’t get it. I do find it upsetting when friends say the most stupid and hurtful things. I understand they say it from a place of ignorance not lack of care for me as a person so I do my best to let it go. It sounds as though this friend is rather sensitive. If it wasn’t this, it would have been something else so give yourself some slack.

Probably going to get flamed for this but I couldn't be friends with her. Her expectations are ridiculous. I wouldn't have remembered that conversation 4 years ago either, and I wouldn't want the pressure of feeling like every meeting with her was like prepping for a exam. If you don't retain all the info she tells you, god forbid, the drama you will suffer. No thank you. I'd have done as you have, apologised profusely for hurting her as that would not have been my intention, but I wouldn't go to any extra special effort to save that friendship for the terms and conditions are not ones I can accept. I would feel absolutely awful for upsetting her, but I'd have to be realistic about the future. I don't think I'd be able to enjoy that friendship anymore.

Sometimes it's time to move on from friendships. You have apologised for a slip of the tongue that referred to an old in-joke and not her past condition. Leave the ball in her court now.

www.swanstudy.org/urinary-incontinence-problematic-for-many-women-over-40-study-finds/

68% of women over 40 have bladder incontinence problems, mostly stress incontinence, which impacts you when you laugh, cough, sneeze, get up from seated positions...

Anyway, odds are, if I'd heard this joke in a room of laughing women age 30 or up, I'd have assumed many, possibly MOST, of us have some issues with our bladders caused by having children or just our female anatomy. Many, many ladies could use a visit from the tena lady when there's a very good joke told. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe your friend has no idea how common this is, and how alone she is not.