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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have said that DH is an alcoholic?

127 replies

upsideup · 06/10/2018 21:50

DH pick up two of DS's friends from school and takes them to a club once a week and has been doing this for about 6 months as their parents can't take them.
The mum took DS out today to say thank you and stayed for a while after she dropped him home, she started talking about alcohol and I mentioned that DH an recovering alcoholic not realising that she didn't already know or that it would be a big deal and her face completely dropped. I said that he hadn't had a drink for 10 years since eldest dc was born but she nearly burst in to tears saying that she couldn't believe she's been letting her children be driven and looked after by an alcoholic and that didn't we think this is the sort of information we should share with people who are leaving their children with us.

Were we actually unreasonable to not have said? Would anyone else be concerned if you found this out someone who had been looking after your children just fine for half a year?

OP posts:

Gammeldragz · 06/10/2018 21:54

He's a recovering alcoholic, not going around drunk in charge of children! She was BU, but perhaps she has her own issues/history around this that triggered an extreme reaction? Her problem not yours.

I don't tell parents that my husband is a recovering heroin addict (12 years clean!) unless it comes up in conversation. I certainly wouldn't expect them to freak out and not let their kids round our house!
He's on our parish council now, lol...

Bananalanacake · 06/10/2018 21:54

I can't believe how stupid she is. If you explained he hasn't drunk alcohol for 10 years then of course he's not drunk

pumpkinnicelatte · 06/10/2018 21:54

I think she's overreacted. Your dh was doing her a favour by the sounds of it.

Beautifulsunshine · 06/10/2018 21:55

Not unreasonable if he is 10 years sober. A current alcoholic as in still drinking then yes that would be very unreasonable.

Shednik · 06/10/2018 21:58

Ffs.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

She thinks he isn't a responsible person because he once had an illness and recovered from it. Does she expect to know the full medical history of every parent who gives her child a lift?

What a prejudiced freak.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/10/2018 21:58

She’s a judgemental knob.

Fiffyshadesofgreymatter · 06/10/2018 21:58

I really don't know. Sitting here, I think she's being an idiot. Logically, he seems perfectly capable of safely looking after kids. But if it were my kids, I really don't know what my initial feelings would be when I had just been told.

But who knows how many people are recovering alcoholics and your kids could see them and go to their houses all the time. She's probably being silly.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/10/2018 21:59

If he was 10 days sober it might be different but not touched a drink since your kids were born then I think it's an extreme reaction. I don't think people routinely disclose past mistakes that they've learnt from or illnesses they've recovered from (I know that's a very simplistic way of looking at it and no disrespect to anything your DH has gone through is meant). Only time I'd maybe have been worried is if he'd had frequent relapses and / or a history of drink driving for example

SaucyJack · 06/10/2018 21:59

I think it’s the word recovering that’s the issue. I would assume from hearing that that sobriety was still a work in progress.

Having said that, I don’t think someone who hasn’t had a drink in a decade needs a negative label at all tbh. I know it’s the fashion for AA, but I don’t agree with it.

IStandWithPosie · 06/10/2018 22:00

She’s an idiot. She clearly heard nothing before or after the word “alcoholic”.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2018 22:02

She totally overreacted. Plenty of people will have things in their past that they’d rather not have. He’s in recovery.

Maybe she had an alcoholic parent or someone close and it’s broyghy up bad memories?

buscaution · 06/10/2018 22:02

Not only is she an absolute idiot but she is really fucking rude. Tell her to make her own arrangements in future. Stupid bitch.

PurpleDaisies · 06/10/2018 22:03

she nearly burst in to tears saying that she couldn't believe she's been letting her children be driven and looked after by an alcoholic and that didn't we think this is the sort of information we should share with people who are leaving their children with us.

This sounds like such a big reaction that I’d bet she’s had a bad experience around an alcoholic.

Lougle · 06/10/2018 22:04

I think that at 10 years sober the phrase "recovering alcoholic" is somewhat problematic, tbh. I understand the theory that you're only one step away from a drink at any time, but I think that 10 years without a drink puts you a fair way further along the "recovery" trajectory than someone who is 3 or 6 months without a drink, and there should be a way of describing that. Almost like being 'in remission'.

domesticslattern · 06/10/2018 22:05

She only heard the word alcoholic, and not the words 'tee-total for a decade'.
She might feel differently when she stops and thinks about it properly?

DowntonCrabby · 06/10/2018 22:05

You’re totally fine not to have mentioned it. Surely she doesn’t think you’d be happy with him driving your own DS around if there was any danger of a relapse. You never mentioned it as it’s pretty much a non issue.

I’d put money on her going away, thinking about it and still being happy for the arrangements to continue. I hope she apologised though, as much as it was probably a shock reaction it was really OTT.

DowntonCrabby · 06/10/2018 22:06

*apologises

Ginkypig · 06/10/2018 22:06

The amount of "normal" parents (mothers and fathers) who are consuming way over the healthy amount of alcohol regularly (some either everyday or nearly every day) who think they are completely fine who are looking after children is staggering and she has an issue with a man who has recognised he had an issue and has taken steps for the last 10 years to address it!

I know it's an emotive term but she is being ridiculous.

Lethaldrizzle · 06/10/2018 22:07

Ridiculous and thick

Uncreative · 06/10/2018 22:09

A recovering alcoholic improbably a better babysitter than a parent who doesn’t consider their alcohol intake.

Congrats to your DH for ten years sober.

LubyLoo · 06/10/2018 22:09

No, YANBU. She's an idiot. I would feel far happier letting your husband drive my children than other parents who think it's acceptable to have a glass or two of wine and then drive.

BeardedMum · 06/10/2018 22:09

Ridiculous and thick agree

Serfisafleur · 06/10/2018 22:12

Oh god how awful for you.
She has massively over reacted and if I were in your position I would just distance myself from this person.

Ten years sober is a huge achievement.

Thank you for the reminder that letting an acquaintance know about former alcoholism can end up being hugely problematic despite all the progress that has been made.

Original poster

upsideup · 06/10/2018 22:13

She did apologise for her reaction before she left but said he didnt need to pick her kids next week. Its not something we mention often as it doesnt come up, he normally just tells people that he doesnt drink but its not a secret, lots of people know and he will happily talk to people about if they ask. I'm now going to have to tell him all this when he gets home and then we're going to have to explain why to DS why his friends dont come with us anymore.

OP posts:

springydaff · 06/10/2018 22:14

Sounds like she didn't get it ie the 'recovered' bit.

she just heard the word alcoholic?

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