To not have said that DH is an alcoholic?

[upsideup]

DH pick up two of DS's friends from school and takes them to a club once a week and has been doing this for about 6 months as their parents can't take them.
The mum took DS out today to say thank you and stayed for a while after she dropped him home, she started talking about alcohol and I mentioned that DH an recovering alcoholic not realising that she didn't already know or that it would be a big deal and her face completely dropped. I said that he hadn't had a drink for 10 years since eldest dc was born but she nearly burst in to tears saying that she couldn't believe she's been letting her children be driven and looked after by an alcoholic and that didn't we think this is the sort of information we should share with people who are leaving their children with us.

Were we actually unreasonable to not have said? Would anyone else be concerned if you found this out someone who had been looking after your children just fine for half a year?

Then she's being very silly!

10 years sober? I wouldn't expect to be told. If I found out, it wouldn't bother me.

10 weeks or 10 months...yes I would. expect to be told and it would bother me. I would react like her, probably!

However, after a decade sober, YADNBU

I think that at 10 years sober the phrase "recovering alcoholic" is somewhat problematic

I agree with this - obviously you know what you meant by it, but 'recovering' suggests not yet recovered and while that might describe the psychological state of your DH, it requires too much explanation for someone with no knowledge of alcoholism to appreciate in the context of random chit chat.

If's the connotations of the label of 'recovering' and 'alcoholic' that would have rung alarm bells for her.

Complete and utter over reaction! Massive well done to your DH on his recovery, he’s done amazing!

I would have no problem with your DH dropping off/collecting my DC at activity at this stage in his journey.

SIBVUUUU! Good luck to your DH, long may it continue xx

What a stupid person.

Avoid the temptation to explain to your DS that his friend's DM is an idiot and will probably always be one.

Hello, this is complex and horrible, but you certainly can present this to your DCs that it's the choice of their friends DM and not as a result of any other factor.

There's no reason to mention it, and tbh you should not have.

I've been sober for 24 years. I don't have "recovering alcoholic" written on my forehead, nor did I tell other mums about it when watching or driving their children. The retrospective research shows that if you have been sober for 5 years there's an 85% chance that you'll never drink again.

The way I explained this to DH when I told him about my recovery was that the information should be shared on a "need to know" basis. I have a disease in long term remission. The other mum had zero need to know.

For those of us who are partners of recovering alcoholics the term is normal, my partner tells people he is an alcoholic and he is 15 years sober. It's AA language and I suppose we forget that recovering and x years sober don't get heard by others. The other woman totally overreacted and you and your husband deserve an apology but probably won't get one. Well done to you and your DH for getting on with a great life of sobriety and community.

She's an hysterical knobhead 🙄🙄🙄 Be prepared for rumours and gossip to start op. She'll be the type.

It's clear she knows.very little about alcoholism or the terminology used when dealing with it.

I would be inclined to send her a message, reiterating he hasn't drunk in 10 years. Not a single drop. And perhaps any appropriate links to explain what recovering alcoholic is.

yep to be honest i probably would stick to the 'doesn't drink' line. she obviously didn't hear anything before or after alcoholic. i'm sorry she has had that reaction - your DH deserves serious respect for all he has achieved in that time.

On what planet has that lady been living?

I agree in not liking the term 'recovering alcoholic' but its whats generally used and what DH chooses to use. I definately made it clear that he hasnt had a drink for over 10 years after DC1 was born.

For those of us who are partners of recovering alcoholics the term is normal

True. The medical term is remission from alcohol dependence, but that term wouldn't be commonly understood.

Sounds like she didn't get it ie the 'recovered' bit.

she just heard the word alcoholic?
That was my thought, she didn't really understand.
Maybe clarify with her?
And kudos to your DH by the way.

Well, look, this is a disaster of your own making. You didn't need to go into any detail about why he doesn't drink now. That was your first mistake.

Having decided to bring up his history, you certainly didn't need to call him a "recovering alcoholic". To anyone not in the know about the current look on addiction, that sounds like "struggling to stay off the bottle on a daily basis".

Generally in daily discourse, most people put the most positive gloss they can on situations. In return, experienced people counterbalance for minimising euphemisms when they listen. So if you call your husband a "recovering alcoholic", they'll hear "managed three days wihout drinking and then drove drunk like Ant McPartlin".

I guess you describing him as recovering panicked her - it sounds a lot more like an ongoing problem than "sober for 10 years" and does highlight the fact you're never actually "cured." So far as others are concerned, surely it is better to say your dh doesn't drink? Unless you are wanting to warn them he may unpredictably start drinking again one day and then drive their children around while drunk? Otherwise, why do you need to tell them he's an alcoholic? It's a bit confusing to be told that rather than that someone doesn't drink, tbh, as it implies they need keeping an eye on.

She could easily have found out from someone else or by putting his name into google (not from anything bad/negative). Its definately not a secret, it came up in conversation and if DH was there he would have mentioned it too.

She has completely over reacted.

I feel sorry for your boy who isn't going to understand why his friend can't go with him anymore.

Don't supposed she offered to drive your boy next week, too, just like your DH has been doing for her child all these months ... oh no ... she just judged him and deemed him unsafe ... forgetting conveniently how lovely he has been to her family.

"I think it’s the word recovering that’s the issue. I would assume from hearing that that sobriety was still a work in progress." It is for many addicts. I've a family full of them. 3 recovering alcoholics which is exactly how they would describe themselves. One still goes to AA frequently/regularly, one attends a church sobriety group similarly and finds church involvement and prayer helpful.

Addicts can relapse 10, 20, 30 years later. Seen it happen.

It's not a "fashion" it's reality for many addicts whether active or recovering.

That said, op's dh is clearly not currently and not a risk to anyone so the friend she disclosed to behaved way ott! BUT like others I'd think she'd had a bad experience of alcoholism (as have I).

Well done to your dh on 10 years of chosen sobriety (not all alcoholics choose to stop).

He's a recovering alcoholic while she's an active idiot. She's got much bigger problems and, worse than that, she doesn't know what she doesn't know. Move on quickly, her mean minded ignorance was going to come out one day

I think I would bite the bullet with her.
See her and say nicely but firmly that you think there was some misunderstanding last time you talked.
Dh doesn't drink
Dh hasn't drunk any alcohol at all for the last 10 years.
The reason is that 10 years ago he had an issue.

I realise that this is not the language alcoholics use about themselves (as in I am always an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic etc)
But you need to use language she will understand.

Continue with - you didn't explicitly tell her because it isn't necessary as he has been sober for 10 years.
Now that we have cleared that up, I am sure that you can see there really is not a problem that would stop dh from giving lifts. However if she doesn't want to continue, that is up to her.

From then on there isn;t much you can do really

Addicts can relapse 10, 20, 30 years later. Seen it happen.

And people with no known history of alcoholism can develop alcohol abuse disorder. I've seen that happen.

YANBU, it is none of her business. She's an arse. I hope she realises she's been very unfair in judging your DH on this and apologises.
I'd rather someone who doesn't drink at all helped me out with my child occasionally, than someone who thinks drinking bottle of wine while babysitting is acceptable.
Well done to your DH, and you for living through it with him, no mean feat.

Exactly what lots of others have said. I would much rather my children were with an adult who has worked through any issues and is able to talk openly about them than one who hides their "imperfections" and thinks they have the moral high ground. Perhaps she has had experiences with alcoholism that brought back terrible memories and made her react badly. But after six months of accepting free childcare to suddenly say she doesn't trust him I think is a bloody cheek. If I were you I'd be offended but I think you're better off without people like that in your life.